August 23, 2007

Really trying hard not to pull in a hectic, crazy world

AS of right now I am only two days pull-free. But, considering how much I've been pulling for at least five weeks now, these two days are a MIRACLE! I'm not quite sure what changed; I think it was a photo of me from March of 2005. I had HAIR. I mean, lots and LOTS of hair. We were at the zoo, and I was posing in pictures with Sammie. I had SO MUCH HAIR. I'd been pull-free for nine months. My hair looked as though it had never had a problem. I want that again! Each time I've lost my pull-free status, I remember the exact moment that I started pulling again, even though I can't remember why. Last December I started pulling again (after five months pull-free) because of the stress at Christmas time. DH and I were fighting endlessly, I hardly got to spend any time with my extended family, etc. etc. DH was really trying to control things then. I'm not sure yet what his issues were. I think he still has a lot of his issues, but I've just reached the point where I am so pissed off at him that I A. Ignore him. B. Yell at him. Option B takes more energy, and sometimes I feel like a barking dog at the end of her chain, but at least it relieves some stress. :-)

I still have not lost any reasonable amount of weight. My lowest weight still has been 236.4. Not good! I think I am still stuck in some kind of comfort zone. I've been at this weight since about August of 2004, so it's no wonder. I went to Old Navy and tried on some jeans in different styles. Most of the size 18's were too big, but the size 16's were too squeezy on my loose stomach, causing the lovely "butt in the front" look. My stomach is very flabby and loose after two babies, especially Jamie, who sat very low in my tummy. My hope is that I will find time to start working out again after I finish my on-line degree in the spring. Right now my nights are spent on my laptop getting my degree in design. I hope it's worth it! However, I know that if I was REALLY trying, I would MAKE time for exercise.

A lot of times I feel like I am just surviving life. I don't like that feeling. I feel spaced-out and disconnected. There is so much I just don't want to deal with right now. The main thing is my marriage. The other things include my in-laws, having no one "safe enough" to watch my children so that I can get some free time, and my finances. I spend too much money when I space out. Right now, we are on a strict budget.

Well, this post seems to be pretty fragmented, so I think I will hang it up for tonight and try again tomorrow.

Posted by Cody on August 23, 2007 9:38 PM


Hi Cody, I just stumbled across your diary and found this old entry, which describes me perfectly:

"I started searching through my hair for split ends when I was 11 or 12. I would sit for hours, just searching through my hair and picking off the split or broken ends. I remember when I found a hair that was split about 12 times. I remember how exciting that was for some reason"

Yes! Finding hair split a bunch of times is so exciting to me! And it relaxes me too. I don't pull it out by the root but I constantly break off the split ends. Anyway, I am just glad to hear someone describe the exact thing I have.

Wow. So I just stumbled across your blog - and you completely blow me away. I thought I was hard on myself, but no longer -- I feel like you really need a cheerleader in your life, someone to let you know (all the time) that you're a good person, that you don't have to fix everything, and that beating yourself up for not losing weight/not quitting hair pulling only makes you feel more ashamed and stressed out.
I've also pulled my hair and had weight struggles, but you know what? The people who matter love you. No matter what.
I know you've probably gotten tons of advice, so I'll try to keep it short. But here are a couple of tricks that REALLY helped me FEEL BETTER - because I think that maybe you're focusing too much on the symptom (hair pulling/weight management) rather than the cause (an obviously stressful life with a less-than-helpful husband).
1. Keep a journal -- every day. It may seem time consuming, but instead of 15 mins of watching tv, using the computer, etc., just try writing down everything you're feeling in a stream-of-consciousness type manner. But -- here's the kicker -- then throw it away. Don't let yourself judge your own reactions/emotions, just let them exist. Even if it doesn't fix your hair pulling, you'll FEEL so much better.
2. Don't feel bad about pulling. I know this sounds really weird, but every time you pull, just think 'it's okay. the only reason i feel bad about my emotional coping mechanism is because i live in a society that tells me i should feel bad for not having hair/ being an emotionally and psychologically unhealthy anorexic model. I'm dealing with my feelings the best I know how.'

I also saw that other people had mentioned Abby Leora Rohrer's book -- and I highly recommend it. That's where these tips are from, and it has helped me more than i could say with my pulling and, more than that, my self-image. If you have questions or ever need to talk about anything, please please PLEASE e-mail me. And know that you're not alone!!!

I am so glad I came across your blog. I have read some of your other entries, and it makes me feel less alone. Thank you! :)

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