March 14, 2005
Getting back to normal
Saw a law and order episode today of a woman who was raped. She kept saying she wasn't going to get back to normal...This was so me, still is somewhat. I felt like she was talking from inside me when she said:
....I'm never going to get back to normal.... You're all sitting around waiting for me to shake this off and get back to normal.... you have no idea... I can't sleep for more than 20 minutes a night... I hate to be alone but God I hate to be around people more and I'm so afraid to walk outside or be in a crowded place because i might see him... all I can think to myself is it would have been so much better if he had just killed me...
That's me only she was raped... I was beaten and my attacker was never located or brought to justice. He's just loose out there and will never pay for it. I hate the fact I'll never be "normal" again. I hate that I still have nightmares and I hate the fact that I've let myself go so badly that I'm having to fight mentally and physically to get back to a faint memory of who I used to be. My personal trainer asked me today if I went out with friends...I told her i lost all my friends, only 3 remain. Yeah the rest weren't my friends well, it would have been nicer to know that before you're totally terrified of the world, when you probably need friends most. They still don't get it. Last week was a nightmare having to deal with the Mom from hell and her expectations of everyone bowing down to her and her sick behaviors. I decided last week that I Hate her. I said it out loud at least 5 times and cried twice. I don't want to see or talk to her ever again, I don't want to see or talk to really anyone. As far as I've come, I find myself being really stressed out by the drive to the gym and the meetings and appointments and the physical workouts and the fact that I'm sooo fat and have sooo far to go. If I could just find the will power to get over the eating. The comfort it gives me here in this apart ment alone. Even the dogs are encroaching on my space. I don't know if this is a phase or a set back or just further proof that I'm really unbalanced.
I'm tired and truthfully I'd rather spend tomorrow in bed all day. I don't know how much of life I'm really capable of handling. I'm on the computer less even, because it just seems like another obligation...all obligations feel like a weighted anvil around my neck! I know I'm being redundant, but that's how oppressive things feel for me these days. It's like I take 5 steps forward and am shoved 8 steps back. I'm really exhausted. with everything. Gonna go to bed now.. nothing left to stay up for. writing is thinking and I just can't bear to think anymore.
March 3, 2005
Day 20 (night)
Made it to 6:30pm. Had 4 bottles of water. I need to order more bottles of water. I got in 4 or 5 I can’t remember. I got in 2 sandwiches of Braunschweiger and cheese. One eaten at 11am and another at 3:30 or 4pm. I also ate about 7 cashews and 6 graham crackers with frosting on them. (Not best but hey the main thing is little meals many for now. My stomach feels full for now and I expect I’ll be okay for the rest of the night. We’ll see. All in all I had a better day. I actually don’t feel like I overate. I do want some waffles though. We’ll see, maybe in another hour or so. I think my weight will have gone up tomorrow when I weigh in though. I’ve had too much starch and too many carbs. I’ll still go on with my plan of working out more and drinking more water. Mentally, I guess today I’m okay. Tomorrow? I don’t know. Workout and weigh in at 10am so I’m out of here at 9AM in the morning. At least I’m posting. Hopefully I can continue
Day 20 to... (morning)
Decided to try to post throughout the day in hopes to keep myself more in check.
Woke up ate a few cashews (breakfast) drank water took vitamin
Took kids down stairs and felt really good. I don't know if it was the workout or the stretching yesterday or walking more upright on treadmill(which isn't easy with your major stomach and hip fat pulling your back in towards the front of your body and out of alignment!) It took longer but I did it. I need to stretch that's a definite.
Maybe this working out is helping me, we'll see. Already had next meal cottage cheese & pineapple. by noon I'll have a Braunshweiger sandwich. Meanwhile I'm drinking water! yeah! I feel somewhat better.
March 2, 2005
Day 19 to something
Today I did okay with the workout but I was very tired and stiff when I got home. I ate a lean cuisine with about 7 oz of baked salmon. I also ate about 10 cashews. Didn’t get the food in until 1:30pm, about 30 minutes later I got sick, intestinal runs. I know the salmon was good so maybe it was the spinach in the lean cuisine? I don’t know. Later around 8pm I had a Braunschweiger sandwich and corned beef sandwich. They went down really good and satisfied me. That was my food for the day. I drank 4 bottles of water. I’m going to watch some DVDs now and call it a day. I’m tired. I think I’ll grab a couple of icees too.
My frame of mind has loosened somewhat, still hating the struggle and wondering about my true feelings for me. We’ll see how the rest of the week goes. I’m waiting for those cooler soft packs to come in so that I can keep my day’s food with me always have something to eat every couple hours. I’ve got to do something! Today when I looked in the mirror at the gym, I would have thrown up if I had had any food in my stomach to throw up! The big heap of fat I saw looking back at me just disgusts me to no end.
I’ll try not to think about it so that I can go to bed instead of really working on a way to do myself in faster than being overweight or not eating. I must think of a way to get myself through this dark time in my life.
March 1, 2005
Day 18 to who knows what
Today my dearest friend told me her mother passed away. I can so hear all the pain she’s going through dealing with family members and taking care of the nasty details of funeral homes, services, flowers, even obituary entries. It’s just sad. Her mother was a wonderful thinking woman, nurse who ended up with Alzheimer’s. My grandmother and her mom were diagnosed about the same time 4 years ago so it was really nice to have someone to discuss the details with and the behaviors and how to deal with them. My grandmother died 2 years ago, and was about 10 years older than her mom. Sad they both had to go with such a disease.
I’m slightly better today, but really still not well spiritually. I’m angry most of the day or catatonic. My dear friend tells me that I’m angry and snappy because I’m sick. I don’t know. My Sweetie and I got into another fight because he wanted details of my friend’s mom and I don’t want to discuss details when I’m dealing with anything. I don’t want to think at all.
Tomorrow I go to work out and I haven’t lost weight. I’ve been eating sporadically. I gained 3lbs last week, but then I drank quite a lot of pop, which I usually don’t drink anymore. I’m sure I retained water but then I wasn’t exactly stringent on eating just like today. I’ve had salmon, a filet o fish burger, a cheeseburger and pineapple cottage cheese plus a can of pineapple. Tomorrow I have to meet with the counselor and the “nutritionist” too. I haven’t had a good start with this program. I’m so tired all the time. Oh well I just have to get through 3 hours and then back home to work again. Sigh. I know I need to exercise more it’s the only way I may possibly feel better. Goodness. I’ve probably gained 10 lbs. I hate this whole struggle I’m just through.