December 12, 2005

Random Thoughts about Everything

I haven't been keeping up with this journal very well at all. Now that I"m pregnant, most nights I just fall asleep putting Sammy to bed (which is about 8:00 or 8:30) and I don't get up until 7:30 in the morning. This means lots of sleep but no free time! I don't get free time during the day because things are so busy and Sammy is always with me, so my only free time is at night when she goes to bed. I notice that I get pretty cranky when I don't get my private time, so I've been making an effort to stay awake while putting her to bed and then I can get up and do some things that I've been meaning to do. I can only manage this about every other night at the most, but it's something.

I went through a phase where I really wasn't pulling my hair much at all. I even was able to make myself look at my bad spots in the mirror and they really weren't all that bad! Two weeks later...I've been pulling pretty much day and night and I'm sure the damage is much, much worse. I haven't been able to make myself look at it in the mirror. I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't do that because once I look, I can decide that it "isn't so bad" and allow myself to go on a pulling spree and then it WILL be bad. I just hate pulling. I hate that I do it. When I reach for a hair to pull, I try to remind myself "this isn't what I really want to do" and most of the time that can help me stop. But other times, I just pull any ways because I can't stand the tension anymore.

One of the things in my life that causes me lots of tension is my husband. I feel like he is a bomb constantly needing to be diffused. And when I'm pregnant, he really rubs me the wrong way (and vice versa). I really do love him, I just hate that he is so emotionally dumb. And he really is. His whole family is like that. It's like they've been struck by lightning at one point in their lives and now they are just emotionally backwards. I also don't like how my husband hears things as he wants to hear them, or remembers things the way he wants to remember them. For instance, I'll say something and he will repeat it back to me completely WRONG. Now I'm the type of person who rehearses everything I say in my mind at least twice before I say it (yes, it's tiring). So I KNOW what I say and what I don't say. So that really irritates me. I also hate how my husband likes to watch TV...ALL THE TIME. If he is home, the TV is on and he is in front of it. Very annoying. TV at the dinner table. TV always on making conversation impossible. It's as though he turns it on to tune out the rest of the world, and me along with it. I also hate how my husband will sit back and watch me take care of Sammy, make supper, do the dishes, take out the trash, feed the dog, let the cat out, pick up toys, give Sammy a bath...etc., etc., all before going to bed. He doesn't even lift a finger. This was really kind of okay before because it kept him out of my way, but now that I"m pregnant, I really think that I should be the one lounging on the couch, at least sometimes. Like he should step in and take care of Sammy for a bit so that I can rest. WITHOUT being asked. But that doesn't happen. I also hate how he can't stand that I make one single mistake. For instance: The cable bill. On top of everything else, I also make out all the bills each week and do the banking. One month last spring, our cable bill went unpaid and the cable company called our house. My husband went NUTs, claiming he was going to take the checkbook and put me on an allowance and HE would start making out all of the bills. Well I KNEW I had sent out that stupid bill. But of course I couldn't argue with HIM. Well, about two weeks later I received our cable bill back in the mail. For some reason it couldn't go through as addressed (??) and I had forgotten to put the return address stamp on it, so the post office just kept it but then had to open it. They made a copy of the check, tore up the original, and sent it back to me. When I showed it to my husband, he just says "Well...whatever." No apology.

What really bothers me (scares me really) is that I heard and still hear these horror stories about DH's first wife. HOw she was such a bitch, and crazy, and couldn't cook, etc. I hear these stories from DH and from his mother and his sister. Well, one time I went to the craft store and happened to check out in the lane that she was working. She saw my name on the check and introduced herself. She said: "You have yourself one heck of a nice guy" (being sincere) and asked about us and SAmmy, etc. And you know what? SHE SEEMED REALLY NICE TO ME. In fact, she seemed just like me. And I wonder if he just drove her crazy, and maybe she wasn't as independent and emotionally stable as me. Maybe she never even cheated on him....maybe he just thought she did and kicked her out without having proof. Maybe that's why she had such a hard time after the divorce. Because she never did anything wrong. That's scary. I don't want to end up like her, if all that is true, and I could see it happening pretty easily at this point. I have to remember to stay calm, to retreat inside, and remember WHO I AM.

