March 29, 2007

Pulling too much

I've been pulling way too much lately. There is a lot of things going on here. We are refinancing our house in case I lose my job when my dad's business goes out. Things are really slow with the business and there is a ton of business debt. I would miss this stupid job though, and I'm not sure what I would do next. I've been praying about it a lot and just hoping that inspiration will come. What I really want to be is a stay at home mom...that's it. But DH doesn't make enough money for me to do that. So, I have to find another solution. I can't leave my babies. I just can't. It's not safe to leave them at home with my doesn't feel safe because my dad is always lingering around and who knows what notions he might get about Sammie or even Jamie. Even if he never did anything bad to them, I don't want them under my mom or dad's influence without me to supervise. DH doesn't want them alone with my parents either. Can't blame him, knowing what he knows about their sexual habits, etc. I could work evenings and weekends and leave DH home with the kids...but I really don't know if he could handle it. I would be worried that the kids would not get the care that they need during the times they are alone with DH. He is always so tired and un-motivated. So, anyways, I'm just praying daily for inspiration or even a solution to the problem.

DH and I had a couple big fights this month. We are having a lot of stress over where his mother and disabled brother should live. DH wants them to live with us if something happens to the place where they rent. I just don't think I could survive that! This house is too small for that many people. I would miss whatever privacy I barely have now. Luckily we are pursuing the purchase of the place that they rent. We wait everyday to hear that the loan has been approved, but each day goes by with nothing. *sigh* Praying about this too. Our fights were pretty intense and shook me pretty good. I've made a promise to myself to not stoop to that level ever, ever again. It's lonely and downright stupid on his level.

My kids are doing great. Sammie is doing really well in preschool. I worry about her making friends and everything. I don't know why I worry so much. Jamie is doing great and standing on his own and creeping along the furniture. I love my babies. I just pray that I never have to leave them home alone with someone I don't trust. (which means anyone except myself. Argh.)

My hair looks bad. I haven't pulled yet today so that is good.

I went back to the doctor for a re-check this morning and I'm down to 240 on their scale, which is a difference of six pounds in one month. I feel pretty good about that, but I have such a long way to go. I just don't know how I became so stupid about my weight. How I let it get this far. There are so many things I've said to myself in deceit about how I really look. Reality sucks and I look bad. However, I look better than I did six months ago, and that should count for something.

Well, I should stop rambling now. Take care everyone and don't give up. Make today a pull-free day for you too.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on March 29, 2007 10:54 AM

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