July 15, 2004
Locked In Fear...
There was one pitiable incident that happened in all of our lives that forever changed things. Years ago my husband & I had newspaper routes. I had abut 400 customers and my husband had about half that many....largely because he was also working a full time job. Our kids used to take turns gong with their dad to deliver papers.
Dan was about 7 at the time.....and it was his turn to go with his father on the paper route. I was feeling particularly frustrated with Dan as he was having one of his more difficult days and nothing I did seemed to make it any better. When my husband and Dan came home from delivering the papers Dan ran and threw himself into my arms. My husband was on a raging spree...yelling...cursing...stomping around. Dan clung to me and I wrapped my arms around him not knowing what had happened or what to expect. My husband told me to pack Dan's things and put him out on the street. Well, it was November, cold, dark, and NO WAY was I going to put one of my kids out of the house. So I said "no". My husband's rage turned to an even more dangerous level...I had defied him!
At one point my husband went upstairs and I thought to myself....he is getting his gun and is going to shoot us all. I was frozen to the spot and Dan was still clinging to me. Thankfully he didn't come back with the gun but was ranting and raving like crazy. This went on for days and then he finally stopped talking altogether for about a week.
During this time I got glimpses of Dans body and found him horribly bruised. His father had beaten, kicked, screamed, cursed him all during the paper route that one day. Dan now walked around with his shoulders hunched as if waiting for the next blow. At this point I took Dan in to start seeing a children's therapist. I also told my husband that if he touched Dan again he would have to go through me to get to him. and that I would call children's protective services myself if he so much as touched Dan.
He was angry...oh was my husband angry! I was scared half to death myself. If my husband found out that I was taking Dan for therapy there would be hell to pay...but Dan needed it badly....so the risk was worth it. Unfortunately the longer Dan was in therapy it became evident that the beatings had started years ago....but he was not hit hard enough to leave any bruises...just enough to scare him half to death. Also, the beatings took place when I was gone from home. So I began to take Dan with me wherever I went in order to protect.
I admit, I was a real moron for staying with my husband.....but I was his victim too. He was abusive to me and I felt like I had to help him and that one day it would stop. So I stayed in the marriage. Looking back I wish I had left many years ago. Maybe some of Dan's mental illnesses wouldn't be so severe if I had left. I don't know...I did what I thought was the right thing at the time....but I'm afraid that I didn't do right by my son. I should have left....long ago.
Posted by Kathy on July 15, 2004 04:30 AM