August 12, 2005

Here is my title :-)

I'm sorry for not putting titles on my posts. I will remember from now on! And not to name posts the same twice.

Thanks everyone for posting on my comments lately. I'm glad this journal is helping someone. I think that the trich disorder is SO secretive. It THRIVES on secrecy. We don't want to tell anyone because what normal person would tear their hair out on PURPOSE? Oh my GAWD that is so TOTALLY insane. And every person who had always thought we were normal, and actually halfway decent, would suddenly hate us and despise us and call us names. Yep, that's what would happen if we told ANYONE.

Not true.

I've told three people in my life. My sister (who knew already anyways), my husband, and my best friend. My husband was strange about it, and he still is. He would rather pretend my hair pulling doesn't actually exist. That I can stop if I wanted. My best friend was so kind about it, appreciated my honesty, and told me she knew I could find a healthier way to deal with things if I wanted. But she hasn't mentioned it since, because I'm very mum about it all, and she knows it embarrasses me even though I deeply appreciate her asking.

This is so hard isn't it? Just please, realize that YOU are not alone. Yes, YOU, the one reading this journal for the very first time and realizing that you aren't the only one in the whole world who yanks out your hair. You aren't alone! They think that over one million people in this world suffer from this disorder. That is far from alone my friend! And here you are, reading my journal, and maybe now you can know that you are NOT a freak, you are NOT alone, and that you can e-mail me anytime and talk about this disorder. Really talk about it. Get the secrets out. Maybe then it won't seem like such a dark secret after all.

Pretty soon I'll have trouble covering my bald spots again. I hope that I don't have to resort to the eyeliner pencils again, "drawing in" my hair. I hope I can stop before then. But is hoping enough? Evidently it isn't. I pulled like crazy last night. I stayed up too late and pulled too much and ate like there would be no food tomorrow. These are my drugs of choice. After I eat and I pull, I feel sedated. Clouded. Nothing matters except going to bed. And sleeping.

I'm not sure what is bothering me lately. During the day I'm so happy. I think I'm very worried about my sister, and I also worry about money, and I worry about my weight, and about whether or not I'm a good mom. I worry about wanting to have another baby. Worry worry worry! It's no wonder I want to escape with food and pulling! So this morning I told myself that just for today I want to concentrate on just being a good mother. That's my worry for today. Everything else is in the back of my mind for now.

I find myself so detached sometimes that I feel numb, like a zombie. For instance, I can't believe that today is Friday already. How did that happen? And my baby is going to be THREE in a few months. THREE!!?!?! How did that happen?!?!?! My life is zipping by while I tiredly dissociate from it. I want to LIVE. I want to be in the moment. And I can't do that if I'm pulling and over eating and escaping constantly.

So for today I will try to be a fully present mommy. I don't know if I will succeed, but I'm going to try like heck.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on August 12, 2005 11:45 AM

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