January 26, 2005

Not Getting Better

Yesterday was a horrible day. When it started, it just wouldn't stop. It went from horribly angry for a few hours, finally to sadness and depression. When I came out of it, I saw how childish it looked like I was being. Just sitting there pouting and making an argument out of everything. I wonder if it's me that makes all these little arguments, or if he really is just being a jerk. I don't know. I just know it's getting ridiculous. I shouldn't be like this. And there's too much anxiety going on. Yesterday, in keyboarding class, I was looking at the typing assignment I needed to do, and nearly cried. I always feel so overwhelmed and anxious. I DON'T want to feel like that. I don't really have much else to say. I feel weird...

Here's a poem I wrote today:

Inside

already in my casket
predetermined doom
hands tied
I HAVE to be like this
no hope, no guidance
someone get me out!
only me, only me, only me.
dark inside
so much hopeful light--
obscured
in the pain, stubborn pain
I HAVE BEEN RUINED!
by my own device.
I wish I had the remote [control]
if I can't change it,
I may as well not live.
this way of living--
ISN'T living.
I do want to live. I do.


I'll admit...it's not one of my best. But it made me feel a little bit better. It seems like I write better when not inspired...or when I just make something up out of nowhere. What a weirdo I am...

Posted by fourrightchords on January 26, 2005 11:00 AM

Hi I am sorry you are so down. Do me a favor hon and email ok?

I hope you feel better soon :)

Gentle hugs-when you have lupus you can not hug too hard-it hurts :) so sending you a light gentle one hoping it helps a little.

Lisa

Posted by: Lisa at January 31, 2005 6:48 AM

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