November 13, 2005

I just want to pull it all out

I really do. Every single hair. We were on a vacation for a week which meant being surrounded constantly by people (husband, etc.) and I didn't get my private time to pull. Now that I'm home (and very stressed out), I just want to pull and pull and pull! I think I've pulled about 25 hairs today. I'm really going to try not to pull any more tonight. It'll be tough, I can tell you that.

Our vacation was okay, but being first trimester pregnant and being on vacation with a hyper husband and an eager two year old is just a very tiring vacation!!!! But I made it through. A couple of things happened that are making me feel very down tonight.

The first thing that happened on vacation is that I noticed the skinny people everywhere. Everywhere skinny people. And you know what? They get treated differently. They do. Funny how being fat makes you more invisible. That first day I felt very small for my size, very self concious, and not wanting to go out at all (but I still did, and tried to enjoy myself).

The next day I tried to remind myself of this rule: "Imagine yourself being at your own ideal weight. How would you walk? How would you talk? How would you treat other people? What activities would you take part in? Imagine all these things. And then do them today, at whatever weight you are at..." I did this and it worked for the rest of the vacation for the most part. However....

On the last night, we had a photo oppurtunity for all three of us (well, technically four :-) ) and we received the pictures the following morning. My "fake" self-confidence took a terrible crash and burn. I didn't recognize myself in the picture. Myself wearing a tired smile and little make-up. Myself with wind-blown beach hair that looked terrible because of being so thin in spots. Myself with my thighs bulging out of my shorts and my upper body covered with a poor looking grey fleece jacket. (Except for my huge chest coming out the front). I looked terrible. I didn't know myself. And the happiness of the vacation and the confidence that I had felt completely washed away. I haven't bounced back from this yet. And I don't think I will to be very honest.

I can't explain how it feels to be a thin person trapped in a fat person's body. To honestly feel that I am in a huge, overweight prison. To look in the mirror in disbelief....every single time that I look. I remember being thin and pretty at one time...a long time ago. I remember feeling proud of myself. Now I'm trapped in my own skin.

For a while on the trip I thought that if I smiled, put my make-up on, and fixed my hair, and was overly kind to everyone, that maybe some people wouldn't notice my weight. Wouldn't glance at the food I put on my plate. Wouldn't avert their eyes from me while I was in my bathing suit. (And these things aren't in my imagination. Being around 100's of strangers for a week opens you up to lots of experiences). But nothing hides the weight. No amount of self confidence on my part can hide the cottage cheese in my thighs and my humongous breasts. My lack of knees. Even my feet are overweight and puffy.

It might seem cruel that I would really feel all of this now, while I'm 13 weeks pregnant and I can't do anything about it. But it is the wake-up call that I needed. I've been eating too much and exercising too little and going down the same road that I did while pregnant with Sammie. And if I go down that road, I will end up over 300 pounds. There is no doubt about it. And my body won't survive that way. As of tonight I've gained 8 pounds during 9 weeks of pregancy. Not good!!!

I'm tired of doing things that inhibit me (overeating, pulling my hair, biting my nails). Things that make me feel less than a person. I want to feel proud of how I look, and be able to recognize myself in the mirror. To not feel ashamed to look in other people's eyes and really smile. Like that song from Disney's "Mulan":

"Who is that girl I see? Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide, who I am (though I've tried)
When will my reflection show...who I am...inside??"

That's how I feel tonight. Even though I've said it 51 times so far on this journal, tonight I really feel a difference in who I am...and who I can be. Like maybe I can really change. And be who I feel I am inside.

Posted by Cody on November 13, 2005 6:48 PM


I had a strong feeling that a post like this was coming today and that you'd be pulling a lot, after the conversation we had last night. :(
HONESTLY, I REALLY believe that you are seeing yourself through some distorted lens. Just like I do. You know how I think I look like a troll and that I'm huge, ugly and fat, and y'all are always telling me I'm not? YOU ARE NOT EITHER!
Of COURSE you are tired out. You have too many responsibilities, way too much to do, too many people to take care of, and too many high expectations put on you by yourself and others.
You need to take care of YOU and SAMMY and the baby right now. Thats IT. I wish you could just lay in bed all day while you and God create a life!

Hi Cindy-

I've got trich too, and I recently discovered that cutting sugar and some other things out of your diet can really help - It's helped me a lot. Do an internet search for "John Kender diet" and tricholtillomania and you'll find the sites on it. It's not a miracle cure or anything, and it doesn't work for everyone, but a lot of people have found it has helped. Good luck!

i completely understand what u are going through .. i am 20 years old and have been dealing with this since i was 16 i pull out every hair from down there to my head. i thought it was my weight problems too but after you figure out u loose the weight its going to be another issue ..

I have never said this out loud to anyone. not even my husband. but I have the same problem. I pluck my eyelashes and have since the age of 7. I think it was due to stress realted issues because at that time i had been raped by my grandfather who lived in my home with my mom and dad. I am now a 33 yr old women and I still have this problem,.. I find that cutting my nails down low helps stop me from doing this act. and it usually happens at night. when i sleep

All content published on is provided for informational and educational purposes only. does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. The site and its services are not a substitute for professional medical advice and treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor before making any changes to your diet, health routine or treatment.

Copyright © 2004-2006 All rights reserved.