So alone tonight...and wanting to pull my hair
I feel so alone tonight. I feel as though I have no voice. That there isn't any words to convey how lonely and small my heart feels. I want to cry out to someone so badly but I can't reach past this wall I've built around myself. I feel like I want to jump in the pond and feel the dark quietness surround me, gulp in the cold water, and not resurface. I want to let go. I can't do this.
I'm so trapped inside of myself.
I have had two sick kiddos for three days now and I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I want to escape. I want to ask for help. But maybe it would feel so good if someone would just offer their help. Show some softness towards me. Help me to get over these walls. My mother doesn't offer to help, and I am too afraid to ask. There isn't anyone else to help me nearby. Why do I find it so easy to take care of everyone else's needs...but not mine? My husband...I just can't stand to be in the same room with him anymore. I want to run away. I find myself being so bitter and angry towards him, when deep inside I'm dying to reach out to him.
The other day my husband went with me for the first time to drop off Sammie at preschool. He told her goodbye in the classroom, and as we left the school, I stole a sideways glance and saw tears in his eyes. And I just thought: "Why can't I reach you? I know you're in there somewhere. Why can't I have you? Why do you lash out at me?" I'll never be able to have him.
Tonight Jamie threw up all over the bed and I just needed help in getting the bed changed. SAmmie was exhausted and coughing so badly. Jamie was crying and covered with yuck. My face and hair and nightgown had vomit all over. I just needed help. Instead my DH gets angry because "he just wants to go to bed." Suddenly I feel as though all of this is my fault.
I don't WANT TO NEED HIM. I HATE THAT I NEED HIS HELP sometimes. I JUST WANT TO NOT NEED ANYONE...EVER EVER EVER. I want to do this all myself.
But I can't.
And nights like this are hard. Because I realize that I can't, but it's too late. I don't know how to ask for help. And the people I've surrounded myself with are the kind of people who don't help unless they're asked. When really what I want is for someone to reach out for me. To help.
I'm trying so hard not to pull tonight. I can't hurt myself anymore because of what others do to me. I have to stop hurting myself. I have to stop making myself feel as though I'm unworthy of help and love. I am worthy. I deserve to not be hurt. HOw can I ask others to stop hurting me if I'm the one doing the most damage? I can't.
All I have on a night like tonight is prayer. And sometimes I feel like I'm my prayers are empty. God helps those who help themselves. I just don't think I can help myself tonight. I have to find someway to get free.
Until next time.
Posted by Cody on September 24, 2006 7:52 PM
Wow, did I write this? Sorry, I've never posted on any kind of blog before, I just ran across this blog and it seems so familiar its scary. I'm 27, a mother of two, a 4 year old girl and a 2 1/2 year old boy and I don't have my hair pulling under control. (In fact, I keep doing it right now.) My husband sounds much like yours, a little better lately, but that comes and goes. He gets so angry about my hair pulling. My hair is starting to look bad, I've been thinking about trying hair extensions to fill it in, but that scares me a little. So where do you start? I want to stop this so much, but its not that easy. My family thinks drugs are the answer, but I really hate that idea, there must be some other way. Its at least nice to know there are others, people I know act like I'm a freak...
It gets better. I kept reading that trich goes away by age 30, but mine didn't go away until I was about 35. I still sometimes pull, but only rarely and I know the triggers. So I can avoid them.
One thing that really helped me was finally not caring who knew. I had to get so comfortable with myself that I could tell anyone, even coworkers, "yeah, I started when I was 9. Sometimes when I am under stress, it comes back for a while." No biggie.
I have never been pretty, so I just find value in how smart and helpful I am. I'm a good person. Who cares if I don't have eyelashes?
Mind you, if I also pulled the hair on my head, it would be harder for me to go out in public and not cover it. That must be very difficult.
Where are all these jerks coming from? We date them and we marry them. I've read 'Smart Women, Foolish Choices' and every self-help book you can think of. I've been in therapy off and on forever. Yet I keep attracting only damaged men.
Sigh.
I have suffered with trich for so many years that I cannot count. I have been pull free for a couple of weeks now (I think). I threw out the tweezers which make it so easy.
