May 16, 2006

Sunday 19th February

Susan and I watched a film tonight about a woman who’s husband’s ex wife is dying of cancer! Anyway we both had a really good cry and it was quite liberating. Being all emotional for a few minutes was good for Susan and we ended up talking about her college and her future. She seems a little confused about some of her choices; I’m making her a doctor’s appointment for a check up. I hope she hasn’t got glandular fever or something!

Monday 20th February

I spent a few minutes in the shop today and it wasn’t bad. Susan’s doctors appointment went really well. He told her about life being crappy sometimes and uncomfortable and how you just have to get on with it. He said these feelings of self-doubt were the first if many ‘blips’ that she will have in her adult life. I liked his attitude and it was great coming from him and not me. It has opened her up to all sorts of conversations now and I feel closer to her again. I also went with Ewan to his friend’s house for lunch because it was an inset day there was no school. Well my pain relief is under control and I feel that things are getting better every day now. The swelling has started to go down and it all looks quite neat and tidy, apart from when I caught a stitch and expected it to fall off…it was still attached; yuk!! Something nice is happening to me mentally and spiritually. I can’t explain it, but I’m feeling a warm sense of assurance…washing over me…embracing me. It’s like a safe feeling that somehow feels full of love.

Wednesday 22nd February

I actually served a customer today! People are being so sweet and keep asking both Gary and me how I am and stuff and bring more flowers and cards. I feel very special and that has a done a lot for me both mentally and physically. Also a rep came in today and I was able to deal with him I really do think it will be nice to back at work properly next week. Things in the home are good too, the children are being helpful and Gary is still on form, so lovely and understanding. I’ve stopped using the word ‘lucky’. I watched a programme today and someone said there is no such thing as luck, it’s all about opportunities and having the foresight or intuition to see and seize opportunities when they come knocking. So I’m not ‘lucky’, I am blessed and fortunate. Blessed with such a wonderful family and husband and soul mate and fortunate that I listened to my body and intuition and went to the doctors!

Thursday 23rd February
Gary and I went to lunch today. It was so nice, we went to a French themed restaurant and it was lovely. I told him about my secure sort of lovely feeling and he seemed to understand. We didn’t let the results appointment [it’s tomorrow] dominate our conversation, but we both know that we are both nervous, just a tiny bit. I think we’re both looking forward to our new ‘normalness’ of recovery, radiotherapy and pill popping! Should be fun fitting that in with all the building work already started in the living room, dining room and kitchen…oh and being self employed, and both back in the shop, with three children at two different schools and a college [twelve miles away]and organising an eighteenth birthday party, and walking a dog!! We’ll be fine.

Monday 27th February
The news on Friday was shit. We got drunk on Saturday with old friends Kevin and Maria.

Wednesday 1st March
I think it has started to really sink in now because actually I don’t feel that bad about it at the moment. I’ve been in a horrible, dark, scary place for a few days, well since Friday. I do not want to go back there in a hurry. Everything seemed so futile and sad, but really the outlook isn’t so bad. Gary knew something was up when Maria led us to her room and not the consultant’s office. It’s much more comfy in Maria’s room, there’s a sofa and nice smelling smelly things and no frosted glass or examination bed and you can even have a cup of tea. Anyway the consultant said that the operation had gone well, but the tumour, [I prefer ‘lump’] was bigger than they first thought. Quite a bit bigger if you ask me! It was four centimetres and not one and the MRI had been ‘inconclusive’ because of a number of things, my age, my hormones and even fatty tissue getting in the way of the little blood vessels and things to get a good picture. So, unfortunately things had not gone strictly to plan and the recommended treatment now is a mastectomy followed by either chemo and radio and tabs or one or the other in any combination or order the oncologist thinks best.

The good thing is, is that the outcome should be the same, [i.e. I live], so that’s not so bad is it.

