January 11, 2006

Feeling lost and wanting more

I have been feeling pretty lost lately. Like I'm running on autopilot. I do this when I need to turn off my feelings, but usually they catch up with me and pretty quick.

I've been having lots of problems with my marriage the past six weeks and it's been hard. I really don't want a divorce...so turning off my feelings is the only way to make it through. We are really trying not to argue in front of Sammy anymore, and I try really hard not to cry in front of her too. If I do cry, I tell Sammy that "Mommy is sad sometimes too. It's okay to cry when you're sad. I'm glad I have you to hug me." and then I smile. I don't want her to worry. Or sometimes I'll just tell her that I'm tired and sleepy.

I am more and more convinced though that my husband is not the man for me. However, I don't think there is a man for me. I've had three relationships (serious ones) and I drive each and everyone of them crazy. So, I know it is me most of the time. With my husband, I know it is him trying to control me too much. And he is also emotionally backwards and doesn't understand me. There is one thing that I will stick to though, now and forever: This man is a great father to our daughter. And, for right now, that's enough. Sometimes he is still a lazy father, but overall he really loves her and she enjoys his company. I have to find a way to be content with that.

I don't need a man to be happy. :-) I don't think anyone does, to be honest. Men are confusing, needy creatures. It's their job to look out only for themselves. It's alright, we're made differently that's all. (My apologies to any GOOD men who are actually reading this).

Lately Sammy has been very whiny and by the end of the day, I'm worn out of the whining. I don't get a break from her company all day long, and being 3, she is a bottomless pit of need. This morning she was BAWLING over not getting a toy that she wanted yesterday. She had picked something else instead (I usually let her only get one thing at the store each time). Well this morning she decided that she wanted the OTHER thing. It broke my heart. Part of me wanted to run to the store and buy the other thing! But I knew I had to stick to my guns. But I got tears in her eyes when she got her bank and said "Mommy, here. Please see if I have enough money to buy it." I can't explain how that tore me up inside. But I stood by my belief. We counted her money and no, she didn't have enough.

I wish that at the end of the day, I could get a grade from someone on how I parented that day. A+, B-, big fat F...whatever it would be. At least then I would know.

I have been pulling my hair during the day, but not really going on any sprees. I haven't really even been looking at my hair lately. I just don't...have the energy to deal with my trich right now. I really don't. I wish I could stop pulling out my eyelashes and just let them grow in. They don't look horrible but I MISS my thick ones. Maybe I can make that my goal...no pulling eyelashes this week. It would help if I washed off my mascara at night when Sammy is taking her bath. The mascara is what makes me want to pull a lot of the time...and it makes the lashes come out easier.

I'm almost 21 weeks pregnant now and I feel the baby move all the time. It's a great feeling. I'm just going through a phase right now where I'm seriously doubting my abilities to mother, and I'm scared all over again that I won't be a good mother once this baby arrives. A normal feeling for some people maybe, but for me it's downright scary. I just try to tell myself that God will give me the strength that I need, just like He did with Sammy, and that I shouldn't be afraid. I have to just take this day by day. What is nice is knowing that this will be my last baby...and that once this baby grows up, I will be ready to concentrate on myself again a little bit. I give everything I have to Sammy, and I will to this baby, but eventually they will be independent and going to school and I"ll have time to start finding ME again.

What is hard is knowing that it's time for Sammy and I to experience some separation. She is becoming her own separate person now, and I'm ready. I"m ready for her to become more independent and not need me so much. But at the same time, I break down in tears remembering her baby-hood, wishing that I could experience it just one more time. I'm ready for this dependence to start to fade, but...at the same time...I miss her. All my parenting mistakes replay themselves over and over again in my mind. It's like they won't let go.

I think I need to start focusing on more positive things. Everything in my head seems to be negative right now. I don't think those negative thoughts will get me very far.

But then again, sometimes I just don't know what to think. I just pray that somehow God knows what He's doing with me.

Posted by Cody on January 11, 2006 9:08 AM


I have to agree with your sis, you are a GREAT MOM!
You handled the toy thing just right...she has to wait to choose something different the next time at the store.
I sooo miss the feeling of my daughter within me, moving about. What a glorious affirmation of Life!
Enjoy it!
It's normal to have doubts and concerns as our children change and grow up and away from us. I promise though that Sammy growing away at 3 won't be too far!
She still needs her Mommy.
Actually it's good she's getting more independent because that'll help, hopefully, when you have the new baby.
Do you know if it's a boy or girl? When are you due again?
Please let me know, k?
Love and Blessings,
from a Mom of a 19 yr old daughter who can remember her moving inside me, her going to daycare, her going to school, her growing up, and her still needing me and loving me through it all right up to today!
God Bless Y'all, judy

Thank you guys!

