February 12, 2008

Long time since I wrote in here

It's been a while since I've left a journal entry. I'm not sure why. I guess I just get the feeling that I am "regurgitating" the same thing over and over again (I HATE that word yet my professor used it to describe one of my papers this week.).

I am still pulling my hair out. I pull maybe 5-35 hairs a day, depending on the day. It doesn't seem to have any rhythm or rhyme to it. I want to stop, truly I do. I just don't have the energy to put into it right now. Today I pulled a lot of eyelashes. I haven't pulled so many in a long time, and I feel a little guilty about it. But at least I was able to stop.

Today I went and saw a new counselor who can hopefully help me with these family and marriage issues I am having. He seemed really nice. Too bad I was so nervous that I can't even remember his name. My DH went with me, since we are supposed to be working on our marriage. No surprise that he dominated the session. Thankfully the therapist saw through that and suggested that next time we do a split session starting with me. I think he wants to know more about ME since I am the one who signed up.

Yesterday DH threatened that if I called to make an appointment at the therapist, he would call an attorney right after. I didn't let it stop me. I was on the edge of crazy anyways, may as well go all the way. I've been pushing him to the edge of his threats lately, to see if he will follow through. He doesn't. His bark is way worse than his bite. But, I suppose that doesn't stop it from hurting.

After this point, I wanted to go to Weight Watchers. He wasn't going to let me take the kids with me. He felt I was a flight risk. ARGh. I left anyways. He called me four times while I was gone.

At Weight Watchers, I weighed in at 254.6. I've gained weight. I've gained ten pounds back. I think that I knew I had gained some weight, but not that much. Now I need to find a way to pay for the meetings. I'm going to call our insurance to see if it will pay some. I would think that it would. We'll see. Anything would help! I wish I could ask for sponsors. I know that this time I'm going to stick with it. I can't keep going like this. It's wrecking my self-esteem and I really need good self-esteem right now. I saw an old friend of mine at the meeting which helped.

I feel numb from worry and sadness sometimes. Other times, I'm happy. It's an even mix, considering all that is going on. I think I'm just tired of living under poor self esteem, threats, and poor self care. Sometimes I worry that all of this could kill me mentally or physically. I need some freedom from this...and I think I'm working my way in that direction.

Well, more later. I'm going through a numb spell when nothing seems to surface.

Posted by Cody on February 12, 2008 12:01 PM


I"m going to regurgitate YOU if you let that comment get to you anymore. REMEMBER, your prof's opinion isn't the be all and end all of everything. AND-- he liked your picture and let you use it and had good things to say! Remember THAT!
I'm really glad that you are standing up to Mr. Idiot's threats. He's being a bully. Bully's are full of hot air.
Keep sticking to your guns. You are doing so much more than you realize. I'm really proud of you.

"I am still pulling my hair out. I pull maybe 5-35 hairs a day, depending on the day. It doesn't seem to have any rhythm or rhyme to it. I want to stop, truly I do. I just don't have the energy to put into it right now."

I totally could have written that same thing. I think I pull a lot more than 35 though. It really is maddening. It sounds like you are under a huge amount of stress and that alone would be enough to make your pulling really bad. I can't imagine if my husband treated me that way, how much I would pull!! I hope that you are able to get things figured out so that you can start taking care of yourself again.

well I too have had trich since the age of twelve, it used to be so bad, I used to try to cover my bald spots with a mascara wand, I am a burnette, so it somewhat worked. kids would sometimes call me baldy, it was so embarring! I now am 24,and still have but not a bad, just always trying to keep myself busy that's all you can do! I believe it never fully goes away, I've tried everything ! just have hope, try instead of pulling scratch where you want to pull!

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