Thursday 2nd March
Mum has been staying with us since Sunday, I feel so sorry for her, I know she wants to swap places with me and get it all sorted out and make me well, and it’s so horrid for her. We had a little chat this morning and I think that helped, because I really do know how she feels, I know I would rather be ill than my Susan – I think it would be hell to see my baby go through this…I can’t bear to think about it. I tried to reassure mum that when it’s ‘you’ you just get on with it and actually it’s every one else who feels helpless and lost. What a cruel illness this is, I hate that it affects so many people and hurts so many loved ones.

Gary and I went to see Maria this morning and that, as usual helped. She is very good at her job and made us feel that this is the right direction and we are in safe hands. I interrogated her for two hours; about the whys and wherefores, the ifs and shoulds…it’s all very boring going over the same ground about fifty thousand times!

Friday 3rd March
The date for my new op is 16th March, I meant to mention that before but I guess I’m trying to blot it from my mind. I should be in for three to five days and they will also do a lymph clearance at the same time. They have recommended that I do not have reconstruction until a later date as having it all done at once can hinder the healing process and hold up the oncology, oh and of course psychologically and emotionally it may be best to get one thing out of the way at a time. It makes sense but it does mean that if I go for reconstruction I will have to face another operation and that complicates it for me. When I went to the group meeting with mum, [whenever that was], I remember a few of the girls had had mastectomy’s and I can’t remember if any had had reconstruction. I’m sure that they had all been advised the same as me, as in to wait and see how you feel after the op. Maybe I should go back to group, Maria mentioned it yesterday, but I still feel that I don’t belong and can’t really see the good in it. I’m not saying that it wouldn’t help, it did in a funny sort of way help before, but that was when I was a ‘lumpectomy’ and very boring, now I’m a ‘mastectomy’ and it all feels a little too serious.

Saturday 4th March
I am definitely thinking clearer at the moment, I think I’m on the mend. I mean, more at ease with the situation and with what the future holds. The thoughts in my mind are like some weird puzzle; I have to try and piece everything together and put it in its place; then and only then can I put it away, safely. Anyway I think the puzzle is new and challenging but it won’t beat me. I realise that only the journey has changed, the destination will still be the same, although that is partly what gets to me. I can see how I am now - and I can see how I will be, I just hope that I’m up to the journey. Talking of journeys, we took mum home today and stopped of on the way to have a cuppa at Jill and Steve’s. We left Miles at home; he had friends and homework to deal with so it was just Susan and Ewan with us. We dropped mum at home and then went onto Paula’s for a Chinese. The nice thing is that her two boys and our three have always been close, since before they were born. It was really nice and we talked for a while about normal things with the odd bit of ‘cancer chat’ thrown in to keep us on our toes! Paula and Steve [her Steve not Jill’s] are so sweet, I feel really comfortable talking to them both and think Gary does too. We didn’t get home too late and it was nice to be kind of normal with just the five of us and the dog.

Monday 6th March
[I didn’t write yesterday because we had such a nice day; a nice normal Sunday with roast lamb and all the trimmings, a dog walk, a film and some ironing all topped of with a wicked wild life programme…I wanted it logged down here that it was really nice yesterday.]

I’ve had really good day today. I was in the shop again for most of the day and it was great. I didn’t realise how much I would miss it until I was back in it. Gary went out a couple of times and I coped, although when he went to get Susan from college and there was the threat of a slight delay getting home I felt a surge of panic. What a weed. He’d only gone in the first place because I’m not insured to drive her car and she needs the extra experience with her test coming up. Anyway as it turned out I then drove her back in our car because of a mix up with her photo’s…what I’m trying to say is things felt normal today; that is until I got back with Susan at about 6pm.

Posted by Sharon | Filed under: when the poo hit the fan | Comments (0)

May 12, 2006

Thursday 12th January

Gary and I went late night shopping and we sat in a coffee bar and the dreaded appointment came up as we talked. We didn’t allow it to dominate our conversation, although we did agree that tomorrow would make a difference to us whatever the result. If it was good we would be able to breathe and sleep properly again. If it was bad….well we would never be quite the same again.

