October 29, 2006

Feeling confused

I'm feeling very confused tonight. Things with my husband are so bad, I just don't know what to do about it or where to turn.

It has been so bad that I've been wondering if Jamie would miss me if I gave DH full custody of him while I get full custody of Sammie. Jamie is only six months old. He probably wouldn't even remember me. But that's such stupid thinking. I could never give up my son.

My DH is an impossible person. He's prickly and mean and old and unhealthy. His family is loud and likes to swear and drink. I just don't FIT here. This isn't right. Everything feels wrong.

I think that maybe I got fat and let myself get run down so that I would feel more like I fit in at this level. Like I belong in this mess.

But I don't.

I deserve better. And I want better. But I just don't know how to GET it. I think about running away sometimes but I don't have enough money saved to support the kids. If my parents lived far away I could go to them. But leaving here means leaving my work.

But sometimes I think about it. More and more often. The other day I went to the bank to draw out some money. I imagined in my head what it would be like if I was emptying an account and leaving for somewhere. Just me and the kids. Where would I go?

I need to save more money. Because someday (soon) I might imagine myself leaving and not be able to resist the urge. I'll need money...and I'll probably have to wait until the kids are both in public school full-time so that I wouldn't have to worry so much about day care. That means four more years of living here. Four more years to save up. Then I might just pick up and go. And my kiddos are going with me.

It would be hard to leave my parents though. I don't know why. A part of me is drawn to them when I feel like leaving my husband. I want to run home. Even though that "home" isn't safe either.

I need to find my own place in this world. I think it's out there somewhere. This isn't it.

Four years. Maybe by then my family's business will be ready to retire and I won't have to worry about leaving my work. Maybe by then I could establish myself in the freelance field...somehow.

All I know is that this isn't where I am meant to be. And I want out. Somehow.

I haven't been pulling my hair at all. I did pull about seven eyelashes in the past three days. I want to stop that again. My eyelashes were really looking full and beautiful. They look okay now but I want every single lash grown in where it belongs.

My hair is going through some kind of awkward phase right now. It looks funny in the back. The part where I pull from the top/back was pretty bad and the hair growing in is only 2-3" long and it wants to stick straight out. Funny looking.

I'm 3+ months nearly pull free. I'm going for a year this time. And I don't think anything is going to stop me. I'm ready to finally be what I deserve.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on October 29, 2006 7:29 PM


hi cody,
i've been reading your blog for a little while now and thought i'd just say i'm proud of you for being pull free for so long.

i did want to say, though, that it's pretty clear to me that you NEED to get out of that relationship. i don't know all the details of your situation -- but you must have a better option than staying with him. four years is a LONG time to be miserable, if you don't have to be.

All content published on HealthDiaries.com is provided for informational and educational purposes only. HealthDiaries.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. The site and its services are not a substitute for professional medical advice and treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor before making any changes to your diet, health routine or treatment.

Copyright © 2004-2006 HealthDiaries.com. All rights reserved.