May 16, 2005

Lean Balance

I didn't know what to title this post.

I know I've been gone for some time. I just have not had the energy to post.

I'm not sure what has happened but I feel as though I'd given up on life and I was on the path of destruction. I was eating everything in sight. Every minute I was consumed with what I could eat next or when I would be alone again so that I could eat whatever I wanted. It was horrible and I felt completely out of control. It seemed to me, at that time, that there was nothing left inside me to stop the behavior.

I somehow convinced myself that I definitely did have a thyroid problem and that there was nothing I could do to help myself until I got on medication for it. So I went to the doctor with my list of symptoms:
Weight gain
Dry Hair
Dry Skin
Cold intolerance

He even said that I did have a small goiter and would test me immediately. So I got the bloodtest. And I went back to the doctor.

Not even a hint of a thyroid problem. Everything was normal. To quote the doctor: "Normal normal normal". He ran every possible thyroid test and also ran my blood count to see if it was normal (it was: 14.2- very good!) and also ran a test for diabetes. There were no abnormal test results.

Needless to say, I felt humiliated and my face turned red. How could I have been so stupid? Not only that, I had gained eight pounds in the three weeks since my last appointment. THe doctor's discussion turned instantly to diet pills and appetite suppressants. I was trying to listen to what he said, but my mind was so full of humiliation and defeat that I couldn't really listen. I was off somewhere else. I did agree to start on an appetite supressant which has a really low occurrence of side effects. I also refused to start on prozac. The doctor said that my condition may well be caused by stress and that I needed better stress management or I would have to go on anti-anxiety medications.

Better stress management? Is that really all I need? *sigh* Damn I thought I was handling all this pretty well.

I left the doctor's office and as I was walking to my car the only thing that rang through my mind was "Failure failure failure" time with my steps. In the car I sat behind the wheel and had to fight back tears. I felt like such a failure. I wanted to run away. I drive my car into the lake, anything. The only thing that keeps me here is the joy I feel in my life and the joy I have in my baby girl Sammy. If it weren't for Sammy, I would be a lost soul going nowhere.

Thank you God for Sammy. :-)

Last week I have lost almost ten pounds and will try to lose five this week. (I think most of it is water). After that I will have a good start. Now that I am finally convinced that I absolutely, 100% do NOT have a thyroid problem I can continue on and stop kidding myself. I want to say that maybe, just maybe, I have a shot at this thing. Like maybe I will be thin again someday. I really don't even want to be thin at this point...I just want to be normal.

At the doctor's office I weighed in at 248 pounds. Just seeing that number here on my screen hurts my eyes and makes me tear up. I never in my imagination thought I would get this big. I never planned on this. I never thought it could happen to me. Yet here I am.

My world was so dark for a few days last week that I honestly thought of getting a gastric by-pass surgery or maybe an adjustable lap band. Now I realize that I am the one in control and that I can do this if I choose too.

I'm also taking a diet pill called "Lean Balance". It's new. We'll see what it does. There's nothing in it that is harmful as far as I can tell. I go back to the doctor in three weeks and I want to be able to show him that I can do this...that I really am trapped in this body. I'm really not this huge person that everyone sees. I'm ME. I just need to prove it. I think everyone would respect me better if I was thin again. That may be delusional, but I really believe it is true.

I have these dreams where I'm running so fast...passing everyone and no one can believe it's me. My feet are barely touching the ground and I feel so light and free. Then I wake up...still in this body that gets out of breath just going up the stairs. I think that maybe...THIS body is my nightmare. And that someday I wake up to the real me that is running as fast as I can without a care in the world.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on May 16, 2005 12:20 PM


Hi, I just wanted to say, keep the faith, and you are on the right track. Think of how long it took to gain the weight, and remember it will take some time to get the weight off. Have patience with yourself, love yourself like Sammy loves you! With time and effort, you will be the "real" you... back to where you feel comfortable in your own skin, again. :)

I want to lose 20 pounds and no matter what I try, nothing works, so I was wondering if you can help me to get on right pill or something.

Everybody wants a quick fix. There is NO such thing. A pill may help you, but it will not do the hard work for you. If you are determined you will do anything you can to get it done. Be healty about it, make good choices and pay attention to the nutrition facts. Work out, cardio 4x a week and weight trining 2x a week is the proven way to loose weight and gain strength, stamina, confidence, and resutls. I would reccomend weight watchers program, they will keep you on the right track, with counciling, meetings, and proven ways to loose weight the healthy and correct way. If you choose to take a pill, take it while doing everything else I mentioned, or forget it (as a scientist it probably doesn't work anyways, compare labels to the leading multivitamin there aren't much differences). Take a vitamin, and do it the right way...its a lot of work, but it will be worth it.

It is interesting how you find something pertaining to your situation when you are at your lowest point. I am 36 years old and have been dealing with weight issues for 21 years. 21 years - wow that is over 1/2 of my life. I am at my all time high of 230 poinds, I am only 5'3". I have started to notice that I have a hard time getting out of bed, turing over in bed, getting up off the floor and playing with my daughter on the floor, gettig in and out of my car, and get very breathless when walking. Seeing this all in print makes me cry. I know this is dangerous for my health, however, I can manipulate myself into thinking that I am really not that bad......I cannot deal with this today so I eat. I am on anti-depressants and have SAD. I live in Northern Wisconsin, so Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD) is very bad for me from now until April. This is the time of year that I stuggle with my weight the most. My weight has also started to affect my marriage. My husband doesn't look at me the same, and I do not blame him, I do not look at myself the same, except with disgust.

Somebody please write me with some support - I do not know where to turn anymore......

Dear Michelle - I have Tric, Social anxiety, am overweight and have a low measure of SAD. Hey! I am the COMPLETE package. I control my pulling so it's not too bad. I take lexapro for my social anxiety - it helps a lot. The weight thing (5 feet tall - 146 lbs) is CONSTANT. I am 41 and have been battling this for the past six years. Used to be 130 after the baby was born, but at age 36, my metabolism said "see ya!". Can you get to a gym? Try work out tapes - Kathy Smith is really good. Also, try to meet with a nutritionist, as well. Have the husband do the cooking and cleaning so you have TIME to make these changes in your life. You make the changes and your body will change too. Hang in there girl - we love you!

Melissa in New Hampshire


Dang I just bought a bottle at Dollar Tree also. How is it going with everyone? Please keep in touch.

I brought two bottle's at dollar tree, and was wondering if anyone had any luck with this product yet? I currently attend BOOT CAMP, and I'm eating right, but I'm only loosing one or two pounds a week.. some weeks I maintain so I just want to pick up the pace with the combination of the three....

It could be a placebo...All in our minds that we are going to get trim so we get trim. I purchased mine last week. I have to remember to bring half in my car so I will have them when I am out and about to take 30 minutes before eating. I am using in conjunction with the waist rubber corset that I also brought at the dollar store. I will keep you posted as to if I am in sleek in 2 months in time for summer. Took one last night, after my meal, its 1 pm the next day and I am not hungry, but I will take one now and eat in 30 minutes just to stay regimented.

Hey!Im the same way i feel like you maybe we can help each other! Wright me back

Hi girls i bought mine yesterday i hope it works.

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