April 30, 2006

Pulling has increased again :-(

My pulling increased last week because I was sent to labor and delivery after my doctor's appointment and I was very tense and scared. I was later discharged, but after being in L & D, I realized I am in no way ready to tackle this baby's birth and labor! I'm so afraid. I felt out of control and just plain out of my body while laying in that bed, listening to the "thump thump thump" of James heartbeat on the monitor. I just couldn't believe it was happening already. But, luckily, my condition improved while resting and I was able to go home! Good thing because I was close to freaking out. Jameson needs a couple more weeks in there before I'll be ready for him to arrive. I don't want to have any problems with a preemie baby! I want a nice, big, chubby baby like my Sammie was.

The worst part was when Dr. X came in the room...the same doctor who left me to lay in my hospital bed and slowly bleed to death for three hours. The same doctor who dismissed the pain I was in...and told me I had to "bite the bullet". The same doctor who practically ripped out my gauze the day after my surgery (for those of you who did not read far back in my journal: I had a hematoma in the birth canal due to an abhorrent artery bleeding between the tissues. My blood count went to 5 and I had to have blood transfusions, plus the pain was horrendous and I was left to lie there for nearly four hours.). When he knocked at the L & D door the other day and walked in, I had to quickly compose myself. How would I treat him? I did the thing that I always do....I dissociated from my feelings and became overly kind and generous with him. I became...almost like someone else. Someone who thinks that being nice to the people who have hurt you will solve all your problems. I wish I would have spoken my mind instead. But, I realized how small and old Dr. X is. And that maybe, just a little, he felt uncomfortable when he realized who I was.

At any rate, I know that when I go back to the doctor this week, I need to be honest with Dr. P about Dr. X... and about what happened. And this is what it boils down to:

NO ONE is going to take me seriously until they realize ONE fact. The fact is that I DID almost die that day that Sammie was born. My blood count was 4.6. Another hour and I would have faded away. Crashed. DIED. Until everyone in my family and at the hospital realizes this...I will NOT be taken seriously. In fact, the nurse who came in to see me the other day was the same nurse who offered me the Tylenol with Codeine the day that the hematoma started. She looked at my records: "Oh gee...that's right...the hematoma...that must have been painful". Well no SHIT, you freakin' ho. But you know what? Pain Schmain. I ALMOST DIED FROM IT. Let's all get that straight. And let's deal with the fact that MAYBE, just MAYBE, that abhorrent artery HASN'T moved...that maybe it's STILL in the same place. Waiting to break open again. Waiting for the right moment. And maybe this time it'll be ready to bleed ever so much faster.

It's a fact...at least I'm being real about it. My DH thinks I'm being negative. I think I'm being REAL. Big difference. No one seems to understand that I'M the one who went through this! I'M the one who SUFFERED. I'M the one who chooses how I FEEL, REACT, and RESPOND to the past and current events. It's MY story. My body. MINE.

So, in effect, my pulling seems to be all that comforts me for now. I feel like pulling 24 hours a day. I wake up at night wanting to pull. I wish it wasn't like this. I wish...I had something else besides the pulling. But nothing works as well. Sad, but true.

I just hope I have some hair left when James arrives. More importantly, I hope I survive everything in order to be his mommy too.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on April 30, 2006 8:21 PM


Hey Cody, my name is Ivana and I just found this blog. I'm also a trichster,24 years old from Croatia. I'm still catching up with your entries, seems like you're having really rough time now.
Hope everything will work out fine and keeping fingers crossed that your babies have healthy mum ;) Hang in there, you'll make through it all.
Sending best wishes :)

Hey Cody,
I say, don't be afraid to open your mouth. Make sure everyone understands your fears and that they are real because of what happened during Sammie's birth. It's your body and your life. They ought to be treating you with the utmost care. Don't worry about the pulling right now. A person can only deal with so much, and with what you're going through, you shouldn't have to put yourself under the microscope and focus on your imperfections. There will be time to deal with that later. You just focus on staying healthy, and gettting that baby good and plump :) I'm still praying for you. I know God will help you through this. You have a better doctor this time, make sure and communicate with him. You are a strong woman, YOU CAN survive this!

EXACTLY. I want you to TALK AND TALK and get MEAN if you have to until someone there LISTENS to you. You are not being negative. You are being REALISTIC. You HAVE to get the drs to listen. Screw what they might feel or think-- this is your BODY and your LIFE. You do ANYTHING you have to to protect yourself and the baby. That morning was horrible. It was terrible enough watching you go thru it, and I cannot IMAGINE the pain you were in. Those ****** doctors. I HATE them so much. You HAVE to protect yourself. Heck, I have the name of your hospital, I'm fixing to call them myself.

Oh, dear. See what-all happens when I don't check in.
I agree with Sis. Sis is ready, willing, and able to be your mouth piece and advocate.
If you aren't up to fighting, let Sis. LET HER. And, if Sis isn't able to be around in person to make things plain, you are going to have to - to make sure your life isn't lost. You can do it by writing your doctor a letter and telling him about the blood count, the agony and near death, and your fear about the artery being a bigger problem this time. Hand it to him. Keep a copy and give one to Sis. He will have to take precautions or lose his license. Nothing says 'serious' better than something in writing. Love to you. The hair will grow back, but you'll have to keep yourself alive to enjoy it. Love to you all.

Thank you everyone. It means so much.

Roll my log and I will roll yours... Matilda

A bad beginning makes a bad ending... Ciriacus

A bad beginning makes a bad ending... Ciriacus

A bad beginning makes a bad ending... Ciriacus

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