Self-destruction after therapy
This is just me jo. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense in some parts, my head is hurting a lot from things going on inside. I feel like I’m back in my fog.
I want to cut so bad and Mae is trying hard to get out front again and cut and I’m trying to keep in control so she doesn’t. So I thought I’d make myself sit here and write, and not get up from the computer no matter what until husband gets home, not even to get a drink or anything, until it feels safer, and Mae’s done enough for one night probably.
Missy wants to know if Mae dropped acid or something after therapy tonight. Because she had a big meltdown.Now our notebook is gone again and hands are hurt a little I am sure she pounded them on the steering wheel and I don’t know what else and she keeps saying BUT IT WAS IN THE CAR! LEAVE ME ALONE! And she kept yelling at herself for being a stupid fat dumb girl and she hated herself.
And I have know idea how long it took her to calm down but I kept trying to make her let me take over and it took a long time because she was so worked up and she kept wanting to scream but she wouldn’t let any screams come out, I kept telling her the police would come if she did scream, she wanted to get out of the car and run away and I wouldn’t let her, until I managed to drive away, and it took until we were halfway home that I could drive without Mae trying to take over. *AGH.*
Mae keeps crying that she wants to die (not that I’M one to talk; but do we really have to go back to THAT again? And is this how frustrated people feel with me when I say that? Because if so, I will NEVER say it again, I really won’t.) She keeps crying “But I WANT my mom” and then getting more and more worked up.
But the part that is bothering me a lot besides just Mae crying and yelling “I hate you” and “I wish I was never born” and all that is that every time she cries something like “I want my mom!” it feels like this electric shock goes up between my legs and inside and up through my throat and mouth. Like.. Ummm.. Like body memories, of K, stuff he did. I don’t know why or where its coming from. Kind of feels like punishment. Every time Mae cries for mom, we get that electric shock. Like maybe to teach her not to say it or something. She was saying earlier today that it feels like she’s full up inside, like no more fits in her, and every time we get this electric shock feeling, it feels like she’s about to get sick.
I don’t know. She keeps crying and pounding and I just don’t know what to do. Pilgrim's like, “damn it all to hell all this multiple personality shit, I’ don’t know what to do anymore”, and Missy isn’t even being mean, its like something else.
God. I don’t know. We’re all a bunch of stupid nobodies probably. Probably not Carolineine, people like her and what she has to say. The rest of us, are just idiots I think.
jo
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I don't feel that its right to talk about my husband in therapy or here. Anything that is between he and I needs to stay between he and I. I respect him and love him... and I dont want to talk about him behind his back or anything. Thats why I dont ever really refer to him here or with my therapist.
This diary is more about what goes on inside of me, rather than anything else.
I have a random question for whoever reads this. I have noticed that references to your husband are rare and distant. He seems far more shadowy and ill-defined to me than do many of the alters.
Does it feel the same way to you? How does the relationship work?