August 25, 2007

IN 14 minutes I'll be pull-free for four days

It's amazing what four days can do for my hair. Alreay my "pulled" spots feel softer and the hair seems to be growing faster. I don't have itchy spots. My urges become less. During the day today I have only touched my hair three times. That's important...because touching leads to pulling 95% of the time. Cut down on touching=cutting down on pulling.

There are some other interesting things happening in my life lately. For one, my parents have decided to sell their house. They've lived in this house the longest they've ever lived anywhere. And although I haven't lived there for about eight years, the selling of their house has put me through a little loop emotionally. I go to the house now and it's empty. Empty rooms physically, but emotionally those rooms are full of memories. Like my sister and I hanging a body-less snowman head on our Christmas trees...I would hide the ornament on her tree, then she would switch it back while I wasn't looking. (Somewhere, that poor little snowman still exists...). My sister and I teaching the little boy she was babysitting (age 2 or 3) how to throw baby dolls down the stairs. :-) Me hanging my sister's favorite stuffed animal from her ceiling fan while she was gone. My sister and I throwing marshmallows and granola bars into the dining room ceiling fan. These are happy memories. Then I can still see myself in the memory of standing by my bedroom window, watching my best friend hit on the guy I had a crush on (and she knew I did!) and sit in his car for two hours KNOWING I could see them the whole time. This broke my heart. My footprints are on the wall from where I would always sit and chat on the phone with my feet up. I can still see where my bed sat. There are still some glow-in-the-dark planet stickers on the ceiling there. Most of all, there is a painting on the wall of Prince. All these will have no place to go to come alive again. I can still see myself walking down the stairs in my prom dress and eventually my wedding dress. I can see myself wandering the house aimlessly the day my sister moved away, then laying in my parents bed staring at the ceiling. I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to for the first time ever. I was alone. I can still feel the empty pounding of my heart. (I eventually went to stay at my boyfriend's house for four days until my parents came home).

But, this is how it happens, and that's how it goes. This is how one house leaves the family and goes to another, and no one in the new family knows a darn thing about the memories that happened in that house. And maybe they wouldn't even care. BUt, I do. When I go into an old, empty house, I wonder about the people that lived there. How many Christmases did they have there? Birthdays? Weddings? Babies born? And there is no one there to tell the stories, and no way of ever knowing. Now my parents' house will join the ranks of houses such as this. And that's how it happens. And that's how it goes.

I didn't realize how much this was hitting me until the other night when I came home and I just started crying for no reason, or so I thought. But then I realized where the hurt was coming from. And I dealt with it.

This is the time of year where I tend to turn a little bit sad anyways. The fall season is creeping in. The queen anne's lace is fading and the goldenrod is starting to bloom. I can't believe sometimes how quickly one season turns to another. My children are growing up. I hug my daughter and I can't believe she used to be my baby. HOw did that happen? Where has the time gone. It makes me feel sorry for wishing the days away. Now we are only one year from SAmmie starting kindergarten, and although it will be a relief for me, it will also be the end of an era of our lives together. That will be it. She'll never be home with my all the time ever again. Oh sure, we'll have our summers and vacations. But that'll be it. And for what it's worth, I want to make this next year the best I can. I want to tell myself that we enjoyed it to the max. Baking cookies, going for walks, watching movies all day. I want to enjoy every minute. No regrets, and moving on after that.

Sometimes I feel like sadness is going to take over me. I feel so darn lonely sometimes, especially in the fall. But, I can't seem to put my finger on WHY I'm lonely. Who am I missing? When I had Prince, I still felt lonely in the fall. Maybe it's just a connection that I'm missing with everyone in my life. The fact that I keep to myself so much. I think my heart is lonely. I've put too many walls around it.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on August 25, 2007 8:48 PM


People are going to read this and think we are a LITTLE odd... "Throwing WHAT at the fan?" "A body-less WHAT?"
And, you forgot to add "green milk and wet beds" into the Happy Memories. LOL.
I totally know what you mean by the way. I have been thinking about the house a LOT too this weekend, especially. Them selling it is really bothering me, more than I thought it was, especially since they started moving their things out.
I wish I could have at least walked through it and said goodbye.
By the way, you can still see where your bed was probably because it has dirty foot prints on the wall from propping your feet up ;)
It bothers me also that we always planned to live there when we got old, and have lots of cats, because they were going to leave the house to us. NOW where are we going to live with all our cats? Their new house better be something you and I (and our future cats) are going to like.
If nothing else... we still have the memories of flying baby dolls...
(geesh, poor B... I hope he doesn't end up in therapy with flashbacks of "my babysitters threw babies down the stairs! No! I know they were real babies!") Who would ever be able to explain that we were teaching baby dolls to fly and they were "having fun"? Ha ha.

I'm a mom of a 7 year old with trich...thanks for your posts, they are the best insight I have found so far into how this might feel for her...she is too young to articulate it. Sometimes it gets hard to be as compassionate and supportive as I would like to have helped me with that today! Take care...

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