We are due May 7th and find out next Thursday if it's a boy or girl. :-) I can't WAIT! Very nervous though. Thanks for all your positive input!


Mothering babies and preschoolers is the hardest job in the world. And, it is the hardest pressure on a marriage.

I would urge you to spend a week stopping those negative thoughts regarding your husband, yourself, etc. and focus on what's going right, what you HAVE done well.

It will make a world of difference just changing your thinking.

Congratulations on a new baby coming. Hang in there. Things will get more difficult with two, and then as they grow you will find your independence again - there is hope.

I disagree that you don't need your husband. He is helping you in more ways than you can imagine and you would only realize if you lost him. Many women are single and wishing they could have half the man you do. Hold him in high esteem! He'll come around.

I was crying at the computer and I decided to type something in the google bar about feeling lost and your link came up. I was crying about my life and how I felt and what I was feeling was everything you wrote. Is this marriage right for me, being mama to a three old drains me and I question my abilities, and where has "elizabeth" gone that person who had a heart a gold now feels like she just does laundry and make dinner. Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone.

elizabeth schwartz

i don't know why or how i came across this page, i'm 19 i'm young loads going for me but i continously feel lownly, i have around 9/10 girls on the go at the moment, if not more, more i get lownely more i want more,
reading you story opened my eyes alot, i have nothing i should stop acting like a child and do what is right for once, and tbh readin what you wrote sounds like your a amzing mother, i don't usually go on these things but i dunno how, or why its strange but you really opened my eyes to a diff aproch of life, thanks, and all the best for you. xDannyx

I think you do not realize that your thoughts, doubts, ruts, energy draining, etc. experiences are normal. Perhaps you need to add other people to your day/week that are in the same situation that you are. I am not the church going type but there are plenty of groups you can join that could show you that you are normal and your feelings are natural. The more people you have around you that you can relate to and share with the richer your life becomes. You may even begin to apprciate the man in your life more. Don't worry about the tear jerking wants of a child. This sounds mean or negative but children, while they are growing up, are completely selfish. They pretty much never give without getting. It is a rare thing when a child will volunteer their time without expecting something in the future. So enjoy the reward of having children. They are entertaining at the very least... a headache at the most but the best of all you get to love them period. When they walk out of your home you realize that all those little things you did like teach them patience and delayed gratification has paid off in the end. I tell myself when my 19 year old wants money that I either put my foot down now or she will still be figuring this stuff out when she is 30. She will beg for money to buy pants, and she is living on her own, I tell her that she could afford them if she stopped smoking. It is harder on me to say no then for her to hear it. She gets mad and hasn't spoken to me at times. But I tell her that if she had a choice between smoking and having those pair of pants what would she choose. Apparently the cigarettes won but she learned something from it still. If you sit and think about what I just wrote it will really sink in on the long-term goal. Don't beat yourself up. We all have doubts about our parenting skills and we all have experiences with being bad parents. Consistancy and respect are key. Letting your kids walk all over you because they know how to manipulate you is not a good thing. I stand by you 100% that you made the decision to buy only one toy per visit. In fact is pretty generous. So, step out of your boring everyday existance and give your life purpose. Having children and raising them shouldn't be the only things you have to think or talk about every day. There are special yoga classes that you can go to when you are pregnant, you may meet some people that you may find interesting and exciting.

i feel so lost.
married to a always busy woman, father of a beautiful 3 1/2 year old.

Dont get me wrong I love them both but I feel soo lost and invisible.

talk about being lost I am going through a divorce and have never felt so lost and alone. Prayers have become a big part of my life and trying to hold it together is a daily battle. I need to heal from this and hope to get past it. Anyone understanding where I am coming from and have some comments or positive outlook on this situation. I would greatly appreciate.

sincerly Donna

I really don't know why I ended up on this page, either. I am a mother of an 18 year old and a 16 year old, a single mother actually, to be honest, it is a lot easier raising children alone, as long as you know how to make yourself happy and not to rely on anyone to be there, it's not easy but it is rewarding - I don't feel the need to be assessed by anyone else - all I have to see are two happy, healthy young adults, with good grades and nice friends - I know I am a good mother and my children tell me so. Give your marriage a chance, don't seek approval from others - and keep going , you're children need you to be strong and happy, so do some positive things to feel better about yourself, get a nice haircut, buy a new outfit, and everytime you say NO to your kids - they will thank you in the long run, trust me. And if you're husband isn't helping you enough - tell him, if he does nothing, then looking after two children is a lot easier without a useless husband and father. Be proud of yourself. So you know, the preschool baby bit is just a shock, you've lost your ability to do what you want when you want, it get's harder actually, but you'll get used to it and the rewards that are coming to you are far greater than anything you could ever buy or own, the love of your children. Good luck and enjoy.


you are amzing. just keep going on.

great love sent from miles away.