Friday 13th January (when the poo hit the fan)

Just look at the date! O.K. it wasn’t good. The funny thing is I really and truly don’t feel too worried. Apparently, I have a very boring, average little cancer of the breast. It feels really strange to use the ‘C’ word; there’s so much fear attached to that word when you hear it, but when you use it, it doesn’t seem so bad. I feel extremely lucky, there I was with the smallest little lump, that I very nearly didn’t bother to get looked at, and it turns out that while the small little gravely lump is nothing – they have discovered another, cancerous lump hidden behind it! It is also small, approximately one centimetre, and very average and treatable. So there we have it….I don’t think we will sleep particularly well on that and I don’t think I have breathed properly now since I found the gravely lump just before Christmas.

Telling the children was horrible. Gary was in bits at the Hospital when they told us and again when we told Susan and Miles. Susan was very absorbing and matter of fact, don’t confuse that with cold, she just doesn’t react straight away and never on the outside – with anything. Miles was very emotional and set Gary off again, they hugged each other for ages then they seemed to pull themselves together and were both alright. We told Ewan later when he came home from a friends’ house, we didn’t say as much to him - he’s only eight years old – we just said that mummy has a lump on her booby that needs to be taken out. Then he asked what was for dinner, I was so relieved. The three of them acted exactly as we had predicted and I felt proud of the fact that at least we know them, we got that right.

Gary is very shaken and can't talk about it without getting tearful, I feel quite calm and not tearful. I know I'm probably in 'denial' but I don't care, I feel strong and in control and I'm not 'being brave', I just don't feel too worried, just lucky.

We have decided to avoid the telephone, because I want to tell mum in person and we can’t get over to her house until Sunday.

Sunday 15th January

We told mum today and it wasn’t too bad. I told my sister Jill over the phone on Saturday and arranged for her and her husband, Steve, to be there and actually it went quite well.

The overall prognosis is very good and we concentrated on that. The surgeon has recommended a lumpectomy or wide excision followed by radiotherapy and hormone tablets for five to eight years. I think that Gary feels helpless, but I’ve told him that I am so lucky for so many reasons, him being the main one. If it was the other way round I would be useless, I’m a terrible nurse, at least he is kind and very patient, I would be like ‘come on, pull yourself together’.

Monday 16th January

We told the schools and have started to tell people in the village. We decided that running the local shop and not telling everyone could cause problems. We don’t want a situation where some people are told and some one gets forgotten or ‘Chinese whispers’ start…. It just all gets too complicated, so we’ve decided everyone can know, that way if we have to shut the shop without warning for a morning or something, they will understand. I also told Mary today, my other sister, and she was very upset; she doesn’t cope well with health issues. I think she’ll be alright. If my brother Paul phones any of the family we will tell him that I need an operation, but not mention cancer – he would be so upset and as it’s not that bad, why worry him? We started to compile a list of questions for the Breast Care Nurse; we’re going to see her on Wednesday.

Wednesday 18th January

Maria, the breast care nurse, is lovely; she was so patient today and answered all our questions, we were there for a good couple of hours and both felt quite positive when we left. I still feel like they’ve made a mistake and got my notes muddled up with someone else’s. They want to do an MRI before the operation to check what’s going on and so that there are no nasty surprises when they open me up. We have the operation date, 9th February. My biggest fear is the operation itself. The thought of not being in control terrifies me. The thought of ‘being knocked out’, it just makes me shiver, all the ‘what ifs’ that are related to anaesthetics are whizzing around my head. Horrible.

Sunday 22nd January

Niki and Charlotte came over last night and stayed and today we had our hair cut; we being all of us except Gary, Hannah won’t cut Gary’s hair, it’s too wild!!

