October 13, 2005

Pulling hair and pregnant

I've been trying to become more aware of my pulling the past three days. I seem to notice that if I don't give in to the urge in the morning, then it makes it easier to not pull the rest of the day.

I was looking at pictures from last April when we went to the zoo and my hair just looked so DIFFERENT. I even looked like a different person. I really want my hair to look like that again. It's not fair that I create this situation for myself....I can't even fix my hair normally. Most of the time I don't think about it...but I really do wish I could fix my hair prettier.

My self esteem is still very low at this point. Even though I know I'm pregnant, I'm not showing yet...I just look fat. I have not gained any weight yet though, so I'm very glad for that. I weigh every Wednesday. We're two months pregnant now....so just 32 weeks to go. Ha! Even if I gain one pound per week from this point on, I will still weigh less after delivery than when I had Sarah. But I don't think I'll start gaining weight just yet! I want to do my best to not gain any weight at all.

At night I have these dreams were I'm interacting with people from high school or even people I don't know and don't recognize, and in my dream I start to like a certain guy...only to find out that he doesn't want anything to do with me because I am so fat. I dream this pretty often. Or I dream that people make fun of my because I'm so fat...or just not pretty..or whatever.

I feel good now because I'm a very good mom and a pretty decent wife...and I work hard for my dad's business....but other than that, I really feel down about how I look. I would really like to be free from that.

Posted by Cody on October 13, 2005 8:01 AM

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