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May 16, 2006

My adventures with breast cancer

Sunday 19th February

Susan and I watched a film tonight about a woman who’s husband’s ex wife is dying of cancer! Anyway we both had a really good cry and it was quite liberating. Being all emotional for a few minutes was good for Susan and we ended up talking about her college and her future. She seems a little confused about some of her choices; I’m making her a doctor’s appointment for a check up. I hope she hasn’t got glandular fever or something!

Monday 20th February

I spent a few minutes in the shop today and it wasn’t bad. Susan’s doctors appointment went really well. He told her about life being crappy sometimes and uncomfortable and how you just have to get on with it. He said these feelings of self-doubt were the first if many ‘blips’ that she will have in her adult life. I liked his attitude and it was great coming from him and not me. It has opened her up to all sorts of conversations now and I feel closer to her again. I also went with Ewan to his friend’s house for lunch because it was an inset day there was no school. Well my pain relief is under control and I feel that things are getting better every day now. The swelling has started to go down and it all looks quite neat and tidy, apart from when I caught a stitch and expected it to fall off…it was still attached; yuk!! Something nice is happening to me mentally and spiritually. I can’t explain it, but I’m feeling a warm sense of assurance…washing over me…embracing me. It’s like a safe feeling that somehow feels full of love.

Wednesday 22nd February

I actually served a customer today! People are being so sweet and keep asking both Gary and me how I am and stuff and bring more flowers and cards. I feel very special and that has a done a lot for me both mentally and physically. Also a rep came in today and I was able to deal with him I really do think it will be nice to back at work properly next week. Things in the home are good too, the children are being helpful and Gary is still on form, so lovely and understanding. I’ve stopped using the word ‘lucky’. I watched a programme today and someone said there is no such thing as luck, it’s all about opportunities and having the foresight or intuition to see and seize opportunities when they come knocking. So I’m not ‘lucky’, I am blessed and fortunate. Blessed with such a wonderful family and husband and soul mate and fortunate that I listened to my body and intuition and went to the doctors!

Thursday 23rd February
Gary and I went to lunch today. It was so nice, we went to a French themed restaurant and it was lovely. I told him about my secure sort of lovely feeling and he seemed to understand. We didn’t let the results appointment [it’s tomorrow] dominate our conversation, but we both know that we are both nervous, just a tiny bit. I think we’re both looking forward to our new ‘normalness’ of recovery, radiotherapy and pill popping! Should be fun fitting that in with all the building work already started in the living room, dining room and kitchen…oh and being self employed, and both back in the shop, with three children at two different schools and a college [twelve miles away]and organising an eighteenth birthday party, and walking a dog!! We’ll be fine.

Monday 27th February
The news on Friday was shit. We got drunk on Saturday with old friends Kevin and Maria.

Wednesday 1st March
I think it has started to really sink in now because actually I don’t feel that bad about it at the moment. I’ve been in a horrible, dark, scary place for a few days, well since Friday. I do not want to go back there in a hurry. Everything seemed so futile and sad, but really the outlook isn’t so bad. Gary knew something was up when Maria led us to her room and not the consultant’s office. It’s much more comfy in Maria’s room, there’s a sofa and nice smelling smelly things and no frosted glass or examination bed and you can even have a cup of tea. Anyway the consultant said that the operation had gone well, but the tumour, [I prefer ‘lump’] was bigger than they first thought. Quite a bit bigger if you ask me! It was four centimetres and not one and the MRI had been ‘inconclusive’ because of a number of things, my age, my hormones and even fatty tissue getting in the way of the little blood vessels and things to get a good picture. So, unfortunately things had not gone strictly to plan and the recommended treatment now is a mastectomy followed by either chemo and radio and tabs or one or the other in any combination or order the oncologist thinks best.

The good thing is, is that the outcome should be the same, [i.e. I live], so that’s not so bad is it.

Thursday 2nd March
Mum has been staying with us since Sunday, I feel so sorry for her, I know she wants to swap places with me and get it all sorted out and make me well, and it’s so horrid for her. We had a little chat this morning and I think that helped, because I really do know how she feels, I know I would rather be ill than my Susan – I think it would be hell to see my baby go through this…I can’t bear to think about it. I tried to reassure mum that when it’s ‘you’ you just get on with it and actually it’s every one else who feels helpless and lost. What a cruel illness this is, I hate that it affects so many people and hurts so many loved ones.

Gary and I went to see Maria this morning and that, as usual helped. She is very good at her job and made us feel that this is the right direction and we are in safe hands. I interrogated her for two hours; about the whys and wherefores, the ifs and shoulds…it’s all very boring going over the same ground about fifty thousand times!

Friday 3rd March
The date for my new op is 16th March, I meant to mention that before but I guess I’m trying to blot it from my mind. I should be in for three to five days and they will also do a lymph clearance at the same time. They have recommended that I do not have reconstruction until a later date as having it all done at once can hinder the healing process and hold up the oncology, oh and of course psychologically and emotionally it may be best to get one thing out of the way at a time. It makes sense but it does mean that if I go for reconstruction I will have to face another operation and that complicates it for me. When I went to the group meeting with mum, [whenever that was], I remember a few of the girls had had mastectomy’s and I can’t remember if any had had reconstruction. I’m sure that they had all been advised the same as me, as in to wait and see how you feel after the op. Maybe I should go back to group, Maria mentioned it yesterday, but I still feel that I don’t belong and can’t really see the good in it. I’m not saying that it wouldn’t help, it did in a funny sort of way help before, but that was when I was a ‘lumpectomy’ and very boring, now I’m a ‘mastectomy’ and it all feels a little too serious.

Saturday 4th March
I am definitely thinking clearer at the moment, I think I’m on the mend. I mean, more at ease with the situation and with what the future holds. The thoughts in my mind are like some weird puzzle; I have to try and piece everything together and put it in its place; then and only then can I put it away, safely. Anyway I think the puzzle is new and challenging but it won’t beat me. I realise that only the journey has changed, the destination will still be the same, although that is partly what gets to me. I can see how I am now - and I can see how I will be, I just hope that I’m up to the journey. Talking of journeys, we took mum home today and stopped of on the way to have a cuppa at Jill and Steve’s. We left Miles at home; he had friends and homework to deal with so it was just Susan and Ewan with us. We dropped mum at home and then went onto Paula’s for a Chinese. The nice thing is that her two boys and our three have always been close, since before they were born. It was really nice and we talked for a while about normal things with the odd bit of ‘cancer chat’ thrown in to keep us on our toes! Paula and Steve [her Steve not Jill’s] are so sweet, I feel really comfortable talking to them both and think Gary does too. We didn’t get home too late and it was nice to be kind of normal with just the five of us and the dog.

Monday 6th March
[I didn’t write yesterday because we had such a nice day; a nice normal Sunday with roast lamb and all the trimmings, a dog walk, a film and some ironing all topped of with a wicked wild life programme…I wanted it logged down here that it was really nice yesterday.]

I’ve had really good day today. I was in the shop again for most of the day and it was great. I didn’t realise how much I would miss it until I was back in it. Gary went out a couple of times and I coped, although when he went to get Susan from college and there was the threat of a slight delay getting home I felt a surge of panic. What a weed. He’d only gone in the first place because I’m not insured to drive her car and she needs the extra experience with her test coming up. Anyway as it turned out I then drove her back in our car because of a mix up with her photo’s…what I’m trying to say is things felt normal today; that is until I got back with Susan at about 6pm.

Posted by Sharon on May 16, 2006 07:52 AM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl