left again

my appointment got cancelled today. she's sick.
naturally.
because yesterday stirred up a bunch of crap that i dont know how to handle and I really needed to talk to her again today and I feel like i'm crawling out of my skin. so naturally i get left alone to deal with it.
screw this.
this will be a lovely evening at home by myself i'm sure.

i keep trying to tell myself... it doesnt matter it doesnt matter it doesnt matter ... that its ok, i can wait til next monday to go again, what's the big deal. well it IS a big deal. i have been counting the hours since last night til i got back to her office today so I could talk about this today. it doesnt matter it doesnt matter it shouldn't matter why cant i just be a normal freaking person for once and shut the hell up.
i'm trying not to burst into tears but i'm at work so i have to hold it in for 4 more hours til i get home.
i knew this was going to happen.
i can take care of myself.
there are other things that are options. i have a bandaged up hand that proves that. and now i can go home and exercise instead. exercising is always better than just sitting in a chair talking, right? at least i can work on losing weight. an extra day of exercise.
i hate myself.
i hate all these flashbacks and body memories.

i will never have the help i need.
i have to be numb.
i only have myself.
i have to disappear.
i have to make everything hurt less
and i dont care how i have to do it.
i dont care how.
no crying, fat girl.
you're locked inside for another week. tough on you.
it doesnt hurt. nothing hurts. it wont. i'll make sure.

i just wanted to talk to her today.
i'm so selfish.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Migraines