February 19, 2006

I didn't pull again today

I didn't pull at all today. Not even eyelashes. That's two days pull free.

My scalp itches. I've noticed that right before I get the urge to pull, I feel an itch. And the itch is what draws my hand to my head. If I can notice the itch, ignore, and keep my hands away from my head, it's easier to avoid and resist the urge to pull.

I was so sad tonight for a little while. Sometimes all these things that are going on pile up and I just wonder....am I doing anything right? I feel like I desperately need an escape from the negative people in my world. My mother, my father, my husband, his mother. I want to run away from them. Usually I just find someone positive to talk to, like my friend L or my aunt K. My sister is also good to talk to when I want to sort things out. She's really the only other person who will hear me out. I'm pretty lucky to have a list of positive people that I can lean on, even if they don't really know I'm leaning on them. Just positive people to have good conversation with and feel normal again.

My daughter is such a joy. She is changing so much now. She has a terrific sense of humor. I'm so lucky to have her. Tonight when I was crying she held me and said "Mommy it's okay". I feel bad that I do that to her sometimes, but it really helps to be myself around her, instead of hiding my feelings. I don't cry in front of her more often than I have to, but sometimes things just overflow.

I have decided that I really don't like my parents at all. In fact, I just hate being around them most of the time. I also hate that I feel this way. I wish they didn't live so close. I hate that I have to act just a certain way around my father, like I'm always trying to earn his respect. I hate that I have to watch them all the time, to make sure they don't do or say anything offensive to Sammy. I hate that I always worry about Sammy being a burden to my mother while my mother watches her (for 2-3 hours a day while I work in the office). I hate that my mother gets tired and snappy. I know that she wouldn't be this way if she didn't go bar-hopping during the week with my father, or have "friends" over during the week for "fun". Gross. I hate their relationship. I hate that my father tries to overpower my mother constantly. I hate that my mother always feels obligated to "baby sit" my father. He is such a...I can't even find the words to explain how I feel about my father. Disappointed, disgusted, dismayed...lots of "d" words there. Sometimes even "dumbass" or "dammit" will do as well. I just despise the man. Everything he represents to me just says "danger danger". Example: On Sunday mornings Sammy and I go to their house for pancakes. We haven't done this in a month just because I didn't feel like dealing with it for a while. I used to enjoy it...before I started waking up to how my parents really are. This morning we went, because I felt obligated. (I hate feeling obligated to these people that I owe NOTHING to). Usually my mom will call to let us know that breakfast is ready, then I take 30-45 minutes to get ready and go over there. Because I want to give mom and dad time to eat. Because if I DON'T, they get short with Sammy because she will not always sit and eat all her food. She wants to play. She's THREE. I hate that they get short with her. Today mom and dad were drinking their tea (an annoying event that they do at least three times a day) and Sammy wanted to go play with my mom. My dad kept saying to Sammy "Now you sit down and let gramma finish her tea". I got so pissed off by the fourth time he said it that I said: "Now, we gave you guys 45 minutes to eat and drink your tea BEFORE we got here. Sammy just wants to play." Now they know that I take a long time to get there on purpose. Dammit, I'm so tired of feeling like I have to watch them around SAmmy. What's it like to have normal parents who enjoy being grandparents? They kind of grandparents that want to take the grandkids to the play place at the mall? The kind that always ask if the grandkids can stay the night? The kind that actually ENJOY buying the grandkids toys? I'll never know. Instead I have to live with these two poor excuses for parents AND grandparents.

I just don't want my daughter to ever walk around with downcast eyes, feeling sad and reprimanded for something she never did wrong. This is how I spent my whole kid life. With downcast eyes. My daughter will NOT live that way. And neither will my son. And if need be, I will take my kids away from them. If my parents cannot treat my children the way I feel they SHOULD be treated, then they will not see them. Period. I'm glad that I'm gradually developing a tougher shell around my parents. It's what I need in order to survive living so close to them.

Tonight my husband got mad at me for something and I felt so AWFUL like I had to hold myself back just from running over to him and clawing his freaking eyes out. I'm so TIRED of him. I'm mostly tired of his laziness. He is so very lazy. But that's a topic for another night I guess.

I'm just glad to have another day pull-free. That's at least 100-150 hairs that I've saved from being pulled over the past two days.

Now if I could only stop the urge to eat. I'm SO hungry. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant and I will pretty much eat anything, any time, any where. ;-) I do try to control myself. I dread getting on the scale at the doctors this week. *sigh* Life is so full of little stressors....one of which is being weighed by a skinny person. Damn you skinny people. ;-)

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on February 19, 2006 8:06 PM


I'm glad you're writing down some of this stuff instead of keeping it all inside.
Just wanted to let you know I'm reading & listening.
Your sis

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