April 26, 2006

Haven't felt much like posting...still pulling

After 5+ weeks being pull free, I started pulling again. I started pulling shortly after being possibly diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. We haven't had any problems since, but I was pretty scared and stressed out...and it was just beyond what I could handle. I was also very exhausted at the time and unable to cope with anything....not without my favorite coping mechanism. The pulling has not been terrible...just enough to undo the progress that I had made.

I hadn't felt like posting in my journal after being assaulted by a stranger the last time, but I decided not to let them get the best of me.

I am still nine months pregnant and feeling pretty yucky at times. But I also get these energy rushes every now and then that make me feel GREAT, like I could run a mile. I love that. It's a sign that the end of this pregnancy is near and I am READY. :-) At night the pelvic pressure is so terrible that it is torture to roll over. Very yucky. I have terrible acid reflux as well which wakes me up at night. But soon, this will all be over and I'll remember THESE days as the easy ones! Ha!

I do try to be upbeat, but the past three nights I have woken up crying because I am so terrified of the labor with this baby. I'm so afraid that what happened last time will happen again. Every night I've had to talk myself out of the fear that I will die after giving birth to Jameson. I've never really had an actual fear of dying. I'm blinking back tears right now as I type. I'm so afraid. There's no way to get rid of this fear except to live through the labor and to know that it's over...and that I survived. Until then, there's no way of knowing. No way to stop being afraid. I even wrote out my will and my last words to my family. That sounds so dramatic, I know, but the urge came to me the second night and I just felt I had to do it. If I die, my family will need to know what I want done with my animals, my belongings, my children. It's only right. It may be dramatic, but necessary. And somehow it made me feel a little better.

One of the things I've struggled with is my anger with God. I'm still angry that he let all of that happen to me. I felt abandoned by everyone that day, including God himself. And that felt really terrible, and really lonely, and I can't seem to forgive Him for that. I think He understands. Someday maybe I will get past this.

That's all I have to say today.

Posted by Cody on April 26, 2006 9:38 AM


If you want me to come be there when you have the baby-- I will be there. I dont give a damn how many days of school I have to miss or whatever else is going on in my life. If it will help at ALL, give me the word and I will be there as soon as I can.
Your sis

You are in my heart and in my prayers. I'm glad you finally posted, I've been worried about you. I'm sorry to hear that things have been so hard. I pray that everything goes well with your pregnancy. God knows that we aren't perfect, and I'm sure He forgives us even when we can't forgive Him. I don't think it was a dramatic thing to do writing out your will. Life is unpredictible, and whether we want it to or not, shit happens. All we can do is prepare and be ready for whatever happens. I believe you will be fine though. You are a wonderful woman, and your children need you to be their mother. I am so excited for your son to be brought into the world, and for you to begin enjoying him. How is your daughter? Please, PLEASE email me if you ever need to talk. I check my mail daily, and don't have much going on in my life, so I am here :)
Cheering for you,

Hey. You know what, I also want to add that it is very cool that even in the midst of ALL that you have going on, all the stress you are under, all the fear that you are in, that you are STILL taking time out to do stuff like this. You are thinking ahead-- you are making plans--you are being prepared just in case something happens to you. Above everything that is going on with you, you are still making sure that everyone else is taken care of. That shows just how strong you are. All of us probably ought to make plans for the future just in case something happens.
Given what happened when you had Sammy, of COURSE you are scared now. Who wouldn't be? Its ok to be scared. But look at this fear has helped you do: you've switched doctors, you've talked to the dr. about what happened before, they're aware of what to watch for this time when you're in labor, they know better how to protect your baby/you/your health, and you're going to have a LOT more people looking out for you and praying for you. You are doing such a good job as a mom and J. and S. are so INCREDIBLY lucky to have you as their mommy. Man, they just really have it made.
I'd say the odds are definitely in your favor right now. :)
Call me ANY TIME you need to talk, even at school.
Your Sis

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