June 29, 2005

>>>Is anyone sick of me whining yet?

So are you???

I'm so tired of being so whiny. What the heck is the matter with me?

But, in reality, I'm not whining. I'm crying out for help. For anyone, to anyone...just help me. There is so much inside my head that I just don't understand. I worry about my sister alot. I worry about my parents and their self-destructive life styles. I worry about my husband and his temper at work. I make everyone's feelings MY responsibility. WHY??? It's not my JOB to make sure that my dad is happy with every freaking thing. It ISN'T. It's not my JOB to make sure that my husband doesn't freak out at work and end up getting fired. It's not my JOB to make sure that every freaking person in my life is happy and healthy and satisfied. It just ISN'T MY JOB. I'm not responsible for their every feeling. There has to be something left in this life for ME. And I think in order to find it, I have to stop feeling so responsible for everyone's happiness.

I went to Weight Watchers on Monday and was down 2.4. That's not too bad for me. I still have far to go, but I try not to think of it that way. I just think that every week, I'll have a loss at Weight Watchers, no matter how big or small. And eventually, I'll get to a healthier place. I'll take this one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I can't handle a whole week of this. But I can handle the next hour. I know that I can do this.

I do want this to be a positive journal for people to read. After all, I'm not here to win the "worst life" contest. I'm not here to compare lives with anyone. And, if you have trich, and you're reading this journal, I'm not here to compete with YOU either. We all have our own circumstances. We all pull to different degrees. Mine may not be as bad as yours or as good as anyone else's. Why compare? We all still have to deal with the fact that we yank our hair out. And it's not considered normal by the world to do that. So, although I do want this to be a positive journal, I also need it to be REAL. Not only that, I need it to be an OUTLET for me. Because I don't have any other outlet. This is IT. This is all I have. So deal with it. And man, don't compete with me. It just irritates the hell out of me.

There, I've said my piece without getting personal. I hope.

I did not pull at all the past two days. My hair is starting to grow in pretty quickly. If I stay positive about this instead of beating myself up over it, maybe I can continue to do better until I'm back to where I was before. I really believe that I can do better.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on June 29, 2005 8:42 AM


I don't think anyone sees you as being whiney. You can't read everyone's minds... so there. People are probably just thinking, "man, this girl is stressed out!"
How about going to throw some clay? ;)
I am going to send you a book in a couple days on my next trip to the post office, maybe it'll help to read it.
You are RIGHT-- it isn't your job to worry about everyone and everything. Worrying isn't going to change anything anyway. And you definitely do NOT need to worry about ME-- I am perfectly capable of handling my own life, thank you :)
Take it easy a little bit and sit back and enjoy your time with your daughter-- REALLY enjoy the moment. It is ok to do that!

Hey sweet gal :)
You aren't whining, you are sharing your feelings and life in a safe place and I think the folks who read your posts, like I do, just read and care about you and want the best for you.
Your sis is right, you are NOT responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. As my grandmother used to say about grumps "they can wear the same clothes to get glad in".
You take time for YOU and enjoy Sammie.
I totally understand writing stuff here because there is no where else to write it...my last posts have been novels ;)
You my friend are in my thoughts and prayers, always,
Hugs and Blessings,Love Judy

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