April 6, 2007

Loss of pull-free status...again

Well, I lost it on Friday night and I've been pulling pretty strong since then. I want to stop so bad. I'm afraid to look in the mirror again. Some parts behind my ears are bald again. :-( I feel stupid and like a failure. The best I can do is stop right now and try again. If I can get through the rest of this night without pulling, I think I can do better tomorrow too.

Today was a bad day in some ways. My DH and I were arguing most of the day. He was in a very abrasive mood.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Or going crazy. Or becoming bi-polar maybe. I really am scared sometimes that I'm going to lose my grip. Or I feel worried that maybe all of this struggle with my DH is really all my fault. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I expect perfection. Maybe the age gap between us will only continue to grow as time goes on.

When I broke up with my last boyfriend before meeting DH, I told God that I wanted to meet someone whose eyes sparkled when they talked about me. I wanted to be that special to someone. When I met DH, I had that. I had it for some time. But now it's completely gone. And maybe that's normal. Maybe that's what happens sometimes. But when we were arguing tonight, he turned away from me and I grabbed the sleeve of his shirt to stop him. He whole body became rigid and he turned and looked at me...and I don't think I've ever seen anybody look at me so horribly. I can still see it. The rage. Far from the sparkle that used to be there.

Maybe it is my fault. But even if it is/was, I don't know how to fix it! I don't know how to make things better. Every night I go to sleep thinking of how to be a better mother, wife, daughter, friend. I am never enough. And that's no one's fault but mine. I don't think that it's because I expect too much of myself. I think it's because I fall short far too many times to count. I feel like a failure tonight.

I was laying with Sammie and Jamie in bed, with both of them sleeping, and I was clutching my cell phone in my hand. I wanted so bad to call my sister or my friend L. I needed to let things go so badly. I wanted to share my pain with someone to ease it. I dailed the phone, hung up. Dialed, hung up. I couldn't do it. I couldn't let them hear me that way. I'm not strong enough I guess.

I think that I can make tomorrow better, but for tonight, I think I will just sit here and feel sorry for myself. After all, I'm the person who created all of this. This is my mess. No one can fix it but me. I still think about running away sometimes, or about DH dying. I'm not sure which would be more difficult. But imagining a way out is not enough anymore.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on April 6, 2007 6:55 PM


Oh my GOD I want to just knock some sense into you.
How many people have to tell you that before you get it?
Do you think that stuff with my ex asswipe was my fault? Because this is the EXACT same thing. He did the same things to me as your asshole is doing to you. Same reactions, same words, same treatment. This is the SAME situation. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. AGH. CALL ME!

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