It's so hard. I have been wearing wigs and other disguises for my problem for the last 15 years! I still can't believe it's been that long. i don't even know that my hair can grow back all one length. I can't imagine going through this for the rest of my life. Keeping you in my prayers to stay pull-free!
I have an eyebrow pulling problem. It's weird to my license and see eyebrows. My license is dated Mar 98.
im 20 y.o and
i pull my hair because it feels good, especially when my scalp is sore.. I used to pull my eyelashes out when i was in highschool, after seeing how bad it looked i stopped..i do it the most when im majorly bored or depressed about something..
it's hard for me to quit because of how good it feels..
its not noticeable, because i cover it up, in fact no1 knows except my close family members..i get kinda nervous when im with some1 who's attracted to me, i worry if they might see it lol.
alot of people tell me how pretty i am, i dont always feel that way.
hey,
As i was pulling my hair out strand by strand tonight. I looked down at the pile of hair all around me, i started to cry, wondering "what is wrong with me" i feel like a freak. Just wanted to write and say i dont feel so alone, after reading the posts on your website. Thanks
Never cackle till your egg is laid... Jocosa
Never cackle till your egg is laid... Jocosa
To nobody AKA "Jocosa": Who the hell are you and why are you posting these stupid comments? Go away! No one understands what you mean. Go bother someone else.
He who likes borrowing dislikes paying... Barnard
Between the upper and nether millstone... Jenkin
Between the upper and nether millstone... Jenkin
Between the upper and nether millstone... Jenkin
I don't know if it makes me happy or sad that there are other people out there with the same problem as I do. I guess I'm just glad I'm not alone. But I really wish that all of us can stop this exhausting pulling. I'm 25 and almost bald for a few years now. Every time I feel like I've finally quit pulling, with a full head of hair, as soon as it's barely long enough to pull I just tear it all up again. Sometimes I go at it for so long that most of my fingertips are really hard w/ deep fingernail marks that don't go away until the skin slowy peels off. My arms shake from getting tired of raising them to pull. Even though it shakes it still stays up. People who get a glimps of me usually ask me "how long have you been in chemo?" I can totally relate to all of you, but do any of you get as bad as I do? Or am I just crazy? I don't want to live like this anymore, I'm so tired of this. I wish that we can all stop this maddness already. I'm sorry if I sound like an ass. But it just breaks my heart that so many people have this problem pulling hair. I wish you all the best of luck in finding a way to quit pulling and find peace in our hearts.
I haven't read the other comments so I am sorry if I am just merely repeating what has been said. However, I can only wish there was a huge difference between you and myself, but I can not say that. I only wish I can offer you some advice, but being that I am the last person in the world to offer advice to anyone, I can't offer anything. I just want to say that I sincerely wish that you find the one for you (whether or not you're already married to that person) and that you give your kids all the love they need, the same love you need, and deserve.
Im Lindsey, Im 14 and ive been pulling my hair for 12 years.
I first started with my eyelahes..then i stopped. Then i did it with my hair it was bad for awhile. then when i was in 6th grade i had a full head of hair...now im in 8th grade have spots and thin spots!
my family tell me to stop but i scream at them telling them it aint easy. But they will never understand. I was resarching sites on why i do it. i found this site... alot of them relate to me.
Im glad i have people goin through the same thing.
well i hope i can stop soon. and i wish yall the same.
i do feel a lot better knowing that i am not the only one. i COMPLETELY relate to what each of you are going through because i do the same. ive been pulling for only a year and already the whole top of my head is bald. well the hair has grown back about an inch or 2.. but its embarressing being an 18 year old girl with nice hair to her middle back and the whole top of my head with just an inch. it is so embaressing and as much as i try to stop i cant. its embaressing because no matter how much i try to hide it, i always feel that is all people look at. i pray for all of you. hopefully somehow we can all get over the pulling. god bless
It is no nice to hear others who are like me. I have not told anybody about my hair pulling. My Hair is starting to look bad, and it is harder to hide. I feels so alone. I hate pulling, and I can't stop, I feel it is getting worse. I started when I was 16, and I am now 20. How the hell did this happen?
1. the people who are around you a)such b)are clueless. This is not your fault.
2) I wish I was there. I could come help in a heartbeat. Even if it was late at night. I would clean up baby puke for you so you could get some sleep. I'm sorry he threw up again!!!