its been a year

This is a kind of hard day. Last day we saw our best friend.

I didnt come out front until 3:30, after school was over... so i didn't realize what I was wearing. Turns out I am dressed in the exact outfit that was one my best friend wore all the time. A sweater we shared, same black pants, same exact shoes, even a necklace pulled out over the turtleneck in the same way. I look like her twin today.
When I noticed, I felt like I got hit with a brick.

Right now we have the porch light on...just in case she comes knocking on the door. i miss her so much. So much.

Today in therapy, we talked about her. We had the same therapist, too. It was hard. I dont feel like talking about it much right now... I just still feel like everything must be my fault. My therapist doesnt think so. But I just want to see my friends, especially my best friend (*sigh* -ex-)in a positive way. We talked today about maybe I was just too much... too confusing. The switching, you know? Maybe its unnerving. Maybe people can't handle it, even when they say that they can. I can remember once when our friend was over and Mae was laying on the floor crying really hard over something. REALLY hard. Then Missy got sick of it, yanked her out of the way, and came out front in only a second-- it was a really fast switch-- and said "Well that's enough; lets get going to the park." I was behind them, but i could see the startled expression on my friend's face. And that used to happen in junior high a lot too. My best friend Hannah-- she never knew if she said something if she'd get punched in the arm, face a crying jag, get no reaction at all, or get a lecture. It must have been terribly confusing, for both my best friends, to just never know who you were going to face from one moment to the next.
.
.
.
i guess.
we'll keep making excuses for them. give them an out.
my. heart. aches.

I just miss her so much.

Mae still keeps thinking she's coming back too... every time the doorbell rings or the phone rings, we jump just in case.

she isnt coming back. we know this. its the 1 year anniversary.. maybe she was just waiting me out, trying to teach me a lesson... or.. i just dont know, i just dont know. It had to be something I did wrong... she was a nice person.

She left anyway.

i am so lonely. i am just so lonely.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Asthma