February 18, 2008
I want to Disappear
I have been depressed all day. I just do not feel appreciated, but then again I don’t appreciate myself very well either, so no surprise. I feel so oppressed right now with my life. I wish I wasn’t in a relationship, it makes me feel bad right now, but then I brought that on myself. I’m sick of my body, I’m sick of my behavior, I’m just sick of everything. I couldn’t even get it together enough to complete my school assignments today. I’ve never done that. That means more pressure tonight and tomorrow to get that done. Usually when I get done with my work I feel free for a quick minute, but now I’ve got stuff from last week butting into work from this week. I just want to sleep all the time. I slept all morning, then most of this early evening. I haven’t felt this low in a long time, but such is life. I wish that I could just dry up, turn to dust, and blow away. I’m tired of feeling scared of what I’m doing to my life and with my life. I know that there will be a more upbeat time, but right now it just sounds exhausting to even think about it. I just turned 45, I don’t feel 45 today I feel 60. I feel old and bedraggled. I wish that I had made better choices in life. I’m sad for the choices I made and here’s another year of being obese and sad. Yippee for me.