December 10, 2006

Trouble...but I still have my hair

So much going on here.

Today I took Sammie for a bike ride and my dog for a walk. It was really nice out. Sammie loved riding her bike up and down the road. We're lucky to have such a quiet street. My dog likes to look for mice in the grass and goes nuts looking all over. I took them out by the horse pasture, which is the first time I've done that during the day time. Usually I go out at night, when things are dark and easier to deal with. But today, it was daylight. And I started missing Prince so bad that I felt all crumpled up inside. I never knew what it was like to be lonely for someone until now. I thought I did. But this is so real, and so painful. I'm so full of regret for not spending enough time with him. To say I miss him does not justify how I really feel.

Things have been really troubled between my husband and I. We have been trying to discuss things the past three days but it just doesn't seem to be working. The discussion always drifts back to the purse-throwing incident of about a year ago. He still claims it was an accident, but then tries to justify WHY he did it. I just tell him "The purse was thrown in anger, and that will never be right". I asked him "What if the purse had hit Sammie instead?" but he refuses to answer that question...probably because it scares him. I asked him why he never said he was sorry. He claims that he did. I asked him why he acted so angry at ME afterward. He claims he was only angry at himself. So why did he say mean things to me? He doesn't remember saying them. The whole incident is just so stupid and should never have happened.

I don't want to play the role of the helpless wife and mother. THAT is not me. No doubt you, as readers, are sick of hearing about my "plight". But this is not a plight. It's a decision that I made. My husband has only one instance of physical abuse (and that IS what it was)..and we've been together nine years. It hasn't happened again. My husband is a very angry person. He can justify his anger because "he is always right." But he doesn't YELL. He doesn't scream at me, call me names, or make threats. His abuse is more of the controlling kind. The slippery-sneaky kind, that always wants me to be where he thinks I should be "because he cares and he worries". Same with the kids. He pouts when he's angry. He gets angry with me, his mother, his brothers, his sisters. His own mother says that he wasn't like this before, that she doesn't know why he is so angry. But, his mother is kind of whacked, so you can't trust her opinion. :-)

My husband says that if I should choose divorce, he would get the kids. He would make sure to get the kids. But how could that be? I'm the best mother anywhere. And who would take care of the kids while he's at work 50+ hours a week? It's an idle threat, which has only been stated about six times. He claims I wouldn't be allowed to have the kids because he would tell everyone about my mom and dad, and the childhood abuse of my sister (and possibly me), and how they are swingers and sexual predators. But how does this affect my custody of the children? I wouldn't live with my parents. I'd live HERE, in this house. HE would move out. He practically lives with his mom anyways. His clothes are there. He showers there. She does his laundry. She cooks his breakfast and usually lunch if he stops during the day. Sometimes I don't even know when he comes "home" for lunch. The only thing he doesn't do there is sleep.

I am not abused on a daily basis. I am not scared for my life. We don't yell, hit, or scream. We haven't been arguing in front of the kids. I'm just tired of the subliminal messages, the pouting, the angry looks, the negative remarks.

I'm not trying to justify my staying. What I'm trying to justify is my "waiting it out". My husbands health is bad. He was supposed to go in for a colonoscopy to see if this "cyst" on his liver (which they aren't sure really what it IS because he wouldn't accept exploratory surgery) is really colon cancer. He is thirsty a lot and goes to the bathroom more than I do, especially at night. About 60% of the time his urine has blood in it. Visible blood. The lump on his side is visible. He can't lay on that side with pillows to cushion it. His face is swollen and his eyes bloodshot 75% of the time. He never has much energy, and that isn't just because he is lazy. He has heartburn constantly, is nauseaous often, and I have no idea what his bathroom habits are because he doesn't "go" here, if you know what I mean. He smokes at least a half pack a day.

I've stopped trying to get him to stop smoking. I've stopped pestering him about the doctors. I've stopped checking his fevers, checking his lump, etc.

It would be easier to be a widow than a single divorced mother of two. Sharing custody with someone who doesn't have the energy to take care of the kids properly when he has them.

So instead of "enduring my plight" and being the "helpless victim" that some of you, as readers, would like to criticize, I am waiting it out. To my advantage. Waiting to get my full dues one day. A house paid for and insurance to pay off the rest of my bills.

