November 23, 2006

Four months and still pull free...and the loss of my friend

I am still pull free and feeling good. My hair is looking funky though. The parts underneath are so fluffy and are a totally different length than the parts on top. I'm not sure if I should cut my hair or let it grow. Ah well, I don't have any time for cutting my hair anyways. I might just wait until it looks normal enough to go to the hair dresser and have THEM deal with it.

I lost a very dear friend last week. My horse, Prince, passed away. I knew that he was going to leave me. He had become a ghost of himself that week...and I had decided that I would have him put down the next day. I just couldn't let him live that way anymore and even though he didn't seem to be suffering, he seemed lost and alone and just....very tired. Our last night together he wouldn't come in the barn...he just stood out in the pasture in the mud. He didn't nicker at me, and when I petted him, his eyes stayed blank. I realized that I couldn't remember the last time he DID nicker at me, or holler for his grain. It was time. The next morning, I went out to the pasture and Prince was lying down on his side. I knelt down beside him, petted his neck and his face, and he died. Peacefully and without struggle. It was as though his body just stopped functioning.

Prince was mine for so long...I can barely remember a time without him. If there is such a thing as a soul mate, he was mine. I had him since I was a teenager...back in the days when I had all the time in the world. Time to brush him and tie ribbons in his hair. Time to just sit on his bare back and watch the sun go down. Time to get up at 5 AM and go riding before the sunrise in the summer. I had so much time. But as the years went by, and especially the last four years, my time with him has turned to just minutes a day, and he got old. I lost him. I feel as though everything I had before I had children died with him, and I'm struggling to find my place in this world all over again. I'm trying to find my identity. If someone knew me, they knew Prince. I can't remember a "me" without "him". We had that special connection...the one that most horse lovers dream of having. When I rode Prince, it was as though we were one being. I didn't even think of ever falling off of him. There was a time when I could get him to do a flying change of lead at the canter just by changing the pressure of my seat bones. He was fantastic. And now, he's gone. He's gone ahead of me. To say that I miss him is....worse than an understatement. I feel foggy and strange. Disconnected.

As time goes by, I will establish a "new normal". A life without Prince. But I can't help feeling that my life will only be half as full, even with my wonderful son and daughter. Prince meant that much to me. There's no one who will ever take his place.

I'm muddling through for now, but I know happier days aren't far away. Sammie learned to ride her bike with training wheels and I love to take her out to ride her bike. It's so much fun. Jamie can sit up on his own and I love to watch him sit and play with his toys. For now, it's these simple moments that help me get through. I thank God for the love I have with my children.

And I thank God for sending my Prince. My life was changed forever and for the better by that beautiful bay horse with four white socks and the small star on his forehead.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on November 23, 2006 7:25 PM


I can't remember life without him either... not really. *sigh*. I miss him so much. Here at my computer I have a picture of me giving him a big old giant kiss on the mouth. Sweet old boy.
I can't imagine how hard this is on you.

I'm glad to hear that you haven't pulled, but this entry brought a tear to my eye. I'm so sorry to read about your horse, but from what you've said, it seems like he was ready. I hope you will get through this time and I wish you all the best.

P.S. If you can wait a few weeks, I'LL cut your hair for you!! I can do it, REALLY! heh heh. No, really!

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