February 13, 2006

Pulling and unresolved issues

There is so much going on in my head lately that I can't even find a way to let it out. I want to, but it's like a huge traffic jam. So, my pulling has been pretty bad. My hair is a mess. I miss the way my hair was, but pulling seems to be the only thing that takes the anxiety away.

There are small things that happen during the course of my normal day: These aren't major things, just things that can add up if too many occur in one day. For instance, my cat peed on my vacuum cleaner. Why on earth would a cat PEE on a VACUUM CLEANER? I couldn't figure it out. So, when I ran the sweeper today, it smelled like cat pee. Yummy. I opened up the vacuum cleaner at least three times to clean it out and douse it with lysol. Finally that worked. Then the sweeper belt broke. Twice. Each time it broke, I had to unscrew the bottom and screw it back on. The second time the belt broke, it shredded into itty bitty melting hot pieces of black plastic. How nice. THEN my husband stops home, desperately needing his cell phone charger that he had left sitting on my kitchen counter for TWO WEEKS. So I had put it away but couldn't find where I put it. And I couldn't remember either. So he was frantic, and when my husband is frantic, he is NOT nice. Finally I found the stupid charger after he had hurt my feelings. I told him that if he would just PICK UP AFTER HIMSELF I wouldn't put things away where he doesn't know where they are. Then I told him to just leave me alone because he'd hurt my feelings. He did call after he left to apologize but it doesn't help somehow. This whole weekend he kept getting annoyed with me. Anyways, that is a typical morning for me in this house. And this is all in the morning hours before I go to work in my home office for my father's business. *sigh*

Most days are better than others though. And most of the time, I get through the day and end up laughing about the things that happened. But still, when I go to bed, the house is a mess and I'm so exhausted that I fall into bed without having gotten a single moment to myself all day. It's no wonder I feel burned out a lot of the time! When i'm not taking care of Sammy and her needs, I'm cleaning the house, running my father's business, or taking care of my animals. Or just laying down completely exhausted...from creating this new life inside of me.

Which also makes me worry...when the new baby comes, how will I manage all of this? My husband doesn't help me with anything. And he thinks that "playing" with Sammy means he lays on the couch while she goes on the floor and plays by herself. And if she asks for something, say to fix her toy or get a drink, my husband doesn't hear her till the 2nd or 3rd time she says it because he is zoned out on the TV. You can imagine how annoying that is to a three year old! So, she gets frustrated and she would rather spend time with me. Who could blame her? NOT ME.

My biggest fear is that I'll somehow lose the closeness I feel with Sammy. That I'll have to split up my love with the new baby. Or what if I don't love my new baby as much as I love Sammy? There are so many fears. I don't want Sammy to ever feel left out, alone, or afraid. But, there is one important thing that someone once told me: "You can't fix your own childhood by making Sammy's a perfect one and losing yourself all over again".

But these are things I just don't know how to resolve. I don't know how to be myself with my husband, my family, my friends. There is always something I'm hiding from everyone. Actually, there are a lot of things. And it takes a lot of effort to hide things...so I end up pulling instead. And pulling and pulling. Maybe I pull in hopes that someone will notice...maybe someone will notice that things AREN'T alright inside. That I desperately need a break from trying to be perfect. But all the pulling does is make me want to hide even more.

I should keep looking at the positive side of things for a while, and maybe these negative issues will slowly fade to the background. Some positive things for me:

1. I haven't pulled any eyelashes for three days.
2. I haven't pulled any hair yet today.
3. I am a good mother to my daughter. She loves me, and she wants to be with me all the time. I'm good at controlling my frustration during our rough times. I don't lash out at her. I'm a good mother. (Repeat this at least three times a day) :-)
4. My animals are well taken care of- by me. And they love me.
5. Best of all...I"m going to have a SON. And his name means "God is Salvation".

God will bring me through these rough times and give me strength that I never knew I could have. And maybe someday I'll trust God enough again to save me from my pulling.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on February 13, 2006 8:30 AM

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