August 10, 2006
Good for me, literally.
I called my friend tonight and she was in the middle of a workout and said she'd call me back. I thought: what a great excuse to do an evening (And second) workout! It felt great actually even though I only did a mile of the walk aerobics tape. I'm looking forward to tomorrow morning now. Boy will I be glad when I'm working out as much as I write!
Lemonade lazy day!
Okay, back on track, somewhat. I’m thinking about a set eating plan. Normally I don’t like to do such things, makes me feel too imprisoned. We’ll see. I feel this strong desire to use the food here in the apartment. I think I’m feeling somewhat suspicious of things that hang around forever! I can’t really explain the desire to get rid of it all other than I’m so ready for a change overall that I even want to clean out the cupboards. I dropped another pound that’s nice, not much but nice. Today I felt lazier than normal. I think I needed a break from writing a bit. The desire to write is like having a nematode just under the skin shallow and uncomfortable. You can see it moving through your flesh but nothing you do seems to stop it. I expect that’s a somewhat gruesome description of writing, but it’s often as urgent and at times annoying in this way when you have something to write.
Today I sat out on my deck and read William Faulkner’s “As I lay Dying” aloud. I love reading Faulkner out loud. My southern accent seeps out horribly when I do but I’ll be honest Faulkner’s one of those writers that you just want to read aloud, like Shakespeare. Blessed Shakespeare, it must be read aloud! Anyways it was lazy like for me to do, I might as well have popped on a straw hat and sipped on a sour sweating glass of lemonade to have made it more perfect. The other people who live in this apartment complex may think I’m nuts, but that’s okay, the feeling’s mutual I’m sure! I guess not yelling obscenities at my children or “old man, old lady” makes me more nuts because I was just reading a book! Well I do declare I do have my eccentricities! (And I’m darned proud of them!) Tomorrow it’s back to work, if I don’t get started later tonight. Everyday I realize more and more that I was born to be a writer; I have all the bookmarks (dog eared and otherwise) of the inescapable plight of being haunted by muses in the middle of the night! It sure would be great if I could replace eating with writing completely!
Sweet n Sour Soup
chocolate chip cookies
164/89 BP 69 pulse ~ Down -01 ~ Total Lost 023 ~ 393 till Goal
August 9, 2006
Plod, plod, plodding along…
Well down a pound, it’s the right direction that’s for sure and if nothing else that gives me hope. I had oatmeal this morning. I wonder if that’s what’s got the blood pressure way down. Who knows, still haven’t hit the point where it’s stable and low for good. Such a journey! I might as well have been crawling through the Poseidon for all the twists and turns I’ll be encountering but as the song goes… “There’s got to be a morning after…” so I’ll plod along.
Last night when I was dead tired I felt immense hunger. I tried to ignore it but finally headed for the fridge and heated up some green beans and baked beans. I have to say I really felt hungry. I passed the 100-calorie packs of cookies and the ice cream so that’s good, just would have preferred to eat nothing. Glad I turned to veggies though. Yesterday I smoked a turkey breast on the grill so I have that for protein, but sometimes I just don’t like to eat “meaty” things. Turkey’s great for sandwiches and it’s got such a low fat content. It’s a wonderful source of protein.
Today more writing, I just want to write. I have some stationary to design for my sweetie with his logo, so that’s got to happen but today I think I’m going to play with some characters and hammer them down on paper. It’s only Wednesday, maybe I’ll be able to recoup my losses in the next few days.
145/74 BP 71 pulse ~ Down -01 ~ Total Lost 022 ~ 394 till Goal
Just didn't want to face it!
But alas, I did.
The scales have not gone down still holding pat as the same weigh in from 4-5 days ago as things got crazy around here. Even the Sunday Movie and lunch got screwy when I stepped back into the livingroom to grab my bag before putting on my shoes only to feel a huge wetness through the socks...Yup Dog doo, the runny sick pup kind! Not what you expect when you're running about 5 minutes late. The young un was sick all day, if I had been on time I'd have come home 4 hours later to a carpet covered in, well no need to continue to describe it! Sheesh! I felt instantly depressed about it. My friends saw the movie without me but were kind enough to bring dinner by later that evening. I had mousaka instead of mexican food. Either way it's no surprise that I haven't lost anything in the last week. My blood pressure was up yesterday. I just ran out of time. I've been writing and researching furiously. I'm out of salads but I've been cooking frozen veggies to keep me going. No time to get to the store. I'll probably make some chicken veggie soup in the pressure cooker because it'll take less than 15 minutes to cook. I thought I'd have time to post earlier this evening, but as I see I'm already into Wednesday right now. I'm tired wanted a nap earlier didn't get around to it.
