May 28, 2005

Random thoughts and feelings

Sometimes I feel just like a fixture in my home. Like a refrigerator. Everybody uses the refrigerator...but do they really ever NOTICE it? No. The only time they notice it is when the refrigerator is not providing what they need or is not working properly. Then they just get mad at the refrigerator and want it fixed...NOW.

That's how I feel. I feel invisible lots of the time. I'm good for lots of things...rides to town for my mother-in-law, a secretary and sounding board for my dad, a multi-purpose everything for my husband, a care-giver for my daughter and pets. I feel like a dispenser. Everybody gets what they need but then they get pissed off when I go empty. I need someone to fill me up.

The other day I had a little breakdown when my dad got mad at me for something that happened at the business that wasn't really my fault. I started to cry right at the computer (I normally NEVER cry anywhere except alone) and Sammy came to me and patted my hand and said "Mommy...don't sad". She is so smart and so sensitive. I didn't want to cry in front of her but I just grabbed her and hugged her and cried for a minute. I told her it's okay to be sad for her, so it's okay for mommy to be sad sometimes too. But I really didn't want to do that to her. I don't want to take advantage of her sweetness.

Does anybody really notice me?

Well, enough of that pity party. This is mostly due to the fact that my husband and I are going through another "growing apart" phase. We just constantly grate on each other's nerves during a stage like this. I'm not sure why. Example: My husband knows I hate that he smokes. I don't want Sammy to know that he smokes...EVER. Today he came home with his lighter still in his pocket. I confronted him very nicely but he got all pissy. "I GUESS you'll just HAVE to accept me for who I AM", he says. Sigh. I left it at that. Let's rewind 7.5 years to when we first dated...and he quit smoking so that I would go out with him. I guess he actually cared what I thought about then.

It's just things like that that bother me.

I have been pulling pretty much everyday but not a lot...just a few here and there. But still, I want to stop. I want things to be the way that they were.

I'm doing better on my weight too. This morning I weighed 231.8 which is down from 248. Pretty great so far. The only drawback is...even after losing almost 17 pounds...I'm still right where I was before. *CRAP* Tonight I overdid it on some ice cream and my intestines are not handling it well. It's weird how quick my body gets used to eating right foods again and then freaks out when I mistreat it. I have a good really does tell me what it likes and what it doesn't! If only my mind would stay on track with that.

Today I realized that we have lived in this house for six years and two months. That is longer than I've ever lived...anywhere...I think. I'm almost sure of it. After a shord period of restlessness (and seriously considering moving to Wyoming- ha ha), I realized how lucky I am to live right HERE. I love it here. I don't want to move. Today Sammy and I went to the woods for a picnic lunch and then almost got caught in a thunderstorm. This evening we played back at the pond in the pasture and threw rocks into the water and watched the sun set. ALL THAT is a pretty nice thing to have. Maybe, for once in my life, I want to stay planted right here and see what grows. What's it like to live in the same house for twenty years? HEY let's find out!

Well, after all these random thoughts, I should be getting to bed. I hope that I can sleep. Too much in my head.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on May 28, 2005 9:53 PM



i'll be there shortly and help get you filled back up. we're going to have a great time and i can't wait!! you are one of the best people in the world. men can be buttheads sometimes. dont take it personally.
i can't wait to see you!

I'm sooooo proud of you for accepting Sammy's comfort when you cried; we need to let our kids know we have emotions just like they do and try to model how to handle them and that they are ok. You did Good Mom!

I understand the fixture thing. My first marriage became like that. I hated it. Luckily with Frank, even with his special needs, I'm not taken for granted. I like that.

I have lived in my home since 8/99 and I love it here. It's my sanctuary. So while I was in bed suffering through the medication changes for the past 8 weeks or so, even though I was miserable, I was HOME. I know how you feel. I would LOVE to visit one day and pitch rocks in the pond and have a picnic in the woods. Wow it sounds like a beautiful place.

Men,....even the good ones have their moments. And all I can recommend is trying to really stay in touch with each other and keep fun in your relationship, or put it back in. Like someone I know going off to a Renaissance type fair with her husband and having FUN. Maybe invite him on your next picnic??

I see from your sister's comments that she plans to see you soon. I think I knew she visited during her summer hiatus from teaching but didn't know when.

I'm so proud of the progress she is making and I am really grateful for you staying in touch with me during her recent IP. I feel as though both of you are good friends and I care so much about you, you youngun's! (Yes, I have 10 years on her so I can say that!)

Remember to wash and DO your hair and keep it colored and cut cute and you'll love it again and not pull so much i hope.Remember how that felt?
I remember how you wrote about your feelings.

Again, You are a GEM! Demand to be treated like one...heck youand Sammy get play crowns and wear them sometimes and demand the royal treatment!!!!

Hugs and Blessings, Love ya, Judy


I had pulled my hair out since I was 13. I had no emotional support from anyone, my mom pulled me out of theraphy when they wanted a family theraphy session, so i never got all the help i needed.(that is a whole different story in itself here, my so called biological family, but anyhow the reason i wrote was cause i wanted to talk bout the teasing, nice word for it too here, I got picked on daily for being bald, verbally and physically growing up. I still hate the people who hurt me 25 years ago today and never will forgive them and feel its my right to do so too. I also suffered from poor self esteem since i was like 5. I could not make friends with nice people, it was always the mean people who hurt and abused me. Today even as a adult, they seem to find me and hurt me all over again, i have no friends that are close, except my counselor. Can anyone relate, if so please email me, please do not try to tell me i need god, tired of hearing that one! OceanBlue

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