February 14, 2005
Being Here...It Hurts
Being at school is such a hard thing to get through every day now. I hate everything here as well as everyone here. I walk through the halls feeling more alone than I've ever felt in my life, looking at people conversing with their friends in their little groups. I feel like I'm the only one that doesn't belong in one of those groups. I see the people that have been my friends in the past...and I don't really miss being friends with them...but I feel rather that I'm missing out on what they're doing, whether I want to do it too or not. I feel like a lot of people here are stealing my identity from me. I have my own way of dressing, my own way of thinking about things, and my own way of being who I am. When I see someone (especially someone that I used to be close with) doing something that reminds me of myself...I feel HURT and as if the one thing I have has been taken away from me. I hate this so much. I am so horribly depressed, and I feel like there's nothing here for me other than one exception--the boy whom I am in love with and loves me. So, when I'm taken out of that comfort zone, and put back somewhere where I don't belong--or somewhere that has been taken over by false advertising--I feel this horrible sense of self-hatred, severe depression, and SO SO SO lost. I am so lost. I am so lost. I am so lost. I am so lost.
I am so lost.
Posted by fourrightchords on February 14, 2005 10:22 AM
I am sorry you are feeling this way. High school is hard on everyone-sometimes it is easier to take a personal day-NOt saying skip every day but if there is a day that you just can not handle it-stay home in bed and watch tv and eat bon-bons. My teenagers are allowed one personal day eveyr grading period-just to recoup and rest and do what they want. Try it-it may help.
Take care sweetie :)
Posted by: Lisa at February 15, 2005 05:35 AM
My name is Matthew Bunkall 25 from Haverhill, England.
I have just Stumbled onto this site and have been moved by your deep cry for help!
I was that lost about 2 years ago, the girl I deeply loved said she wanted out! I had stuck by her through her family problems, through her move to University which was a big thing, Then she was raped and her dad had a major cancer scare. I had stuck by her through it all. Things began to settle down her dad was given the all clear and she seemed to be coping well with the rape issue we were working it through each day. Then she suddenly wanted to restart her life, and I was not going to be part of it. This left me badly broken, and at lose. But it was something I had been always found with her, dispite all the good things I did like trying to be there, using the little I had to do the best I could to show how I felt. But she couldn't see it. She would see that I was more bone than muscle, couldn't do anything the way she could, therefor useless, she loved me emotional but she didn't love me all heart. I did understand. she was a few years younger than me, trying to find herself. But in her finding, I was losing.
Love makes us feel secure with ourselves and with others. Real love is not flattering words it is something that is always there for you no matter what.
Real love is unseen, because it is there somemuch that you become to used to seeing it that you don't really notice it anymore.
Life will never be simple but being able to see real love around you, will help you to feel more confident and happier about your life.
And about school. Fitting in is simply being prepared to be around those that are different you don't need to change to fit in. I have never seen any fruits change to fit in my nans fruit bowl, the Apples, Pears, Grapes, oranges and bannanas. They are all fruit, all very different and all taste good.
Forgive my many words but I hope it will encourage you. Look for real love.
Look into the Bible that show a great definition of love. If Jesus Christ was real then someone has aways loved you deeply. This is were I began to find a real love. I'm not broken anymore infact I am better than I have ever been.
Love Matt
Posted by: Anonymous at March 15, 2005 08:20 AM
To the depressed author: Your entry sounds so much like me it was amazing. I know exactly how you feel don't think you're the only one with such raw, painful, alien emotions.
The best thing about you -and what they can never take away- is that you are different and not like Everyone else. Please keep that close to your heart because it's the truth.
I hope from the bottom of my heart that fortune finds you and your life and self will improve soon. Good luck with life. -- Janay in FL
Posted by: Janay L. at April 6, 2005 09:17 PM
*HUG*
Posted by: Kate at May 5, 2005 07:10 AM