June 5, 2007

Long time, no post, still pulling

It's been a long time since I posted. I've gone back to college online and I've been so busy with that, I've hardly had time to sleep. Some people, including myself in the past, think that going to school online would be easy and simple, similar to doign a correspondence course. NOT SO!!!! It is HARD. But it is so worth it. I have learned so much!

I am still pulling my hair. I just haven't been ready to stop. This time of year is usually when I'm able to start a new pull free status again. Will it start today? Hard telling. So far today I'm pull free. My hair is looking really bad. Very thin on the sides and very thin on the top. The sides are bald in spots. At night when I am doing my coursework, I use my left hand to just pull and pull. I hope that I can become pull free again. I don't think I would have lost my pull free status after Christmas if I hadn't been so stressed out over the holiday. DH and I were fighting constantly then and the idea of divorce was always on the forefront of my thoughts. I honestly don't know what has kept us together, other than my resignation to "this is how things are".

DH's health is still bad. He hasn't been to the doctor lately. We haven't been fighting as much though since I started going back to school. I think maybe he has begun to realize that he won't be able to keep me in this small world that he has created for me. Someday I'm going to break free completely, but for now I've at least been able to separate myself emotionally from him. Nothing he does anymore makes me cry or get upset. I just...plain don't care.

I am still overweight. This morning I weighed myself at 245.2. :-( Going backwards is never any fun. My lowest weight has been 236.2. I tried going back to Weight Watchers meetings but it is so hard having to take the kids with me. I gave up, once again. I restarted yesterday using WW OnLine which is a little bit easier.

The trend I don't want to repeat is this: When Sammie was 12 months old, I reached my lowest after pregnancy weight of 206. When she was 13 months I started gaining and fast. By the time she was two I weighed 238. So, 32 pounds in about ten months is what I gained. I'm not sure why this happened as I can't really remember what I was going through at the time. I do remember that in March of that year, my sister confided in me about her DID. Then about a month later, I dropped Sammie off at my mom's to be babysat and there was a strange man there. In October of that year, my dad had an accident at work and ended up with broken bones. This is also the year that my DH and I really started fighting. So...I guess it wasn't all that hard to remember after all. I really did go through some stuff that year, and I handled it by stuffing my face.

At any rate, when Jamie turned 12 months, I reached my lowest weight of 236.2. I've been steadily gaining since. If I gain 32 pounds this year, I will reach 270 pounds by next March. NOT COOL. I have to stop this AND NOW.

My kids are really starting to grow up. Jamie is learning to walk and Sammie found out today that she has a loose tooth. With all the difficulties of this past year, I realized today that it's really happening: My babies are growing up. It really does happen, after all.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on June 5, 2007 12:24 PM


Sounds like you have SO much stress going on in your life! I really encourage you to see a counselor to help you figure out healthy ways to deal with all this, because the pulling itself is only adding to your stress. Best of luck!

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