I think what makes me really sad is that most of the time I feel like I'm just trying to survive this marriage. I'm using this man to give me what I've always wanted: Home and Family. Other than that I get nothing. I just want to survive the marriage so that I can have those two things. And so that my kids can have those things. But what else will be sacrificing? Will my kids not know what a happy marriage is like? Or will I be able to find the strength enough to even fake that it IS happy. And then someday, they'll know the truth. By reading my journals after I've passed on. But at least then it'll be over, and they'll have their own lives.

Gosh how dramatic. ;-) I should star in my own version of "Bridges of Madison County". ;-)

Some good news is that I've managed to LOSE one pound throughout this pregnancy so far. And I'm almost half way. So I think that's VERY good and it's something I really feel proud of. I feel like I've worked hard to not gain the weight, and that after this baby comes, maybe I WILL be able to be thin again. Maybe I really WON'T be fat the rest of my life.

I need to always have things I can feel proud of in order to survive some parts of my environment. I need to survive my work structure, my marriage structure, and my family structure. They're all very stressful, and I need things on the inside that I can retreat to, and know are normal. Things that are true.

So far today I haven't pulled any hairs. I don't feel like I even need to pull tonight. I'm not even sure why. Maybe because I've finally come clean to someone (maybe myself) about my marriage. Who knows.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on December 12, 2005 7:26 PM


I think you wrote some good things here. Its good when you can be honest with yourself.
And I think you are also absolutely right.
Well, if nothing else, at least I'll be there next week and I can come help out for a while. tee hee..Just call me Maids R Us... "Friendly Multiples At Your Service"

I have read a couple of your diary entries. I don't want to sound as if I am on higher ground, but I too am a hair puller. About six months ago, I bought a book written by Abby Leora Rohrer called "What's Wrong With Pulling My Hair Out?". She is someone who is an ex-hairpuller and wrote a book talking about her story and how she stopped pulling her hair out. It was a very interesting read and it taught me a lot about my self that I did not know. I highly recommend it. I have been pull free since reading the book. And I feel GREAT! And I am a couple of months away from having my first hairstyle in 17 years! Another thing that has helped me more than anything is having the support of my boyfriend who has played "cheerleader" since I told him about my problem almost a year ago. Until after I read that book, I would not let him see what I looked like underneath the wig that I wore. And I'll tell you, it was very hard to take it off in front of him for the first time. It was humiliating! I think that your husband should be supportive of you and cheer you on when you tell him that you want to stop pulling. I think that support is very important factor when trying to get over this disorder that doctors and psychiatrists swear needs medication to overcome. Please read that book and have your husband read that book. It might help him get to know you better than he already does. It might also kick his butt in to gear to learn what makes you tick and help around the house.

I just read Abby's book this passed weekend and I think she is brilliant for writting this book. Before reading it I had no idea why i pulled my hair, but now I fully understand and accept my pulling. Because this process does not work overnight I am still fighting my urges day after day, but instead of feeling shameful for what I do, I recognize it, and either I stop or I keep going. Since I haven't totally healed I am still using this as a coping mechanism. But I can say my pulling has decreased drastically. I also feel that my boyfriend is my cheerleader, and he always told me that only I can heal myself, but I was to stubborn to listen. I think journaling is one of the best ways to help us heal. Even if we haven't figured out how to express ourselves to others, atleast we know how to express ourselves To Ourselves. I know in time I will learn how to effectively express myself to others. I know this healing process will take hard work, but I am willing to try my best. Today I dont really have the urge to pull, thankfully, but I know that I may have to fight it tomorrow, but I am fully prepared for it.

I'm 16 years old, 17 in January, and I've been pulling since I was 11 years old. I look at my self in the mirror everyday and i think.. "why is it so hard to stop?" I promise my boyfriend, the love of my life i will stop, and i cant even do it for him.. he thinks it means i dont love him, but i do! it's not easy, and he doesnt understand, i never told him how i eat the hair follicles, just that i like to feel them.. i dont know how to stop and i want to, im scared that i will have to wear my bandana again, i wore it from the time i was 11 til just a few months ago, and im happy i took it off, but now i pull more than ever!!!! :[ i dont know what to do, and im scared, and all i do is cry.. someone please help me?!...

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