Dear Lisa, There's some good news and some bad news, so don't stop reading till you get to the end!!!! When I was younger, my lupus used to flare up every two to three years, and it was "handleable", even though undiagnosed at the time. Because once I got thru the flare, I got "better". The flare would usually take me out of circulations for three months until I was toatally back on my feet and good as new again. Then when I was your age, I had four, back to back flares in the same year. Which was horrendoud. I'd get the "tease" of having a month feeling like normality was in my grasp, only to be knocked back time and time again.

The good news, is that it happened when I was about your age. And has never happened like that again. Has never been so virulent, so frightening, or as severe.

So I can say, in one sense you are lucky in that you have the diagnosis of a CTD. And in that in our mid thirties our estrogen levels are the highest, the disease just explodes into our realities to take the floor out from under us.

But I can tell you about one thing I read just about ten years ago which I found very interesting. A woman, in the Army was going thru what we have/had at this age, and was put on total disability for that time. She was only capable of being there somewhat for her daughter, but not able to be counted on by the military to any degree of any kind of predictable capacity, so she was a clear cut, Army disability case.

If only we could accept this as a temporary situation in our mid thirties, how much less stress would it provide in our lives. The only thing, after all, that we are in control of is a change in our own attitudes of what we expect of ourselves. And if just having two hours of energy a day while running low grade fevers while your body protects itself from further harm from an autoimmune disease is all we can do, then we have to accept it as our temporary reality.

My own solution to it came by surprise. I ended up working in a volunteer position on the state level for a non-pofit orgnanization that I was part of - in a service position. And if I had ten to fifteen hours of work to do over the course of the month, I was able to do it when I was able to do it. Some years, one shot, once a month. In others years, two or three hours a week, spread out. Everything depended on the clarity of my mind, and the condition of my body. But my deadlines were quarterly in the year, I had a lot of flexibility. And even though I got no paycheck, I got the opportunity to learn and grow in an organization that changed my life. I was able to be of service to many, many people all over the state I live in, without having to be well enough to leave the house. But when I was well enough, I had to put together complicated presentations to present at Board meetings I could attend, and state wide meetings, etc. So although my illness stopped my career plans, and I was not accepted as a "worker" in the regular world, in the voluntary world of non-profit organizations, I got the opportunity to work at a very high level, and advance in my own achievements and get a lot of positive feedback from doing the little that I did do. But the emotional effect on rising in a non paid "avocation" kept my self esteem and my self worth growing when the outside world was "killing" it off. So please know that your disease will change with the decades, and that what you are going thru now, and the intensity of it, will all change. Going back to school and taking a course or two may not lead you to the career of your choice in the end, but it may get you into a volunteer position that will lead to a great job eventually. So my only suggestion, in hind sight, is to accept that if the American Army would give you full disability pay at this point, and then accept you back part or full time when you are well enough, then that's good enough validation for me. I wish other employers were as knowledgeable about this disease. But finding a home based business or service, with a flexible schedule and relatively flexible deadlines is what I am currently trying to figure out how to do. I went thru two decades of trying to get back into the normal work place. And it was I who had to finally accept my self as physically and mentally disabled by this disease when it is in flare, and to go with the flow. But to keep the hope and aspiration that I will eventually find a way to fit into the GNP in some way. Until then, I'd try to accept disability pay with grace, educate my mind in as many ways at home when it is working well enough, give as much attention as you have to your family who will be grown up and leave home before you have your disease even managed, so you might as well not loose out here. And just go with the flow. There may be volunteer opportunities in many areas of your community where you can participate when well enough, to get you out in the community. I used to volunteer in the business office of the local hospital at one time. I could come and go as I pleased, my work was appreciated, and I could keep my main focus on getting better, while not being totally shut off. And because you are a volunteer, there isn't the same kind of back biting. But there are a lot of state and national non profit agencies that have boards that need people to work in many capacities. Women shelter hotlines that you can volunteer to be on call one night a week, etc. Animal rescue organization, public access TV stations that are run predominantly by volunteers. The work can be very light, for two hours a pop, just answering phones, but it keeps your spirit up. So if you have to reduce stress by collecting disability pay, and calling a potentially life threatening disease "disruptive" in your capacity to work right now, at least you could do that without all the guilt and the shame I had to go through, without having a diagnosis for what was going on with me. So maybe if you can reset your priorities with only the next year in mind, in just getting thru this first major flare up, and graciously just accept your limitations for this initial time period, it might help lead you to a lot of great opportunities that you don't even know are out there. Right now, maybe your Karma ran over your Dogma. But this too shall pass. It just may take lightening up on your expectations and your need for control of your condition right now, and just letting it go for a while for the Powers of the Universe to deal with. And it may bring you some of the most precious blessings and opportunities in the long run. Ones that you could never had imagined, had you not got struck down by these connective tissue diseases at this point in your life. Just remember, it is most virulent RIGHT NOW. And this will pass. You won't go thru this same senario at this time in your forties. Things change. But it does take patience, letting go, and tons of flexibility by not only you, but everyone else in your family. Good luck. Keep blogging. Hugs.

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