It won't be long. Four years or so, I'm betting. Less if his "growth" accelerates.

If he can play games, so can I. I'm good at pretending. Just like him.

Now what kind of horrible person do you all think I am? Think what you want, I'm thinking of my survival as a whole person inside my own head.

I still have all my hair. There have been days where I pulled 1-3 hairs but I stop there. I haven't been running my fingers through my hair as obsessively either.

My weight is down to 241. I want to start taking my weight more seriously, but I find that doing that while I'm nursing my son is too difficult. So for now, I'm just going to make good choices. If I lose a 1/4 pound a week, that is good, and I'll take that for now. At least I know the weight will stay off when I lose it that slowly.

There is much more that I want to say, but I'm not sure how to say it. I feel bad that my family is so worried about me. I wish I could explain to them somehow that leaving my husband would be much worse than staying and waiting it out. MUCH WORSE. My dad tries to talk about this with me, but how can he understand...he's done the same things to mom, only worse, according to my memory.

Ack, my life. I love parts of it, hate just as many others.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on December 10, 2006 11:00 PM


Hey losing a 1/4 pound a week is GREAT. You just do what you can about it especially since you are still nursing.

I hope he dies. I don't care how cruel people think I am. Because every time I think of that asswipe, I want to get a baseball bat. And then I feel like pounding my head into a wall in frustration. There are so many things that you are JUST NOT SEEING.
I dont know what else to say.
You ARE being abused emotionally and THAT is bad.
But what do I know.

You DID spend enough time with Prince. You were there with him when it REALLY counted. And he KNOWS you loved him. You were there at the MOST important moment when he needed you beside him, when he died. THAT, you were there for. Believe me when someone feel like they could die any moment, they want someone there with them more than anything. Prince had you there. You were there for him at just the right time.

I should be finishing up a paper I'm writing. I had a horrible day pulling yesterday, too. I'd never thought of it, that when , but when I read your comment about procrastinating, I think that maybe a moment when I pull too. Sometimes I try to tell myself it's a signal that I'm not doing the thing I really truly should be doing at that moment. But sometimes I think that's a crock of shit, because I really fall into the habit of pulling when I'm reading and writing, the things I'm really supposed to be doing (unless I've chosen the entirely wrong life path, that is). But when I feel like I'm applying this existential/philosophical explanation to my trich, I try to reel it in.

I've found that sometimes when I read about other people's trich--their failing and their succeeding--I do a bit better at not pulling myself, It raises my awareness. "Problems are not solved at the same level of awareness that they are created," goes the saying. so I googled it on the internet (private browsing) and it brought me here.

This is my first time ever posting. My heart goes out to you. So much of what you say resonates so much!! and yet, from the other details, it seems the outward signs of our lives are so different, but in your shoes I imagine I would probably follow a similar strategy. But one thing I got from reading your post is that you will be happy again.

Sometimes, like with this paper, I just give up on fighting the trich. Like you siad, I am just not up for the struggle. But the more I pull, the harder it is to reel it in. I've pulled for 6 years now. About 4 years ago I went a whole week and maybe more without pulling at all. But in all honesty, there are only 3 days in the past two years that I haven't pulled at all. I think for the most part I change up my places of pullng so most people don't notice anything (although, who am I trying to kid, I have a blank slash through an eyebrow right now). Maybe you do this too: I kid myself that it's ok to run my fingers through my hair, just not pull. Or, that the hairs that just come out without me pulling don't really count. It's a slippery slope. I really get pleasure from running my fingers through my hair. But it is just a tease that ends with trich winning out. I have to fight it cold turkey. I try to have a rule that I keep a hairbrush nearby and I let myself brush my hair whenever I want, but not touch it. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I reach and pull with the hairbrush sitting right next to me. I guess I need to try harder. This is our challenge, right? And it could be worse. Our challenge could be alcoholism or drug abuse, things that can end much worse?

That's my positive spin. BUt sometimes I 'm not positive at all. How is it that by so many outward signs I am having this great life--and I am blessed in so many ways, and yet, I can almost never get through a day without pulling out a hair somewhere? We all have defects adn this is mine I guess.

Anyway, I am rambling. BI have read that keeping journals of pulling is great for managing/combatting it. I think you are doing good things.
Be well!

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