May 20, 2005


Last night I had a dream that I told my dad that I hated him. It was strange, in my dream it was though I was thinking it but accidently said it out loud. Then I was coming up with reasons why I hate him so much. It was strange. I was really afraid of him in my dream. He kept saying: "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "So I'm the bad guy again". I hate those words. I feel powerless when he says those things. Like I don't really know what I'm thinking or feeling, like I'm misinformed or worse, crazy. I hate feeling like I'm crazy. I'm glad it was only a dream.

In real life, I do hate that I work for my dad. I love working for the business, it's a great oppurtunity and outlet for me. But I don't like working FOR him. I wish the business was MINE. My friend said this morning that I sound as though I am completely suffocated by my family and my location. It's true, I am. I'm just glad that God made me the type of person that can enjoy my life and find joy in the life that I have been given. Some parts of my life have been made by me...I could have not taken the job with my dad. I could have not built a house right down the street from them. But I chose these things (for whatever reasons), and now I must live with and somehow find joy in the decisions that I've made. It's not easy. I do have a lot of stress. But somehow I want to keep going because someday, maybe, it will be my turn to move on and make different kinds of decisions. I don't know yet what those decisions may be, but I feel like there could be a life out there waiting for me that is really different from this one. Like maybe my whole life isn't laid out for me like a book. Either way, I will be happy with how my life turns out. I'll know that I found happiness in everything that I did.

I've had a pretty good couple of days with no pulling and no over-eating. It feels nice. I feel happy and in control. I'll enjoy it for the moment. :-)

Until later.

Posted by Cody on May 20, 2005 10:25 AM


Your whole life is NOT laid out for you like a book. It hasn't even been written yet, not really. Its for YOU to write. I know its scary but just like I did 10 years ago, i had to make a big decision and pick up and start my own life. It was terrifying and I felt so guilty and horrible and I didn't want to leave you
guys but life there was quite literally killing me. I HAD to get out and move on. And really, its one of the best decisions I ever made. You can do the same-- even if its just moving down the block, or changing location, or making decisions for yourself instead of for our family. You are completely capable of handling yourself and your life.

Ditto, you're life is not a closed book. I was headed toward the top of corporate AZ and as I began to crest, I crashed with this damn disease (FMS). I was in bed for a year. Then I met my Frank, online, and a year later, I had my own home built, moved my daughter and myself away from my parents and a year later Frank moved in. Jen graduate HS, my baby girl. Then she moved out. Then out of the blue Garrett showed up, Frank's long lost son. He will graduate Thursday the 26th! Wow has this year been one for the books. i don't wish life changes for you through illness, that's how I got mine. And I'm happy with my home and family, not the dd, but mostly very happy. You are YOUNG and you and your husband will have opportunities and experiences that will lead to your happier life. I know it's out there for you. You too are a GEM and deserve it!
Hugs and Blessings, Love, Judy

I remember when i first got married, and got out of my parents house, i felt as if i was let out of jail. I felt so free. My husband of 11 years, never yells at me, we communicate and share a wonderful daughter and moved far far away from where we both grew up. It was hard however to move, my mom screamed at me and told me I was a horrible mean person cause i wanted to get married to a man i barely knew and then move three states away from them. I never knew a more loving human being in all my existence, and i learned something, that uncondiitonal love does exist! I am moving agan here, and not leaving any info on where we are going...long story but for our safety and well being, its for the best. I no longer allow people to abuse me, I am no longer abusive to others, I learned how to communicate, that respect can be learned and so can getting along with people. I stil have problems with some people, esp if they are intrusive and loud, I learned to keep away from people who have no boundaries...and i have to say i am alone often, but thankfully i have a loving family of my own know, 11 years and counting. i am thankful to god for all that i have, I know stastically i should be dead or in a violent situation with an abusive man, and that i should of repeated the abuse, but i didn't. I got help and no i am not perfect, but cause someone reached out to me and once and told me they would help me, i am a happier and more peaceful person today:)

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