Tuesday 24th January

Had the MRI today. What a strange thing that was! It’s much longer and narrower in real life. Like some tunnel that’s wants to eat you. I was fine right up to the point when I was actually laying on my front with my boobs on the ‘boob holes’; arms kind of stretched out in front like I was doing some kind of dive! All was fine until they started putting me into the ‘tunnel’, I think it was because of my position but I felt so vulnerable all of a sudden, like this ‘thing’ was overwhelming me from above and all around. I didn’t like it. They pulled me back out and let Gary come in the room and he was able to sit at the other end. I felt a bit like a puppy or something being coaxed into a pipe, but finally I was in and for the next twenty five minutes I stayed in and we both wore our ear plugs and that was that.

We both feel much more used to the whole thing now, we went to lunch at Brighton Mariner after the MRI today and we actually enjoyed some quality time together. I can cope with that.

Friday 27th January

Have the Pre-op on Monday and Maria again on Tuesday and hopefully the MRI results will be in too, so we should know which direction we’re going in with regards to treatment, [although I still can’t help thinking that the MRI will result in the whole thing being a horrible mistake and will come back clear], this thing is a bit of a roller-coaster ride, but somehow we seem stronger than ever. The children are opening up, although Miles cannot see the funny side to it yet or the fact that I’ve been lucky. Our friends and family are being fantastic and so supportive and the villagers are just wonderful. I’ve had so many well wishes and cards. News is traveling quite fast and they are all making the effort to be as normal as possible about it and not feel awkward. People have offered lifts; they have been so very sweet. The girls who work for us couldn’t have been better; they’ve all done extra hours and have been so supportive and kind. I feel very special; do I really deserve this attention?

Monday 30th January

The pre-op went well. Apart from me having a panic attack and a little cry, I think it went O.K! Gary was fantastic, I’m so lucky to have him. It’s just the thought that this operation is going ahead; it could be my tonsils, or anything really, I’m just not focused on the ‘why’ at all, just the anaesthetic!!! Oh I was upset because I was hoping for the MRI result today as well and not having it tipped the balance for me, mind you, we got to see Maria today instead, because she was available and the pre-op nurse thought it would help. It did. I have the best husband in the world, he is funny and laid back and not phased and handsome and sexy and really knows how to handle me.

Friday 3rd February

It’s Miles’ birthday next Sunday the 12th, I hope that I’m out of hospital in time. Neither Gary nor I have even thought about a birthday or present…I wonder why? Miles had got a terrible bout of ‘man flu’, might keep him home next week.

We’ve decided to get Miles a new mobile phone for his birthday. It’s what he wants so Gary will take him out on the 11th to get one whether or not I’m home and to the cinema on the 12th. Sorted.

Monday 6th February

Miles is really poorly and has a horrid cold; I hope that it’s not my fault. He’s been in bed all weekend and is off school now. Susan has started with a headache so I guess she’s next. Mary and Kevin are picking mum up tomorrow evening so we can spend Wednesday together as I have to be at the hospital by 7.30 am on Thursday!!!

Tuesday 7th February

I took Susan and Miles to the Doctors this morning and it was so funny! Poor Miles, he’s been coughing for at least a week but is on the mend and doesn’t need penicillin, Susan’s Asthma is acting up with this cold and it is turning into a chest infection so the doctor has given Susan penicillin. The funny thing was that the doctor asked how I was feeling about everything and especially the anaesthetic and of course I told her, so she suggested that I take a tranquilizer the night before, [tomorrow!!!!]. Well I laughed as I so don’t do tablets – but she was serious and we had a playful argument, which highly amused the kids, about the ins and outs of taking something. Anyway to cut a long story short, the doctor won and she prescribed them…on the understanding that it’s up to me if and when I take one!

