Coming through a rough time...and still pull free...technically

I'm still pull-free even after a rough couple of weeks. There is something I've been doing with my hair though that I really need to stop. I run my fingers through it trying to grab the loose hairs. I think doing this is damaging the ends more and drying out my hair. So, I really want to stop. I did pull one hair each day for about three days last week. But I stopped at one hair and didn't try to over-analyze it. Still pull free. But I really need a hair cut and style and I haven't had time to do it. Sammie and Jamie have both had trouble sleeping the past eight days or so. Jamie is teething up a storm and Sammie has a terrible cold that just won't quit. I've woken up once or twice this week saying to myself "I don't want to be a mom anymore...I don't want to be a mom today, at least." :-) But I keep muddling through. My kiddos are so darn cute anyways.

I did pull a few eyelashes last week and now my eyelashes are not as full and pretty as they were. But still, no bare patches. I want to be pull-free on the eyelashes too though. No more excuses.

I'm doing okay on the weight-loss front. My last weigh-in I was down to 243.4, which is lower than my pre-pregnancy weight of 244.4. So I think I finally crossed a threshhold in my weight loss. I'm officially down 53.6 pounds from my last pregnancy weigh-in. I think I had gotten to a point when I reached 50 pounds down where I felt comfortable. I had lost enough weight to where I felt so much better than I had. Now I've stopped being comfortable there and I'm ready to move on again. This time I'm determined to keep going until I reach 199. I haven't weighed that since the month before I got pregnant with Sammie. THAT would be a milestone.

I think I've reached a point in my life where if something I'm doing is hurting only me, then I don't want to do it anymore. Biting my nails, pulling my hair, overeating. Who do these things hurt? ME. And I'm so done with that. My fingernails are even clicking the keyboard keys right now, because I've grown them for a whole week. Change is in the air.

Things have not changed with DH. They never will. I'm grateful that we never yell at each other, in front of the kids or otherwise, but there is so much beneath the surface of what we say to each other. We may not "fight", but we definitely don't like each other. I just pray the kids will forgive me someday...and that I can forgive myself. I feel pretty sure that within four years I will either move out or my DH will be gone (passed away). His health is terrible and getting worse. He doesn't take care of himself. Not much has changed in my mind since the night of my last entry. I still know in my heart that this is not where I'm meant to be.

One of my olders horse's health is failing. I've had Prince since I was 16. Almost 14 years we've been together. He is getting thinner and thinner, no matter what I feed to him. His legs are tired. He's weak, and he's getting tired too. Tired of the aches and pains. There are times when I feel like I can make the decision to put him down, but sometimes at night I just beg that God will take him quietly in his sleep, so that I won't have to watch him go down. I've assisted putting horses to sleep before. I've walked them from their stalls out to the open field. Their last walk. I just don't think I can do that with Prince. But the idea of NOT being there for his last walk is even more painful. I just pray that God will help me be strong, and help me to not give in to the sadness on the day that I lose Prince. I just can't put into words how I feel about that horse.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on November 7, 2006 11:11 AM