March 1, 2006

no pulling but the tension is high

I have had a lot of urges to pull but I haven't yanked a single hair. This, to me, is amazing. My hair in the bad spots is starting to grow in soft and downy already (a benefit to being pregnant is that my hair grows faster...yay!). Instead of pulling I've been eating lots of sugar.

Eating seems to be the one calm spot in my day when I'm not pulling. It's like, if I can just sit down with a sugarey snack, I'm happy. Forget pulling...I got food. However, this needs to stop! I'm in that phase of my pregnancy where I can really PACK on the pounds in a ridiculous way. It really is ugly how quickly I can gain weight.

That being said, I've just eaten the last of a package of sugar babies. So, for today, I still got my high.

I hate that I need to get high. I hate that I need to escape. But honestly, sometimes I don't know what else to do!

My relationship with my husband has not been good again lately. I'm not sure what his problems are. He started a new job going on three weeks ago and I'm sure that is stressful. But he doesn't even seem to notice that I'm pregnant anymore. He talks about the baby and how excited he is, but he doesn't seem to realize that I'm the one CARRYING the baby around! Last night I went up to him (while he was laying on the couch as usual) and I lifted up my shirt. I pointed to my stomach and said: "You see this? See how big? This hurts. It hurts to be pregnant right now." He didn't say much, at least I didn't give him a chance to because I went in the bedroom to go to bed. That really is the ugly truth about being pregnant right now. My stomach is stretched to what feels like the maximum (though with 11 weeks to go is far from it), I'm bloated and my ankles swell. My fingers are swollen. All I want to do is sit or lay down. I'm so tired of the fatigue! So, to those who have never been does hurt to be pregnant sometimes. It's not all breezy clothes and rosy cheeks and lounging in the sunshine, lovingly caressing your bulging mid section. Sometimes it's a swollen, tight, stretch-marked, fatigued, dark-circled, don't-wanna-get-outta-bed-again-ever kind of thing.

But then, sometimes you are woken at night by a sharp kick in the gut. This little stranger inside of you has decided to have a party at 1:30 in the morning and suddenly your stomach is like a popcorn popper. And you just can't help but smile and put your hands on your stomach and wonder about this tiny person. I know I will love my son as much as a love my daughter. And I know that I won't lose my daughter in all of this. But I do know, that I will lose myself. Just a little more. Unfortunately, mommy is like a pie getting cut up into another slice. And there's not one bite left for me once this little one comes. But someday I'll find myself again.

One thing I don't think I'll ever find again is love for my husband. Of course I care about him, but I care about lots of people. I don't think I will ever love him again. One thing that was bothering me last night was a certain incident that occurred in December. I don't really like to talk about it, because it's an awful memory. I don't like to think about how I could've damaged Sammy that day. Here is what happened:

We were at JC Penney's and getting ready to leave. We were in the lounge area by the exit doors and I was chasing Sammy around trying to get her coat on. Then I noticed straight pins stuck in the carpeting where she was playing and I bent over to pick them up. I got them all up and then we were ready to leave. We walked out to the car and then I realized that I had left my purse in the lounge area. I said to DH: "Honey, you're going to hate me, but I left my purse in the lounge". My heart was racing and my stomach was tight, knowing how mad he would be. It was such a dumb thing to do but a mistake no less. He jumped out of the car and slammed the door to go look for my purse. My heart was pounding and I was holding on to Sammy....I was literally scared to death of the words that would come out of DH's mouth when he got back in the car. My husband does not have a good record of being kind to me when I make a mistake. I saw him coming out of the store with my purse, and since I was sitting in the back seat (in the middle), I just held Sammy's hand and tried to make like everything was fine. I don't remember why I was sitting so far forward, but when my DH got in the car, I got smacked in the face with my purse, and it hit my nose and my nose started to run and I was afraid it was bleeding. I thought he had thrown the purse at my face and started to cry and said "You've never hit me before!" Luckily my nose was not bleeding but my husband was so upset he got out of the car and said he was going to walk home. I should've let him. Instead he got back in the car (because his mother in law yelled at him to get in). He was just so mad that I was crying. I think at this point I realized it was a mistake on his part, but in my mind in had already gone beyond that. He never once asked if I was okay. Not once. He didn't even look back at me to check. I was almost five months pregnant at the time and he didn't give a crap. I don't think I can explain how much that hurt me. Hurt isn't even a good word. But, when this situation starts playing itself over and over again in my head, I ask myself: What if the purse had hit Sammy instead of me? How would I have reacted? What would I have done? Part of me felt I deserved to be hit in the face, accident or not, because it was so stupid of me to leave my purse in there. But you know what? No one deserves to be hit. My husband did later apologize, and bought me jewelry and blah-blah-blah. But I never really came back from that day. As if I wasn't already gone enough.

