September 30, 2004
Day 3 to Change
Weight: No change
Food eaten: Nothing so far, no desire today. Itís 8pm
Exodus: Downstairs with dog twice
Exercise: Squats and crunches
Hygiene: sponge bath too cold to get under water
Writing: Further diagrammed my screenplay -ready to write the rest systematically
Chores: Unloaded/loaded dishes. Cleaned kitchen. Prepared roast for oven, letting it cook in clay roaster really slow so I donít have to deal with it. Started rearranging bookshelf and books
Great indoors lyrics by john Mayer
Check your pulse it's proof
that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days
Scared of a world outside
you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors
The great indoors
Lamplight makes the shadows play
And posters take the walls away
The T.V. is your window pane
The view won't let you down
So put your faith in a late night show
I bet you didn't even know
Depends on how far out you go
The channel numbers change
Scared of a world outside
you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors
Though lately I can't blame you
I have seen the world
And sometimes wish your room
Had room for two
So go unlock the door
And find what you are here for
Leave the great indoors
Please leave the great indoors
Check your pulse it's
proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days of idle days
When I listen to John Mayer I wonder sometimes if heís been in my head or watching like a fly on the wall in my escape from the world. My TV went bonkers and I drove everyone nutz while I tried to get it fixed. Futility on that front so I whined even harder and my sweetie broke down and bought me a television because he couldnít take it anymore. I told my therapist that I felt completely alone without the television especially since I rarely saw people. The sad part is my TV watching is quite suspect! I have no idea whatís on ďprime timeĒ television. I never watched ďFriendsĒ I hear about awards telecasts the next day or if itís listed on the computer start page. I can sit days without watching it and could care less. Itís kind of like the movie Baby Boom when Diane Keaton is explaining to a veterinarian (unbeknownst to her) that she misses sex even though it wasnít very good itís just awful when you have no prospects of it! Well thatís the gist of what she said anyways. I felt just as illogically depressed about having no possibility of a connection to the world.
Most of what I pay for in life is for the potential of something. Like Sunday brunches, I donít want to stuff myself into abdominal pain I just like to try a few things and then thatís that. Usually a couple hours later Iím starving. My friends (the few left) they want to get their moneyís worth. My moneyís worth was having a choice. Thatís what my money buys when I pay for cable and a digital recorder.
The Choice. One of a handful of words that impact me greatly. I have food here that I may never eat but knowing itís here makes me crave it less. Other people tend to eat whatís around. I eat when Iím trying to embrace myself. When Iím hurt by the thoughts of the pastÖ i.e.:
A mother who treated me like I was nothing (even tried to abort me by taking chemicals)
Being sexually abused by the time I was 4 years old by a Mentally disabled distant cousin then 3-4 years later by my own brother. (I had blocked the first incident out by the time my brother started in on me)
The gaining of weight and being called ďfatsoĒ as a child (Oh but lovingly by my familyÖ right I so loved it!)
Feeling like a tainted unclean freak every time I met anyone my age, just sure they knew my brother and cousin had touched me in disgusting frightening ways.
Mean people and a job where youíre threatened constantly for the 8-15 hours you work every day and disciplined for any call by anyone to the bus company saying they didnít think you smiled or because the heater on the bus didnít work.
Yeah, it took my getting beaten up a couple times and a therapist, Psychologist, and Psychiatrist for me to realize how much my emotional status affected my eating. I began to notice after those appointments Iíd want to stop somewhere, anywhere and get something fattening, greasy and creepy and then Iíd be sick almost from the moment it hit my lips! I still donít know if I got sick from the food or my ailing brain cuing me from the whole trauma of it all! Either way emotional sharing or ďrealizingĒ or expressing just tears me up inside.
I have this great faÁade when Iím in the midst of people that makes everyone feel at ease and comfortable and that Iím ďtotally togetherĒ when Iím little more than pea sized glowing ember left from my usual catastrophic spontaneous combustion generated by interactions with people and their junk. As if I didnít have enough of my own to ravage me. Iíve been told Iím some kind of ďempathĒ like the kid in the movie Little man Tate. Well isnít that grand, not that I believe it. I think itís a way to make me feel good about feeling so tragically affected by other people and their JUNK! (You must learn to set boundaries!, as my therapist says!)