(hug me)
i am so lost with my family and my girl frend i love her but i dont fell like im haveing it back :/.

i just dont no wa 2 do with my life :(

and yes im a kide 15 and lost i no wa you are all thinking just a nothere kide lost as all ways ...

and yer its hared .. i have had a hared life i dont see much of my frends no more i miss them very much :(


I googled "feeling lost" and I got your blog. I am 25 and the man I thought I was going to marry just broke up with me. Thank you for this...

"But then again, sometimes I just don't know what to think. I just pray that somehow God knows what He's doing with me."

Thank you for making me feel not so alone...

Its five in the morning and i am jetlagged. I feel very lost right now and also googled "feeling lost" and have to say am grateful to come to this page. Sometimes you feel so alone when these feelings come and to read others stories is a comfort that you are not alone, even though i can feel how hard others lives seem. I am thirty five next month and have been through three miscarriages. I lives a blessed life and am lucky but the hole in me seems to be getting bigger and bigger. I feel like i havnt achieved anything worthwhile in my life, there seems a lot of heaviness in people and doom and gloom. It is hard to be happy in this life when there is so much against you. Everytime i have fallen pregnant i am filled with dread and feeling how hard life would be with a baby, and i wonder if these feelings trigger the miscarriages. I feel like time is not on my side and i am with someone who i believe loves me but as we know how much these men seem to love them selves more! I am just about responsible for myself let alone another little being, but reading others blogs helps me see that life is not easy, and maybe that is the way it is supposed to be. We shouldnt be too hard on ourselves and i take my hat off to most of you for coping in your lives and hope that you can see you are doing well, even though sometimes it does not feel like it. I hope i am able to make the right decisions and i ask god for help with that. I know that he exists but right now i am having trouble in seeing where he is and i do believe he wants the best for us, but i am fed up of growing, and the energy it takes up, there has to be more to life than this.

I have typed in feeling lost as well and am so glad to have found this site. I have felt this way a couple of times in the past but i can't seem to shake it this time. I am in a rut and hate getting up every morning to do the same thing with people that i don't like being around because they are so up tight. I have a lot of fear of the future...I have been married for almost 8 years now and we still are wondering what's next. I would love to have a family and feel included with almost everyone we hang out with, but there is always this inner voice that says I am not ready yet. I still don't know what I want to do with myself and I am 26 years old. I have a passion for children and have been teaching preschool for years but am now feeling like I need to actually learn how to do something else. I really just want to be a stay at home wife and clean, cook, garden... but my husband says that he doesn't want to sacrifice the money and the way we are used to living. I am to the point where SOMETHING has to change. I have a very negative outlook on life right now and feel like " what's the point?" I know this is not a good way to view things but I really have no passion for anything anymore... or maybe I am not allowing myself to feel.. I don't know.. but I do know that writing some of my feelings down has in some way helped me. I pray that God will bring me passion for life again, and soon.

I am feeling lost like u people.having no one around me.who can understand me.got married against my will to someone who also dont love me.but i feel for him i am just a thing who has to be in his life for children and family.who only take cares like a maid.I have been in this torture since a day i got married to him.he makes me lonely.i never want to get married to this selfish creature as i have seen them very closely.they want women to serve them.i dont want to have a kid as i am not mentally prepared for being a wife so how coul i get myself prepared for child.i just want to live my life alone,with full independence and enjoyment.i want to fly like a free bird. i know that he dont love me.for him i am just a wife who has to fulfill her duties no matter what.i want to live my life on my conditions and my will.i dont want to be slave.i am searching for God now a days to ask him few questions.But i dont know now whther he is there or its just a illusion

Hi there,

I completely believe that whatever has happened had to happen. Any everything is always for the best. So, dont worry too much about the 'if' . You are with your husband because it was menat to be.

feel lost, like you all people ,men, woman, mothers,fathers.. I'm not sure what is the answer for been lost, by i di know, if we step back and take courage to look in to our hearts, we will see,the light..

wow... you wrote this in 2006 but people continue to pour love on you as they connect to the honesty in this post.. it made me cry.. isn't the whole world lost sometimes? *hug* you are the daughter of the King! I hope your second child is just as lovely as your first and that your husband is learning to take better care of you

Thank you for writing so honestly and openly about what you are going through and feeling. I also found your page after googling lost and reading the posts here have helped me to feel better. God bless.

Ijust put 'feeling lost' on google and end up here, is wired put something here after 3 years but.... well i know that u are a great mother, keep going!!!!!!

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