March 13, 2007

Anxiety and pulling

I am still pulling here. I am upset because the top of my hair is losing its fullness. I looked so much better before. One would think this would be enough to stop me, but noooooooo. I have pulled at least 25 hairs today. :-(

There has been a lot going on here. On Sunday night, DH and I really "had it out" as far as a "discussion" (aka "argument") about what was going on between us. I am pretty sure he knows now that I don't love him anymore but that I wish it could change. I can't control his behavior but I can control mine. I told him of some things that I wish were different, and he argued each one. He feels he is always right. This goes to show that he will never change! I've accepted this now.

We agreed that we are going to co-exist together. I guess that's his way of admitting that he doesn't love me anymore either, but he does love the kids very much. So, that is our one thing in common. The desire to give our kids the best and stay together, even if it is just a partnership. I think that hurts us both, but it's better now that we are both on the same page. I feel like I don't have to pretend anymore. I care for him as one human being for another, but it doesn't go beyond that. I'm trying to resist the anger I still feel and put that all in the past and start new.

Last night I had a very disturbing dream. I dreamt that DH was giving Sammie a bath and Sammie was being too loud so he grabbed her arm. In her struggle, she twisted around and he head went under water. I shouted "She's drowning she's drowning!" and he thought it was a joke. I grabbed her out of the water and wrapped her in a towel. She was okay but I was SO ANGRY in my dream. I tried so hard to scream at DH but my voice was only a whisper, and he kept snickering at me and mimicking me. It was terrible. I was crying something terrible, and trying so hard to tell him off and scream, but only my breath would come out. I woke up with my heart racing.

I don't like feeling anxious so much. I'm trying to change my perspective. It's not easy though. I'm attempting to pursue some outside interests....especially with my art. I feel it's my only future right now.

I'm going to try to make the rest of the day pull free.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on March 13, 2007 1:36 PM


Your entire life is scaring me half to death. I hope you figure out the things you need to do before its too late.

Hi Cody. I agree with P - you're scaring me too. And I'm not even close to you as I know she is.... You must not give up!

I still read your blogs and find them both comforting and sad. Sad because you are so obviously suffering with "family issues", in addition to trich and the loss of Prince. It all seems so ****** unfair! I admire your positivity though in these blogs - you seem like a truly amazing person :)

Like you, I also like horses, and have been riding since I was 8 y.o. I havent been horse riding for 4 years now and miss it a lot after more than 20 years of horses & riding! Horses are a true blessing (as I gather children are too!).

I still haven't managed to stop the trichophagia but I (somehow) still manage to go the hairdressers, even though I'm sick with worry before I go and hate myself for each hair I pull/swallow.

Until next time,
Take care :)


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