April 1, 2007

Two days pull free

Well I've made it nearly two days pull free. Friday night was really awful for pulling. I pulled until I felt sleepy and then kept pulling after that when what I really wanted to do was fall asleep. :-( That's really bad.

Today I almost pulled once when I was making out bills but I stopped myself in time. Just an example of how stress can cause me to pull even before I realize I am tugging on my hair. (And not much stresses me out more than bills do).

If I was brave I would post pictures of my bad spots. But I'm not that brave. Maybe later this week when the bald patches grown in a little. After that I may post a picture every week so that everyone can see how the hair grows back in. If I can stay pull free. I really really want to.

I've been doing good with my Weight Watchers too. Lately it's like a switch has gone off in my brain and I don't want to feel full anymore. Sometimes I even forget to eat or forget what I ate last or realize it's 11:30 AM and I haven't eaten yet that day, etc. Too busy with kiddos I guess. Doesn't hurt me any! This morning the scale said 236.2 which is the lowest it's been since February 2005. That's good and all, but I still have SUCH a long way to go. That's a hard realization to make. I look so much better than I did seven months ago but I still look so BAD. Sobering.

The other day I went to my DH's office and he had a picture of Sammie riding Prince. I'd never seen the picture before. It was one that he took. It was like my heart stopped. Seeing the picture made me realize how badly I want to touch Prince just one more time. Just one more time. Today when we were walking past the field I realized that the path he walked to the front field from his paddock is starting to grow over with spring grass. I've closed off his paddock from the other horses. By the end of spring the path will be completely grown over. Like he was never even there. And with that thought, I felt his prescence so strongly I could feel him looking at me from the pasture with his big, gentle eyes. I want to touch him one more time. I wish I would have stayed with him one more minute the night before he died. Just to pet him and hug him and breathe in his scent. To let him know he wasn't alone. But I left him standing there by the pond, his head hanging low in the bushes. I left him.

I guess there are just some things that will never have closure. And that's one of them.

Prince wouldn't want me to live this way, overweight and pulling my hair out. He would want me to go on with my life. And maybe even start riding again. I think I might. Step by step, I'll move on.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on April 1, 2007 7:34 PM

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