June 20, 2006

Today doesn't feel very good...but I haven't pulled yet

Today doesn't feel like a very good day. The morning started out feeling a little disjointed and strange. Not that we weren't having fun or having a nice morning...I just felt...strangely detached. I can only attribute this to my post partum depression which still fights through the medication sometimes.

My baby boy is gassy today and fussing alot. I have headache (which I have everyday). Sammy wants to do things that I just can't do with a baby boy fussing in my arms constantly. My husband stopped home when Sammy went for a short walk to pick flowers with my mom and he was furious that Sammy was not with me. She is supposed to be in my sight all the time. I shouldn't have let her go with my mom, I really shouldn't have, but I needed a break. I just SO needed a break. I love Sammy...and she needed a break too. Instead of getting a break I got in trouble.

I know my husband has a vaild point about the kids being with me all the time. I know I shouldn't let them out of my sight, because of my parents having the track record that they have. I guess it would be different if I was able to get a break when he got home from work. But when he gets home, he lounges on the couch and watches TV while I:

1. Walk the kids back to the barn to feed the horses and clean stalls and at least play with Sammy for a little while providing Jamie doesn't fuss in the stroller too much.
2. Walk home and find supper for Sammy and nurse Jamie.
3. Get Sammy in the bathtub and wash her hair while Jamie usually fusses. Then I finally get Jamie in the bathtub and dressed.
4. Get Sammy OUT of the bathtub (not an easy task as she never wants to get out!) while Jamie usually fusses.
5. Nurse Jamie again while I run around getting everything ready for bed.
6. Get Sammy in bed and try to read to her as long as Jamie is screaming from being gassy.
7. If Jamie is gassy and screaming, I just hold SAmmy alongside me and try to talk to her about our day and what we might dream about.
8. Wait until Sammy finally passes out from exhaustion.
9. Nurse Jamie to keep him quiet until he passes out from exhaustion.
10. I pass out from exhaustion before being able to take a shower, brush my teeth, or eat.

Thus ends my day. My husband usually falls asleep on the couch and comes to bed much later. I just wish I could count on him for SOMETHING. I just wish he wouldn't be so LAZY.

I wonder what he wishes about me.

I wonder if I even care anymore.

Sometimes I feel like there is not much left in this life for me anymore. All I am about is taking care of my babies and my animals and my work in the office and before I know it the whole day has gone by without me having one single moment to myself.

But maybe that is all part of being, what is essentially, a single mother.

Some times I feel so trapped by my marriage...I feel like a rabbit in a snare...and so tired of being trapped that I want to gnaw off my own foot to get away. My sister knows all about my marriage. I feel so bad that she had to be around my husband while she was here. I tried to tell her that it wasn't her at all...that he is ALWAYS like that...but I don't think she believed me.

It was really nice while my sister was here. I even had a few moments of fun which is more than I've had in a WHILE. When I'm around my husband so much, I usually don't get to have much fun.

One thing that I've thought of is this: When my sister first told me about her DID, I felt like these "other" people inside her had "stolen" my sister from me. I was even a little bit angry. I felt like they were strangers to me. But as the past two years have gone by, I've realized that I DO know all of them. That I've been with all of them. There all my sister. The first time she visited me after I'd found out about the DID, I always felt like I was wondering "who" I was with. "Who" was "out" at the time. But now I don't even wonder that anymore...it doesn't even cross my mind. I just enjoy my time with her. She's my sister, and she always has been. Nothing will ever change that.

When we watched our old home movies last week, I felt sad alot. I was so free when those videos were taken...I was funny and I laughed and acted the funny parts. I was relaxed and enjoying life and enjoying making myself and others laugh. I want that back. That feeling of freedom. And the only person stealing the fun out of my heart is my husband. I can't let him do that anymore. I need to find my way back to ME. Regardless of what he thinks.

So, my long term goals are to 1. Stop pulling my hair again...no more excuses. 2. Keep losing weight. I'm only 8 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight. BUt my body is so changed....I was wearing a size 20W jeans :-( but they are starting to fall off of me so I may be able to fit back into my 16's. But I look and feel terrible in everything.

Those are my goals for now. More later.

Posted by Cody on June 20, 2006 11:46 AM


Uh.... NO, he DOESNT have a valid point about the kids being with you all the time, actually. Thats just something he's brainwashed you into thinking. Sorry. He's just an asshole in every direction.

Keep taking your Prozac!! I am going to ask to get my Wellbutrin upped next week at the doctor.

I thought you looked GREAT last week!

I'm so glad I got to come up. I wish you and S. and J. could come here for a visit. In Janurary, of course, when its not so hot. ;)

I am so sorry you have to deal with your husband not helping you around the house - that is just uncalled for, especially with a new baby! I wish I could send some magic little fairies over to help you out - help you watch your daughter so you can have some time for yourself and help you kick your husband in the arse :)

Hang in there!!! Sending thoughts and prayers your way!

Oh, by the way, I found your journal through Pilgrim...so you don't think I'm some weird freak. Even though I am. But that's besides the point... :D

I don't know if this will help at all... but one thing my therapist tells me is to try and separate, in my mind, what are really MY thoughts and what is just the depression talking.

For example, when you are thinking things like, I am so miserable/I have no energy/My life is not worth living/etc. That's the depression talking, not the REAL YOU.

And when you're saying, I have to pull my hair, that's the trich talking, NOT YOU!

(I find this helps me break the downward spiral temporarily.)

Your husband sounds like a real winner.... Have you tried couples therapy? Just wondering.

Hang in there, your beautiful babies need you to be strong and keep going!!

They don't need couples counseling. Cody needs Cody counseling. So she can hear the truth from someone who would really tell her the truth--- that she is valuable as her own person and can make decisions on her own and is a person in her own right.
Her husband's jerky behavior isn't a reflection on her. He would do all this shit to ANYONE he is married to- and he HAS before-- with his first wife. He would do it with his 3rd and 4th wife too. It isn't Cody that is the problem with any of this, and I WISH she would realize it. Its her husband that is the problem.
Sis I REALLY REALLY like what Lara suggested-- separating the depression thoughts vs the YOU thoughts. I had to do that when I 1st started therapy. the Me thoughts vs the eating disorder thoughts. It helped SO much. You might want to write that stuff down once in a while-- it really does help. (hint- if you're thinking life sucks or your DH is right about something, that's the depression, NOT YOU; if i am thinking that I don't deserve to eat or that dad is right about something, thats not me talking.)

PS I miss you guys!

You are an amazingly hard worker and what I would consider a victim of circumstance; however, I have Trich and such myself, I understand, and this is life, you are doing the best you can and incredibly at that. You are facing the difficulties everyone faces in life and then some.... I know how hard this can be and am in awe that you are raising your children so well and are so strong. You are very inspiring; good luck to you. I will not forget and I hope for your best.

Sincerely, Tamara

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