I wonder about all of us little humans running around with massive junky luggage and itís no wonder we donít have the strength to be faithful, kind, loving and giving. Weíre downtrodden with the world even when we donít realize it!
Donít get me wrong, itís so very easy to do, Iíll give you that. Iím more upset that Iím having trouble playing with the rest of the world. I suspect the world has no problem playing with me though.
September 29, 2004
Day 2 to Change
Weight: No change
3 pieces Fried Fish
1-1/2 C of chowder
1 Dryer's Lemonade bar
Lost track of time yesterday and the whole day got away from me. I haven't had a shower since 2 days ago. I feel absolutely creepy and unhappy. It's so hard to keep yourself on the positive light at the end of the tunnel when you feel so low yourself.
I went to therapy yesterday and I was in tears as we talked about my self worth and how little I believe in it most of the time! I can't let another week go by without feeling like I've done something to get myself more on track. I've keep wanting to work on my goals but that gets so overwhelming as well! I can't stand what I see in the mirror and so I'm fairly certain no one else can stand to look at me. I feel like a weak scared beaten child today. I can't move my arms or legs without feeling the humongousness of my fat flesh. It's so depressing. Food doesn't hold the charming lovely escape it used to.
I'm lonely. I want to be with my sweetie but I can't stand to think about him touching me this way anymore. I want him so badly. I want to get pregnant with his child but fat holds toxins. I have enough going against me and any pregnancy I might experience. My weight, my age, my fears and insecurities. Sometimes I get so tired of being so damned fearful I don't move at all.
A friend's coming by to have dinner with me today. I'm looking forward to seeing her but I'm going to tell her I'm feeling sick. I don't want to ruin her birthday. She says she'll pick up dinner. I don't really want to eat. I don't want her to be upset. Ah hell the whole day is shot! It's almost 4pm and I've done nothing but stuff my face.
I've got to do at least one thing for myself today. My goals maybe. I'm so terrified of dreaming big because so many things have been squashed for me in the last 2 years. I've got to come up with at least one thing I can do every day. One thing that's so small but will help me to make changes nonetheless and build upon that.
Gone for now. Goals to build on.
September 27, 2004
Day 1 to Change
Weight: No change
Food eaten: pan-fried 10 scallops
Exodus: Just down to the front door
Writing: none but emails
Chores: put away groceries/cleaned toilet/fluffed couch/cooked dinner/paid 2 bills.
There was a time that I lost all care of my own personal hygiene which why I included that. I remember once I actually when 2 weeks without a bath or brushing my teeth. I refused to see anyone or go anywhere. I finally admitted that I didnít have a shower for one week, which obviously wasnít the truth. I admitted it to one of my closest friends and my sweetheart. They were really upset. They had no idea that things were and are much worse at any time in my life since the attacks. I knew that theyíd be truly horrified and it was bad enough that I knew and could barely stand to live with myself but having them know the absolute truth at how degraded Iíd become was too much for me at that time to handle.
I was the closest Iíd ever been to suicide at that time in my life. My therapist kept telling me to check in to hospital if I should feel like hurting myself. I sat for a whole week trying to figure out how I could kill myself and yet have someone find the dog without her starving to death in the apartment alone. Then Iíd break down and cry myself into unconsciousness. This was unfortunately or fortunately when Iíd finally get some sleep. The trouble was nightmares woke me up generally within the next 30- 60 minutes. It never lasted longer than an hour if I fell asleep at all. The fact I felt so worthless and insignificant just left me wanting to check out of this life. I didnít believe the world deserved me. I was a nice person and I didnít understand why I was so greatly mistreated.
Itís amazing how worthless one can feel after being used as a punching bag. Twice!
Well, bad memories. Iíll have to end for now. Iím getting too emotional.
September 26, 2004
Another shut in weekend
Well short of driving my brother home last night I didnít venture out. I didnít even take a shower! I felt creepy all day but I just didnít have it in me to get in the shower. I didnít eat much today though. I did splurge on ice cream though. Itís been a few months since Iíve wanted it. Iíve been trying to get more water down. I want it ice cold.
