April 9, 2007

Looking within

I've been searching my soul lately to see what I could do to start changing myself from the inside out. Trying to figure out some reasons why I do the things that I do, such as isolate myself when things go bad.

When I was about eight years old, I came out of my bedroom on a Saturday. My dad was in the living room watching porn. There was a group of men on the TV who had a woman with no clothes on the lower part of her body. One man was touching the woman's rear, and he also had a knife in his other hand. he was running the knife up and down her butt. And she was screaming and crying. So, I guess it was not bad enough that it was porn, it had to be violent porn. Dad yelled at me to get out, or something of that nature. Not sure exactly what he said. But what he said did not surprise me. I just walked out the front door. I was outside for about four hours. I think. Maybe it wasn't that long. It was light out when I went out and became dark while I was out there. Not sure what that means in "kid" time. I created a fantasy in my head of just staying outside forever, and never going back in the house. I knew that no one inside wanted me there. I wanted someone to come out and get me, and convince me to come back in. No one came until it was really getting dark. It was mom. She told me I "could come in now". I was angry at her for not coming to get me sooner. I wasn't going to come in. I don't remember what happened after that. I just think that whether it was two hours or four hours or whatever, that it was too long for a little girl to be out in the woods and in the yard alone. But no one seemed to care.

So I still isolate myself when things get rough. I go outside of myself. I wait for someone to come and get me. But no one here comes. I come back inside and feel unwelcome still, and angry.

My pulling helps me get outside of myself and turn off. I don't want to need that anymore. I'm not eight years old anymore.

I want to do something everyday that makes ME feel better. To help ME step outside of the past and start fresh. I have to stop looking backwards so much. I need to LOOK AHEAD for once and figure out which way to go.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on April 9, 2007 11:13 AM


Man that PISSES ME OFF. Where was I, anyway? Was I home? Clueless? Dissociated? With friends? In my room? Where the HELL was I? What a freaking jerk. When I picture you out there in your long braids waiting outside all afternoon and evening, my heart completely breaks. You were so LITTLE when you were 8. I mean TALL, but you were so naive and so perfect and so ... just such a GOOD kid. You were SO good and quiet and patient and a good student and an amazing artist and you were funny (*ahem* except for the "I know you are but what am I?" phase... AGGGHH! THAT drove me INSANE, thank you very much!!!!! AGH!!! FLASHBACKS!!!) But JEEZ What a horrible thing that must have been for you.

I always just went to my room and read books and made up games and...actually... I made up invisible people to talk to *oops* and look what that lead to.

I think that you SHOULD do something every day that makes you feel better. EVERY day. You need it, you deserve it. ANYTHING that you like, even if its 5 minutes of reading your Bible or putting nail polish on or SOMETHING. You could work on something for 5 minutes, right? It would be a start.... and that would be something. You deserve a REALLY good life.

Please, please, please..try putting on fake nails. I have been struggling with trich for over a decade. Nothing has helped and believe me I have tried everything short of shock therapy.

I love to feel my regrowth and pull it out. With fake nails it's turned my habit completely around. When you try to pull the sensation is akin to nails on a chalkboard. It makes me cringe and feel sick thinking about it because it's just so..eeghh. As trichsters we want everything to be perfect but the sensation of fake nail rubbing against fake nail is far from perfect, it's awkward, clumsy, and flat out doesn't work. There is no way you can grab until a tiny little hair since you just don't have that sort of pinpoint grip anymore.

It's funny, I had a little war with myself because today, my regrowth was kicking in so as usual I felt it and without a thought tried to pull it out like I usually do. Then I had that horrible sensation I never did before. I was fighting inside my brain. My Trich monster was defeated. It said: "Uggh! Why does this have to be here!I just want to pull it out!" And my Reason said: "Haha, you're fooled now. You can't do it. You want to, but it's impossible. Finally, I have outsmarted you." My two sides were going at it..usually Reason loses out to the pleasure of Trich, but not this time.

It feels so good..in a new way..as if my doors are open to a pull free existence and my hair can come back the way it should be..

I wish I would've discovered fake nails sooner...

Please try it out... it's bene a blessing for me... my Trich monster can control me no more!!

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