April 2, 2008

Still pulling my hair but not as much

I try to always put something about hair pulling in my title so that it will show up on searches for people who are looking for help with their trich. So, sorry about all the common titles!

I am still pulling but not as much. Usually in the spring time I'm able to go through a pull-free spell. As the weather warms up, I feel much more relaxed and ready to try again. It's been a long time since I was pull free. Maybe I'll try tomorrow. Last night I pulled about 11 hairs from the top while I was in bed getting Jamie to sleep.

Things seem to be always rolling along here. Just when I think we are at the brink of some disaster (financial, marriage, sickness, etc.), something comes along to save me. I know it must be God watching out for me. My kiddos are doing so well. Sammie is fun to be with, even with all her demands and energy. At five years old, she has an interesting view point on the world that I always want to know more about. But with Jamie about :-), who will be two in a few weeks, I don't always get to spend the time that I would like to with Jamie. And she goes to kindergarten in five months. I worry about that. I worry about what she will eat for lunch...will I pack or get her a hot lunch? Will she like her classmates? Will her teacher give her the attention that she wants but is afraid sometimes to ask for? How will she deal with being away from home for 6+ hours every day? It will be a new part of our lives...an establishment of a "new normal". And I"m really going to miss her. Not just the five year old her, but the baby and toddler that she was that I will never, never, be able to have back again. And I think that is what hurts the most. As for Jamie, my cuddly little boy, I'll still have him at home. It's funny though, in the beginning I wondered how I would be able to do it with two kiddos. Now I wonder how I will function with only one. Life is strange. :-)

My job is on the rocks because of the economy. In some ways, I'm ready to quit and move on with becoming a home daycare provider. But in other ways, I"m not ready to give up the freedom that I've enjoyed for the past (almost) ten years. However, I think a change is in the air. I"m not sure what, but I know I'll be ready when it comes. It would be better for me to not work for my father anymore. I need that separation from mother and father, and I need to show them that I can exist without their support.

My glimmer of hope, as far as work and finances goes, is that I can graduate as early as Fall 2011 with my current schedule. Sounds like a long way off, but really that is only 3.5 years. Jamie will be going to kindergarten then, but I still hope to get a Graphic Design position to work from home, whether full time or free lancing. I hope these types of jobs become more common during the next three years. I really believe that they will! I don't feel, at this time, that I want to pursue a career outside of my home. Because if my kids needed to be home from school, I can't have my mom watching them with my father lurking about (as he will still be self-employed). So who could I trust to watch them? Again, no one. So I will HAVE to find a way to be home. I mean, I could probably trust a sitter at that time, but I've never had to do that before, and I don't know how available someone would be or how much it would cost. :-)

My health is a problem right now. We went on vacation which involved a lot of driving and then walking in theme parks. I think that my body has some kind of crisis because I started retaining so much water. I had headaches and backaches and leg aches and foot aches. My plantar fasciitis is killing. I also noticed after vacation that each of my toenails has a teensy bruise on the bottom of the nail. I think my blood pressure went wonky. Scary. I also weighed myself and I weigh 265.2, which is a gain of almost 24 pounds this year. The cycle repeats itself....the same way it did when Sammie was about to be two years old. And I have failed to stop it. I'm not sure what to do. I find it difficult to find time to exercise with the two kiddos home. At night I have coursework to do most of the time, and sometimes am too exhausted to do that. But something much change. If it doesn't I'll die. Some days I am so exhausted and full of physical pain that I feel like I'm already dying. I know that it is mostly due to my weight, but I can't seem to make the internal image of me match the external image. Inside my brain I feel healthy and strong, but reality doesn't match that.

I have to keep trying. I'm doing Weight Watchers online, but seem to have failed at that already...I am 1.5 points over my allowance for the week and the week started on Monday. What keeps me eating? What need am I filling? "If hunger is not the question, then food is not the answer". But for me, food is often the answer.

I promise to keep trying. If anyone still reads this journal, I promise it to you. I won't give up.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on April 2, 2008 1:55 AM


I check your column at least three times a week, and always find some piece of hope that I can quit pulling also...I applaud your willingness to share your life with people that you don't even know. Thank you.

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