I really feel uncomfortable when I"m home for several days straight because I don't want to go out anymore and I'm terrified of becoming full fledged agoraphobic, but I'm a step from it everyday. If I didn't have my dog urging me to go outside I'd never get outside. The bad or good thing is she can go out to the field all by herself do her business. I've got to get my head straightened out about what I can do, what I want to do and what I will do despite my fears!
Anyways tomorrowís Monday morning. Tomorrow Iíll get more of my posting format down. Iíll start each post with my weight change or no change and the eating Iíve done or not done. Iíll list my abilities to get outside or not and why or how Iím feeling. Iíll list my goals for the day.
Tomorrow, always tomorrowís a new day to beÖnormal.
September 25, 2004
Pathways to sacred space and thinking
Today my goals are deciding on my space, life, and designing my true happiness.
I thought about my living room and the constant disarray it stays in on the fringes and realized that Iím in charge of what my living roomís purpose is. Iím in charge of what any room in this flat is and how it will serve me. So today I work on this, goals, the light at the end of my tunnel! How it will reveal itself to me and the smells and feelings associated with that light!
Iíve been up all night. Sleep is increasingly irregular lately. Itís 5AM and I know there are things to do. So Iíll bid you all adieu until I can steal away a few moments later.
September 24, 2004
Beginning anew Now
Three years ago I thought I had the life... I had a few extra pounds to lose, yes, but I had a good job where I was supported and mattered. My family and friends were many and loved me just for me. I was wrong; it turned out, about a lot of things. One month before 9-11 I woke up at 4am with the following nightmare. I was asleep on a couch under a large window when I was awakened by the realization I wasn't alone. I started screaming but no sound came out of my mouth. I continued screaming even when I saw police officers in dark blue uniforms with flashlights reaching through the now open window. They were telling me to come through the window because I was in great danger. The window pivoted out horizontally toward the policemen and all I had to do was roll out towards them but I couldn't stop screaming and I was frozen with fear.
I could see myself lying there with my mouth wide open trying with all my might to get some sound to emit, but nothing. Then something stepped on my stomach as if it were coming from the window then stepped onto the floor and began to cross the room. I realized that my eyes were following whatever it was across the room as if I were aware of it's exact position but I couldn't see anything. I started screaming harder all the while praying my voice wouldnít come for fear whatever it was would turn back and realize I was there. Thatís when I heard this loud noise that turned out to be my screaming.
I woke up in the darkness afraid to move or make a sound. I stayed that way for almost 20 minutes before getting enough courage to call my sweetie on the phone. It was 6AM in his home state and he spent the next 30 minutes trying to soothe me but my chest still felt like it was going to explode into a heart attack. Later that morning I told a friend about the dream and how sick and weak I felt. It was my day off so I figured I could recuperate before work the next day. I still couldn't shake that scared feeling. It exhausted me. I called into work for the next day's schedule and when I did the supervisor pressed me to work for him, he was short drivers. I tried politely to put him off, but he begged and explained he was in a tight fix and had no one to work this shift. That would have meant going into work within 4 hours.
I reluctantly agreed since heíd helped me out before. My friend told me to call back and get out of it because she said I didn't sound good either. When I tried her suggestion, the supervisor refused. So I went to work. I even dragged my heels and was 3 seconds from being late and getting written up. I drove the route and no events until 30 minutes before the end of my last trip: trouble. Three guys got on my bus; two didn't pay, but the 3rd did. I thanked him and gave him a transfer. No problems until they wanted off the bus. The two non-payers got off but the guy that paid lingered at the fare box and called me the "B" word over and over and I asked if he was going to get off because we had to go. Then he just cold-cocked me in the head and my foot came off the brake. The bus started to move into traffic I popped the emergency brake and he started wailing on me as I fought my seat belt to get loose to try to fight back. Somehow I closed the doors to the bus, which not only trapped my attacker inside the bus with me, it also trapped his two buddies outside. His friends attempted prying the doors open to get in. (I have no idea if they wanted to wail on me as well or just whisk him away.) Finally I broke free of the seat belt and kicked the assailant away from me but before I could completely stand up he had grabbed me and dragged me to one of the front seats where he continued punching and trying to choke me. I begged the remaining passengers for help, but they just watched. I heard the assailantís companions yelling at him to escape through the emergency windows that pivoted out horizontally because they couldn't pry the doors open. The next thing I remember while trying to pry the assailantís hands off of me (He was now trying to rip hair out) was one of the passengers yelling, "let go" he pulled him off of me. He escaped through the emergency window in the back of the bus that pivoted out exactly like my dream. I turned off the bus got called my aunt, told her to pick me up and I exited the bus. I no longer cared what happened to anyone on the bus since they didn't care about me. I was in total shock. The first police officers on site were in dark navy uniforms (like my dream) and the next two police agencies wore olive green and light blue. Between all 3 of them not one filed a report despite grilling all of us and arresting a youngster who was smoking underage! Sad indeed the whole fiasco. When the medics got there my blood pressure was about 40 points lower than usual and they said I was fine. My job treated me like it was no big deal. The first Doctor I saw told me to go back to work 2 days later and yet the assailant was still out there and could get on my bus anytime. He has yet to be apprehended and because no reports were filed. The police and my job did nothing to further protect me. For one month I holed up in my place and didn't eat or talk to anyone except my sweetheart. I lost a lot of weigh.