Wednesday 8th February

I went to a ‘group meeting’ today. I took mum along, [what a scaredy-cat I am], I drove using the sat-nav for the first time, all I can say is I’m glad mum was with me. The meeting was much better than I’d imagined it would be. I really don’t do ‘group therapy’, however I was pleasantly surprised. It was more like a ‘coffee morning’ type thing with that kind of atmosphere, we just all happened to have breast cancer. I did feel a little bit better when we left, partly because I felt strangely re-assured and partly because I think being at the meeting helped mum come to terms with her child having this ghastly thing that, actually, isn’t as scary when you see that there is a future after treatment. Oh there was another reason for feeling better when we left; it was because I was going straight onto have a massage to relax me for the operation tomorrow.

Sunday 12th February

It was Miles’ birthday today. I cannot believe that my little boy is very fast becoming a young man. He is so handsome and as tall as his dad and has such a wicked sense of humour. He is lovely. We had a roast dinner - cooked by Gary – and then a little birthday cake with sparklers on it. We were all going to go to the cinema but the only thing on was too old for Ewan, but now Miles is fifteen, not too old for him! So Gary took Susan and Miles and mum Ewan and me stayed here. Mum played a game with Ewan and I went back to bed, I’m still very tired and have probably over done it a little!

Yes, the operation; it went well. I’m very sore and very tired and very, very relieved that I woke up alive!! I didn’t need a drain and was up and about later that night so they threw me out on the Friday. I was well behaved and went straight to bed and probably slept for most of the time, I don’t really remember. Did I eat?...how strange. Anyway I felt great on the Saturday so I accompanied Gary when he took Ewan to his swimming class, I rested in the afternoon, and then some friends came to visit early evening. I got up and dressed today for Miles’ birthday and realised rest was best once they had gone to the flicks. I have had so many cards and flowers and plants and well wishes, it’s all rather humbling.

Monday 13th February

I was up and about again today. We shut the shop and Gary took the dogs [Millie and mums’ Arlow] to vets to get their claws clipped and Millie’s jabs. Then we set off to take the children to mum’s for a few days. By the time we arrived at mum’s Susan’s’ asthma had ‘kicked off’. She’s still got a couple of days of medicine left and the cough and cold-like-thing had seemed better. It was such a shame, because she was looking forward to seeing Claire at mums, but after an hour we decided to bring her back with us and get her seen. I’m so glad we listened to the parental instinct, because she needed a nebuliser and has been put on course of steroids [first time since she was tiny]. I’m so glad that we brought her home; it would have been horrible and worrying for mum to have to deal with that from her house.

Friday 17th February

Well that was a bit of a roller-coaster ride! Susan is on the mend, thankfully the steroids did their thing and she perked up within hours and was well on the road to recovery by Wednesday. Me? Me, however, I think…no I hope I had my worst day yesterday.

I rested on the Tuesday and felt well for it, although still very sore and uncomfortable, like there’s a tennis ball covered in sharp sand paper stuck under my arm. Mentally, I felt O.K. and thought the worst had actually happened without me while I was resting. Sometimes I’m so naive. Wednesday seemed to pass me by and felt like a waste of time by bedtime. I had a secret goal to be up and dressed by nine am on Thursday and I could feel this slipping away on Wednesday night. I’m sure it was a combination of the shock of it all and the fact I still felt tired, all rolled up in the discomfort and pain that made me feel so horrid on Thursday. So there I was having a little cry. Not a huge ‘woe is me’ thing, just a little cry, but I felt so, so low. Any way Gary telephoned Maria and she said to go and see her tomorrow [today] to get the wounds checked, just to make sure that there is no infection. She also said that it would be O.K. to have my hair coloured, [I’d already arranged Hannah ‘the haircut’ weeks ago] so I did have my hair done and so did Susan and I felt better for it.

Today, I felt quite well again but still went to the hospital to get checked. People are so kind, one of our customers took me - along with Lesley [one of our girls]. The doctor and Maria had a look and agreed that all was well even though it is swollen; it’s all very boring and average. So I will keep taking the pain killers and stay focused on the positive stuff.

Posted by Sharon | Filed under: when the poo hit the fan | Comments (0)