So in short, I've given up on my marriage. I really don't care what he does, or even if he comes home at night. I don't enjoy being with him. When I am with him, I just go through the motions. Doing what it takes to make him not get mad at me for something. I want to be separated from him emotionally and physically. I want him to hurt...and I want him to KNOW that I don't want to be around him. However, we have one child together and another on the way. So, in my mind, somehow I've forged a kind of "business relationship" with my that in appearances we function as a man and wife or mother/father of two should function. But underneath the surface, I feel nothing towards him. Just another act in the play that is my life.

After writing about all of this, I realize that it really hasn't made me feel better. In fact, I feel worse. I so want a husband that I can lean on and depend on and TRUST. This man will never be that. But because I've chosen to have children with this man, and because neither one of us deserves to have Sammy taken from us, I have to stay with him. There will never be another option for me. What drives me crazy is that he mentioned a divorce the day after my sister left during Christmas. And he maliciously added: "And I will make sure that the judge knows all about your family and what they did and still do. " So, he in fact threatened me that if we ever get a divorce, he'll do everything he can to have Sammy taken from me.

I can't ever let that happen. Never never never. The night he said that to me, I broke down in tears and just said: "She is all I have. She's all I have." I'll do whatever I can, and wear whatever mask I need to in order to keep my child. She's the only future I have. Her and my son.

So, that seems to be why the tension is high right now. Sometimes, there is just no escape for me.

Posted by Cody on March 1, 2006 9:36 AM


Hi Cody - you should know how many people out there you are helping right now with your website. I can't even say thank you enough to you for this. It has made me really try hard not to pull and encourage others as well, especially the younger girls and guys out there. I feel sad after reading your last post. You are such a thoughtful person. Your husband totally does not get it - his behavior is selfish, immature and reeks of insecurity. Most likely from the way he was raised. I know the bible says not to get divorced, but in your case, I know that (for ME), I would not stay in such a marriage. His threats about taking Sammy are his ammunition. Don't give in to it. Get a lawyer and KNOW your rights. Be prepared for the fight. Don't be on edge with your guns drawn ALL the time, but be ready. I have a 9 year old son, and an absolutely FABULOUS, supportive, caring, capable and handsome husband. I truly love him, but haven't always - we've had our tough times too, but we have grown over the years (married 6 years now). So I know what you mean about not loving your husband. Does he know you have this website? You are such an open person. Are you able to be that open with him? Are you fearful of him? Stand your ground girlfriend and show him that you are not afraid and he will either change his tune, or become more insecure. Just be careful - don't jeapordize your safety. And DO NOT hesitate EVER to call the cops if he hurts you. I know how blessed I am and I am grateful to our Lord for where I am in my life. Nothing stays the same forever. Change is inevitable, so where you are at right now with your husband will not stay the same. I cannot imagine being married to someone like your husband. I would rather be alone. Sorry - I honestly don't mean to hurt your feelings by saying that. That's just me. I think your husband has conditioned you to his behavior (abuse). Know that there are good people out there who DO NOT treat others that way. Just please hang in there - you are a BLESSING to many of us - this website could be your calling! We don't know what God has in store for us down the road. Keep praying to Him and only good things will happen - and when the bad things do happen, you'll be more able to handle them. I will pray for you. BTW, to your sister - you are a ROCK! I am glad to see a family member so supportive. You two have a wonderful bond. Take care, God bless you and I will write again!