Then everything turned really creepy! I started therapy with an inept Psychologist who had no understanding of such trauma and would stare at me but couldn't seem to remember anything I said from the week to week. She'd bring up things I wanted to talk about a month later as if it was the first she'd ever heard of it. I got worse with each session I had with her. Her big solution after months of her therapy: "Just quit your job," as if I had a private trust fund! I began to think she was nuts when I talked about how scared I was and she'd say it had nothing to do with my job. Then the next session she'd say: "It's just a dangerous JobĒ Thatís when the weight started piling on ďexponentially!Ē Well after a couple months of being off work I went back to work angry and frustrated because no one, in my opinion, was helping me. I was terrified the whole time. They sent me to a doctor to try to close my claim. He diagnosed me as Permanently Partially disabled due to my Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that just led me into another level of depression. The thought that you will never be the same just saddened me beyond belief. I donít know about you, but this was tantamount to someone telling a woman who wanted children she was never going to be able to have children. My mind was the best thing I had going. About a month after returning to work a Drunk Driver hit me on my way home from work. He didnít just hit me; he rammed my car from behind then turned and rammed my car from the side before turning barreling at break neck speed into the grips of the state patrol that witnessed the whole thing. To this day heís been free and clear to do it again short of one night in jail. I found daily life too hard to bear. I went to work and lived with nightmares whenever I finally fell sleep. I finally sought counseling again because I cried all the time and was suspicious of everyone. My weight and lack of sleep were totally out of control. I started shutting down all my relationships. I was so miserable at work I spent all the time trying to get out of work. There were weeks I barely had a paycheck. I was sick constantly. I finally started taking unpaid leave days just to help me get through the week. I began the agoraphobic journey about that time. I wouldn't go anywhere except work if I couldn't get out of it. Since I couldn't sleep, most days I'd end up driving the bus dangerously close to shutting my eyes late at night when returning to the base. Just when life was completely unbearable, a woman released the night before from a mental ward attacked me on Fatherís day in the morning before we even started the bus into the route. I had the first breakdown in my life, which still brings me to tears. I felt like a trapped animal in a cage with hundreds of spear points waiting to jab me from every angle. I remember hearing myself screaming and how humiliating it still makes me feel.
Since then, Iíve adopted a dog from the Wenatchee Humane Society Shelter and she has been my constant companion ever since. The times when she is not with me I feel like Iím drowning and all alone in this world of creepy people.
Iíve gained so much weight itís just too horrifying to list. When I look in the mirror I donít know how my sweetie stands me but he has the unconditional love in his heart for me. I donít even have that for me at this point in my life. I try, but every time I bend down and itís such a chore it discourages me.
My job classification has ended because the doctor says thereís no way I can go back. Financially I was motivated to go back and try to figure a way to not be so terrified but that would have been futile. I still get terrified when people get too close to me.
My goal with this diary is to keep myself in check and help myself heal, financially, emotionally, and physically. Especially Spiritually.
I plan on doing this by making my getting into shape something to gain a great distance from my current horrendous weight and close the gap to my desired goal weight and size.
I also plan on restructuring the way I look at money and itís affects on my health and well-being.
Iím going to try to make myself my Passion and clear away all the useless and negative self-talk that has led me to this particular place in life. A place I donít like and I donít ever want to return to!