My sister called she just filed for Divorce, My Uncle's in hospital with pernicious internal bleeding, so I was on the phone with his wife for almost 2 hours to help her feel better, they're stressed. I'm stressed, and I need sleep. I'll sure try to get my posting routine back down tomorrow. What a setback! I won't panic, just got to move more and eat less! One thing's for sure no more dates!
August 3, 2006
Stress, Stress, eat oh no!
Well, so it goes lunch date was a disaster in so many ways stress wise that there’s no point listing it all. I wanted a drink, but my friend’s a teetotaler so I ate not what I planned! Note to self, the next time I eat out I’ll decide on something healthy and not change my mind by looking at all the other junk on the menu. The food tasted good, but it’s so not as healthy as my daily salads. We got a few dishes and shared them, unfortunately most of it was fried! I had Fish & chips, onions rings, salad, and a tiny sliver of her deep-dish pizza. We shared all the other stuff and she’s a big eater (no where as big as me, she’s just a bit plump size medium) but she used to be a small really small person. She eats out at restaurants regularly, something I don’t do. Still I have way more to lose than she does.
Amazingly I lost some weight, and my blood pressure’s down, weird. Today’s eating will probably push me back up, God I hope not! My whole system is ready for a break. From Food, traffic, and well everything right now. I’ll feel better after a lot of water I think!
143/88 BP 68 pulse ~ Down -02 ~ Total Lost 021 ~ 395 till Goal
August 2, 2006
Week's falling apart!
Didn't get my exercise in yesterday and today was another "too many things to handle" day. Not a good excuse, none ever are. I've just been distracted with too much research and information and working out plans etc. I finally posted to a few things haven't even checked my blood pressure and didn't weigh in. Days like this are rough on me, no time to think clearly. I'm exhausted and I find I'm just hungry. Still! Tomorrow I've got a lunch date and was going to go with my friend's chosen pizza feed, but just checked out their website and I see they have great salad choices. She'll have to Pizza herself. I was agonizing over this yesterday and last night but now I belive I'll be fine.
Then there's this big behemoth air conditioner that I've got to aquire some kind of assistance to get installed which is sitting in my livingroom like a zamboni in the middle of a hotel room! sigh. So my ex is coming by on Friday to see if he can install it. Prickly situation. My sweetie doesn't care for him because he still likes me. (We were pretty good friends and still talk easily) I guess I've had the good fortune to have a couple guys love me enough to get past my current weight issue. I just hope my sweetie can keep his head and my ex sticks to the problem at hand. I then have a date on Sunday that's supposed to involve lunch too, but I think I'll have an upset stomach by then because I don't like eating out that much (hardly at all) and all these get togethers in one week is exhaustive for me. I really need more time aloine. I will certainly try to get in here tomorrow, but the signs aren't good. I have to leave by 9:30 AM to pick up friend for early lunch, get back home clean up and make ready for company on Friday! Sigh! I'm already exhausted just thinking of my day. It's already after Midnight. Stress keeps me from sleeping so I can tell I'm going to be unpleasant tomorrow! I'm not in a good mood. I really hate having my plans mixed up before I even get a chance to put them into place. Life would be so much easier if I was a true recluse who didn't like anyone and no one like me! Obviously negativity rearing it's presence here. I'm off.
August 1, 2006
Thought for sure I’d lose a couple pounds, but I’ll work with this. Morning meal: carrots and green grapes. No Dressing. I know this means more water and more exercise it’s the only thing I can come up with. By next Monday I definitely want to be within 370 lbs of my goal. I know that’s a lot but I know I can conserve my calories a wee bit more. I have a lunch date on Sunday coming up and a possible day trip in the next 2 days, but I can have salads wherever I go. If I halve my dressing and croutons for the day I can conserve even more or just stick to a salad a day and a couple slices of cheese. I might even call Fridays and Saturdays Protein shake days. I’m going to get within the 370 or danged close to it by Monday! I’ve got to break through this plateau! I’ll have to get another walk in with the dogs too, maybe even hit the dog park a couple times this week. They have a steep line of stairs to the lower arena where people throw their Frisbees for the dogs. I’m afraid to go down them because they’re probably 60-70 feet high and I’d have to come back up them or walk way far around to get back to the top. Maybe after I drop 100 lbs I’ll tackle that one. I’ve always wanted to, but just don’t want to bite off more than I can chew! Blood pressure still hovering high, but I’ll get that down too!
