January 3, 2007

Pulling and feeling like a failure

I succumbed to the stress of many things and started pulling again about ten days ago. I feel terrible about it, though I'm trying to not beat myself up. I'm trying to just stop now and become pull-free again. My desire to pull is so strong right now, that sometimes I just don't feel like fighting it. The fight has just completely gone out of me at this time. I'm not sure why.

There is a certain kind of peace and happiness that goes away as soon as my sister walks out the door. There's a peace in having her here with me. A safety net kind of feeling. When she goes, that feeling goes away, and I try to replace it with other things. I know that her living far away is the best thing for her, that she could never have been as successful or as safe if she had stayed here. But it is hard always watching her go. She's the only one who understands how it is here. How it REALLY is.

I hate that this home of mine is so riddled with stress. I feel as though I am the one who is always placating someone. The calm one. The smiling one. Where is someone to calm me down? Why do I feel it's always up to me? These are questions that might never have an answer.

The New Year has brought about some emotions that are hard to put into words. I feel as though I've come to some dead-end in this life and now I need to know which direction to go. What do I do now? I need to become pull-free again so that I can think this over clearly. When I'm pulling, my mind becomes zombie-like. I don't feel the minutes pass. I feel as though I'm thinking things over, but really moments are just playing in my mind like a movie while I pull the hair, feel the hair, pull the hair, feel the hair, in endless hypnotizing movements. When I'm not pulling, I can THINK. Pulling is also a way that I procrastinate. When I feel I don't want to tackle something, or if I feel totally "tapped out" at the end of the day (which I often do), I pull.

I don't party in the New Year, sing Auld Lang Syne, or drink champagne. It's just another day. Yet this year, I was completely overcome with sadness...an "Auld Lang Syne" kind of feeling I guess, in the loss of Prince. It's been almost seven weeks since he passed on...and I've gone past the denial phase I think. I feel an intense sorrow like I've never felt before. Sometimes I think that the sorrow doesn't represent Prince, it represents everything that is in my life now that I don't want. The discontent that I feel. But that's not really it. We truly had a relationship that was special, and now 1/2 of that relationship is gone and my heart is longing and lonely. Desperately lonely. Our relationship was unlike anything I ever had or will have again. It's gone. All that's left of it is a small stack of pictures.

One time, my sister and mom and I walked past the horse pasture to go get ice cream down the street. Prince followed me to the corner of the pasture and he couldn't go any farther. He whinnied for me. He paced as I walked away. He wanted ME. He didn't want treats, or to go for a walk, or to eat. He wanted ME to come back to him. To have that is so rare. I have had many relationships with horses and NOTHING comes close to this. Now I feel like I'M the one standing at the gate, crying for him to come back to ME. And it aches. I'm not hanging on to his death because I need something right now, I'm hanging on because it hurts. It's affected me more than anything else in my whole life.

I want to be happy again so badly. But I don't know HOW. I need to find something within myself. I love my children, and I look forward to my days with them EVERY day, but my happiness can't depend on them alone. I need something else. Something that comes from inside myself. And I can't seem to find it right now. But I will.

I don't set goals for the New Year. I don't really wonder where I'll be a year from now. But I will say this: I want to be happy a year from now. Truly happy.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on January 3, 2007 8:26 AM


I'm sorry :( I HATE walking out your door. I hate seeing that look on your face when I have to say goodbye because you look so sad and resigned and I DONT want to leave. I hate walking out the door. It tears my heart out every time because all I want to do is stay there. Only just with you and the kids. I hate leaving you 3 there. I really do.
You have a lot to offer the world and you already to just by being such a good mom and a good sister. Maybe a goal for this year would be to be able to start seeing those things in yourself.

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