I am really happy for your progress in quitting pulling.
take care

(HUG) (BIG HUG). We have a lot in common. It took me 17 years to get strong. I want to offer you some practical advice. The most common threats men make is "I'll take the kids". "You won't survive without me because I'll get everything". So. What you need to do is document these abuses and comments, and, when he physically harms you or Sammy, you call the police. Make sure a report is written.
Talk to a domestic abuse counselor. Remember that you are never deserving of being struck "accidentally", denegrated for forgetting your purse, etc., ignored, or held as a financial hostage. I kept a log of dates and times of abuse and neglect. I suggest writing your grocery store checks for 5 or 10 dollars over the amount and putting it away. Put important documents where he cannot get them, like Sammy's birth certificate and shot records. He's going to be really mad about being arrested for abuse, and he'll know how to make you miserable, like taking things with him when he either temporarily or permanently moves out. Hide them. Hide the valuables and don't forget to hide the household tools, as you are going to learn how to change the locks. Replacing screwdrivers, hammers, drills, is expensive. Get a credit card in your name only. DO NOT USE IT till after he is out and then only for the gravest of emergencies. Once a divorce gets underway, you will play hell trying to get a loan or credit card, so act now. When you are ready to get out, don't say anything until you have visited a bank and gotten a personal loan for at least 2K. After the loan is approved, you can tell him that you are finished. You are going to need that money to pay an attorney and to survive the 6 or 8 weeks before a child support hearing is set.
All of the actions are going to make you strong. And in the face of this strength and determination, he will either straighten up or be history. You are obviously a great mom and a good person. You care about other people - and took the time to make sure the pins were not going to hurt anyone. Oh, put the 'apology jewelery' in with the tools. They'll come in handy at the hock shop. Take it one day at a time, girlfriend, I know your priorities are Sammy, the babe, and you. So take the actions you need to for you three's sake. Love to you.

Cody, I'm glad you have some of the practical worries sorted out. Just want to mention that those savings and CD's, and maybe even the credit cards would be frozen during a divorce proceeding because they would be viewed as community property. You will still need some sole and separate funds. He really is an asshole, pardon my french. And you cannot make an asshole into anything else. He sounds like he is incapable of being interested or concerned with anyone other than himself, and I don't believe that sort of flaw can be corrected by him belatedly asking you questions about your likes or dislikes. Someone who truly loved you and liked you would have been and continued to be interested (facinated, even) with you. He is slick enough to have picked up on your flaws tho. He realizes that you have low self-esteem, and that is probably the only insight he feels he needs. It keeps you under his thumb. (He likely has always secretly known that he doesn't deserve you, and, in his mind, you must be punished. You must be brought DOWN to his level. Then, he can feel his false sense of superiority). I want you to do an experiment. Pick out the most rotten vegetable or fruit you can find at the store. Hold it in your hand and try to tell yourself that this is the one you "deserve". Choose the ugliest dress. "Oh, yes, yes, that is the one I "deserve". Chances are you won't buy any of those things. Why? Because you and I both know that you "deserve" better. Take it further. Do you really, really, really, believe that you don't deserve a mate that is your emotional equal? DH sounds and acts like a rotty banana or a "99% off" future fashion goof. Emotional abuse is often more damaging than actual hitting. I recommend a book, "Your Child's Self Esteem". And, for yourself, have a laugh as you imagine pairing yourself with assorted cast-offs. You would't choose it/them if you thought things out thoroughly. And, you don't need to continue punishing yourself for past choices. If he wanted to straighten out, he will. You are too young to write off or waste your entire life.

Hi Judy - you said a lot of good things there. It was a "last straw" for me too when I was 23 and left my fiance after getting backhanded across the face which sent me to the other side of the room. My life is so good now and even if I never see it, I know he will "get his", if he hasn't already. Now I am 41, a mother and very happy. Cody, we all have crap in our closets and trust me, we all have learned from it. Take Judy's advise. She knows the drill. Hang in there sister! We love you!!!


Thank you everyone for your support. I can't say how much it means to me.

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