One thing I really want to prove to myself; I don’t have to go to Jenny Craig, or do bypass surgery, or Weight Watchers or anything where I add stress to my already critical situation with money expenses I can’t afford. I knew a girl who had a weight problem back when I had just a few pounds to lose but nowhere near the nightmare I am at now. Anyways, she went to Jenny Craig to just check out their program. When she came back to my place she was crying as if someone had assaulted her. I thought maybe we’d have to call the police or something but then she tells it was what they told her at Jenny Craig. She told them she couldn’t afford the costs and they told her if she really cared about her health she’d come up with the costs or put it on her credit card. I wondered how they found out she had a credit card, but then considering how vulnerable she felt about her weight then I’m not surprised they wrangled it out of her. Their high-powered sales antics at that particular center and time really ticked me off. Years later my mom paid for us to attend through a different center and I paid the upgrade for a lifetime membership. I still have it and could go back but it just bothers me to think I’d have to.
We live in this ever-increasing obese nation; we are preyed upon daily, minute by minute, by the Weight loss Industry that is horrendously wealthy! Pills, food, exercise equipment, surgery, and clothes . . . it goes on and on and on. One solution doesn’t work with everyone which is why more and more can crop up get their bucks and move on to the next fad to push upon us. Still Americans are getting fatter and fatter. It’s weird. I belonged to a weightloss site once where women put down skinny people and they argued about whether a person should do bypass surgery or not, or whether it was cheating, weight watchers versus South Beach. It was ridiculous. No one can tell another person what works best for them. That just makes someone else responsible for his or her loss or gain. I believe that I’m responsible for my loss or gain and “getting the connection” as Oprah and Bob Greene talk about has to do with understanding the physics behind it one way or another. It’s our self-esteem we’re grappling with so we look for quick fixes because maybe just maybe if we drop 50lbs right away we’ll feel better about ourselves and want to treat ourselves better.
Unfortunately that just isn’t enough. You can lose all the weight you want and still have your head jumbled up in and never-ending Rubik’s cube! Before you know it you’re right back where you started and then some! I’ve lost 50lbs before and didn’t even see that it was gone, I still felt fat and embarrassed. Every time someone said I looked great I just knew, I KNEW, they were teasing me. Sad. The weight creeped back on because I gave up trying. That’s when I only needed to drop a little more than 50 to be in healthy shape. Obviously I’d never gotten my head together or “gotten the connection” because I gained and lost and gained and lost and gained and gained! Then I just gave up. I lost all right. I lost even the ability to pretend I cared how I looked, what I wore, how the hair looked, I lost all my hope. Today was the first time I even looked at a catalogue for women’s clothing in years! I didn’t dare before because I didn’t believe I’d ever fit anything anymore.
I’m a woman who gave up all the pomp and circumstance of being one. Even your hormones give up when you get too big! Your body is asking itself, are you a woman, or a man, or a what? That’s true even for males, men become more effeminate and women start growing weird hairs! We become non-descript, the obese, until we’re in the world around everyone else, then we’re blimps, whales, and Michelin men. Well I’ve had enough of it all.
I don’t want to be preyed on by the over stuffed weightloss industry and their endless commercials followed by restaurant, pop, and chips ads! I want to feel the power of doing it myself. That’s why I post where I can’t hide myself completely if I do, or ingest something that lends to the problem. It’s on the Internet, it won’t go away and I face my weight, my food, the results and myself. I’m still reeling with joy over my 20 lb loss, even if it looks like 19 lbs right now, with all the good stuff I’m ingesting eventually it’ll drop and I’ll never see this 20 lbs again for the rest of my life. I’ll be able to strut my small self in the faces of the noggin heads who were nasty to be for gaining weight. I’ll get this off and do one better I’ll be smaller than them before I know it and before they know it and then they can eat their own nasty words.
All those people who misjudged me by my weight well let them be judged. I’m more than my weight, hell, I’m more than anyone can initially see about me, we all are. The “more” that I am is greater than the weight loss industry, my aunt and her nasty comments, my dad and his ineptness, my brother and his judging hell, and myself and my disbelieving in me, I’m “more”, quite an incredible one I might add. So, Good for you Ij, you’re on your way sweetie and I’m right here with you!
153/92 BP 65 pulse ~ Up -01 ~ Total Lost 019 ~ 397 till Goal