January 12, 2007

Pulling like crazy

I've been pulling like crazy tonight. I didn't pull at all yesterday and I was hopeful that today would be just as easy. But, it wasn't. I caved in...again. I'm not sure what exactly is setting me off. I think it's a combination of things.

Today the doctor's office called my husband and told him that based on his CAT scan and ultrasound results, he should cancel his training classes scheduled next week in another city (a few hours away) and bump up his "scope test". (They will check out his bladder and get samples of the "spots" they see there during the "scope"). They bumped it from late February to next Thursday. My husband is pretty scared. Me- I'm just angry. I'm so freaking pissed off. He is just so stupid for not taking care of himself. And now he wants me to feel sorry for him? Fat fucking chance. I'm so pissed right now. Here are a couple of reasons why:

1. I told him that, depending on his results after Thursday, he may want to change some things about how he takes care of himself. Example A: QUIT SMOKING. His reply: "My nerves are already shot." In other words: "I can't quit smoking, I will be too uncomfortable." He won't quit drinking pop. He won't take a daily vitamin. He won't eat better. Because he doesn't want to be uncomfortable. He would rather suffer and die of (possibly) cancer than just start taking care of himself? That is so f-ing STUPID! (But you know what? There's nothing I can do about it.)

2. In some words, he expressed the idea that I will be taking care of his mom and disabled brother after he dies. How can I do this, be a singled widowed mother of two, take care of a household, and run my father's business as well? HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED TO DO THAT? I told him in plain words that I don't think I can do it. That they would have to move back with his sister. He got mad at me. (To be expected). I am so hurt that he thinks I should take all of that on.

My GOD what has become of my life. In all my imaginations and expectations, I would have never thought ten years ago that I would end up HERE. :-(

I feel sorry for him. I feel bad that he is frightened and nervous. I know that he wants me to care for him like a wife should care for her husband but I CAN'T. All those feelings in me for him are GONE. They've been destroyed. I can't turn them on again. It's just OVER. I can't give him what he needs. But I care for him as one human being for another. I can't stop that. I wish I could make him healthy, but I can't do a damn thing is he's not willing to help himself.

I'm just so ticked off.

I don't know what to do with myself tonight. I"m feeling restless
and confined and agitated. Like I'm dragging my old tin coffee cup over the bars of my prison cell. Let me out dammit.

Before Prince died, I prayed that he would die soon so that it would be over. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted his pain and mine to end. I feel so guilty for admitting this now. I feel like I never should have prayed that. It was so selfish. But now I pray that for my husband. I just want it to end. I'm tired of his suffering and of my wanting what I can't have.

I think I'm going to go do a workout for a while. I need a healthy outlet for this frustration.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on January 12, 2007 7:22 PM

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