April 22, 2005

How many times can this happen

I am feeling so stiff and achy today and I am afraid to tell anyone for fear they will decide I am not capable of being here. I lied to my doctor for the first time and told her I was fine. I do not recommend anyone doing this, I do not know why I did it. I think I am getting to a point with the lupus and fibro that I simply want so badly to be normal again and I think through sheer force of will I can make it happen but I know that is not true.

I just wish I knew how to get past the anger and truly get to the acceptance. I do not want to be this person, I do not like this person and I can not handle living like this. There has to be a better way. My whole body aches to the point that no pain meds will touch it. Life is not supposed to be this way-dammit, I am only 36, I am supposed to have my whole life in front of me! If I sound bitter it is because right now I am.

I listen to my friends talk about their "problems" and I get jealous, I wish my problems were so simple. Gee how do I plant my rosebush? I hope to get done with my gardening to go shopping!!! I just hope to be able to get out of bed after working all week!! It is not their fault and I know that, I just do not know what to do with the anger that has been buidling up..........

Posted by Lisa on April 22, 2005 9:34 AM