July 18, 2006

Two days pull free

I am moving on with my hair pulling...finally! My cycle seemed to be this: I have a couple days a week where I would pull only a couple of hairs. Then one or two days a week where I could NOT stop pulling. Usually it would start at night. And I would literally keep myself awake pulling my hair. :-( It was really awful. So for t he past week I have not had a spree and the past two days I haven't pulled at all...not even an eyelash.

I want so bad to look better than I do. I'm tired of being a mess. My face is so fat and round that my lack of hair makes me really look bad.

Last week at WW I lost 5.2. This week I gained 3.8. WTF? I knew I had gained. Looking back, I didn't journal most days and ate what I wanted to the other days. I can put away so much food. It's like I don't even notice it until I look back in retrospect. Sucks. I am still down a total of 1.4 for three weeks which comes out to ALMOST a half pound a week. So, I've turned the disappointment around so that I don't sabotage myself.

Last night I finished the day with 38 Points and went to bed. I better about that. Usually on Mondays, which is my weigh-in day, I pig out and eat whatever I want after the meeting. This could easily result in a 100+ Point day. I understand now that I just can't do that anymore! I am in my thirties now (good GAWD how did that happen) and my metabolism just isn't what it was when I started Weight Watchers in '99. Bummer. So, I've resigned myself to knowing that I will only reach my goal if I stay on Program every day. It's a lifestyle, not a diet, right? HA!

88.6 pounds to goal. It seems so un-attainable. But what choice do I have? I could easily make goal in 18 months even at this rate. So, I could ask myself: How healthy can I be by the time Jamie turns 18 months? I'd like to be at goal then.

I'm just so tired of being fat. I feel like I don't DESERVE to be fat. Maybe that's the wrong attitude. But when I see a picture or a home video of myself and I realize that I take up at least 2/3 of the photo or tv screen....I can't believe that it's me! I don't see myself as that large. Must be a side effect of pregnancy. :-) But, I'm starting to realize it now. And it's hard. And it makes me want to be down. But I know I can beat this.

My children are great these days. I can't believe I am the mother of two! It makes me feel very capable. My daughter, she is wonderful. She is the drama queen now since she is almost four. But my God, I love her so much. She still sleeps with me every night...and I'm so glad. I really hope she doesn't move out of my bed just yet. Last night she had a bad dream and just calmly woke me and asked me to put my arm around her. It's moments like that that make me so happy to be RIGHT THERE beside her. Jamie sleeps on the other side of me cuddled next to his favorite thing...my chest. :-)

DH sleeps in the other queen bed. By himself.

Our marriage still sucks. Just when I think we're making progress, I realize how far we are from being compatible. The other night I said to him: "Maybe we should just face the fact that we are two different people and just be "mom and dad" from now on". He thought I was talking actual divorce or separation. But I wasn't. I was thinking of just co-existing. Happy on the surface. Functioning for the kids. An emotional divorce I guess. Or, maybe we'll just fake it until we make it. But I don't think things between us will ever change. We are too different. Unfortunately we had children before I figured this out! Now I chose him as my childrens' father and I have to find a way to make it the best I can for the kids. My happiness comes second to that of my babies.

Other than this, my life feels pretty good. I've never felt like a better mom. Having Jamie was the best thing I've ever done. He's renewed my faith in God and life and everything that is good and safe. He's wonderful. I don't know what I would ever do without him now.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on July 18, 2006 10:28 AM


OK so I would be depressed if I thought I had 88 pounds to go to my goal too.
What about splitting up your goal into smaller increments?
That might make it more manageable.
Think instead, "Goal #1"
"Goal #2" etc
Maybe Goal 1 is "Lose 5 pounds by August 15"
Goal 2 is "Lose 5 more pounds by my birthday"
Then each time you meet a goal, celebrate-- give yourself a sticker, take a bath, spend time with just you and the kids, go buy a book, DONT CELEBRATE BY EATING MORE.
When I am at school at the beginning of the year, i have a load of work to do and its SO overwhelming that I go nuts. If I think instead, I have to do just #1 and #2 today... that is much more manageable. #3,4,5 can wait til tomorrow. If I start thinking, I HAVE TO GET ALL THIS DONE!NOW! , its crazymaking.
Try splitting up your goal into manageable bites. Reward yourself along the way. That may help.

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