Treatment centers for DID and eating disorders....
Well. I went to therapy today.
After an extremely frustrating and challenging day at work (all ended up ok, but I didn't know that at the time I headed to therapy) so I went to therapy a big bundle of nerves. It was really hard to not dissociate, but I did pretty well and stayed present. Its a good thing I did!
My therapist sat on the couch by me and we had THAT conversation again.... the one I completely had. Inpatient.
*groan*. This is the conversation that we've had about 5 times, in a serious way. I do not like it when she gets that look in her eyes (worried, scared, or concerned) and she gets this tone in her voice, and looks at me in a certain way, and her voice gets all soft. It all spells bad news.
The 1st time it ever occurred was 4 years ago when she decided to call Remuda and see if she could get me in because my eating disorder was raging out of control. I remember her looking at me (same look as above) and said, "Pilgrim.... I called Remuda this morning. " oh, cripes.
Today it was not just eating disorder but also she wants to find me a place that treats DID and eating disorders. I keep telling her, I DONT HAVE THE MONEY. I'm still trying to pay the LAST place I went last summer, and we didn't have the money for THAT either. :( My T just wanted my permission to try talking to my insurance and to try looking around for information to see if she could find someplace for me to go, like over summer vacation, after I go visit my sister and the new baby.
I HATE conversations like this. :(
This is progress, at least: nowadays at least I understand that she isn't just trying to get rid of me, she isn't just giving up on me. Now at least I understand that she is just trying to do what's best for me and trying to find me the best help.
But still. I feel like such a failure.
I know that Jo gets online at night and looks for treatment centers. I know she wants to go. BUT I DONT! I do NOT have the money. My T understands this (I cannot even really afford to pay my T, even though she gives me a reduced rate). I have to sell stuff all the time to be able to continue to go to therapy. Anyway. My T wants to see if maybe we could work something out with my insurance to pay for me, or find me a scholarship or something...
to see if ANY place would take me.
Yah. Like any place is just going to go, "hey, we see this girl is working so hard but isn't getting better, so lets just GIVE her a free ride to come spend the summer in our treatment center". SURE.
Anyway... after a half hour long...um... "pep talk".... and list of what's not working, and how she (T) gets all sorts of contradictory e mails from everyone inside about I'm eating/ I'm not eating; I'm doing good/I'm struggling ; I'm cutting/ I haven't cut in weeks; and ALL SORTS of stuff like that, (so that NONE of us know what is REALLY going on, actually), we just need to find a place that can help me get the DID and eating disorder stuff under control. Etc etc. And how she and i can work as a team to beat this and we can both look for treatment centers and if there isn't anywhere, then OK, at least we tried, and if we just have to keep plugging along outpatient, then ok, at least we tried, and if we can't find a place i can afford to go to, at least we tried.
i hate being this way.
finally i gave her the ok to talk to my insurance and to look around to see if she could find info.
i cant talk about it anymore right now.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Do you have MSN? if you do i would realy like to talk to you about this, im not a theripist or anything, i have DID myself but yea, if your up for a chat my email/msn is nemesis@murrow.co.nz
half awake and Pilgrim, my goodness do I know something about both your situations! I never cut myself but I was 2 steps from suicidal tendencies and leaving my home was just about nil for a couple years other than seeing the therapist, and Psychiatrist and counselor! I was constantly being told that I may need to check into a hospital, which led to my clamping down on my feelings, and telling them about my nightmares and sleep, please! I was doing good to sleep 2 hours in a 3 day period! That led to drugs and higher dosages because even they weren't helping me sleep. IT was all so sordid and Half awake, I felt just as disjoint from the world, and quite honestly had no desire to interact with the world at the time. Finally I was able to whittle down the medical crew to just a therapist (the only one who seemed to listen) when all my money ran out. It's all such a vicious cycle, The eating disorder, the mental issues, the self destructive tendencies. All I can say is one step in front of the other, just keep moving no matter how small the movement. It may take you years, half awake to get back out into society (I'm just getting there myself) and pilgrim, the best thing is you do have a therapist that's willing to work with you and cares enough to notice when you're getting better or worse. When my life first took a turn for the worse the Psychologist I first had was literally a quack and she didn't listen to anything I'd say! A month after I told her I was worried about my weight gain and eating she wanted to talk about the weight. Before she just ignored me or my concerns. A bad therapist is like perpetually loading a six shooter pointed at your head!
Anyways I just wanted to let you both know there are definitely people out here who know some of what your going through, you're not alone, trust me you're not alone!
Does therapy really help?
I have some of your problems, and in a past experience with a psychiatrist I felt like I was sitting in someone's office while they run the time on me just milking the job for every cent chatting me up on all sorts of random chit chat they can come up with related to my problems and giving me the same advice I've already heard from everyone else.
I've spent 13 months in my room now in a deep depression and now I'm afraid to go outside and interact with people. I think I've lost all hope in humanity, for one I don't feel like I belong with society. Sometimes I watch movies and I feel like such an alien when they hit up the happy endings, because life's not like that... to me anyway life is like a bad ending shortly followed by a bad sequel with a worse ending and followed by another.
Anyway some of my friends that are worried about me since they haven't seen me in over a year keep telling me to go see someone and now I'm thinking about it, but it may just be another idiot that wants to get paid listening to my misery and offer some 2 bit advice they just pulled out of their ass.
But I'm starting to get worried myself. It has been more than a year now I've spent every hour, minute and second hating someone with every ounce of energy I can muster. It's not that I decide to do this because I have nothing better to do. I just can't help it.
Yesterday afternoon I was so filled with this pure blinding hate for this person my mind was racing back and forth on events that happened in the past and I couldn't stop it. I passed out at around 4pm from the stress of it all I guess.
and now I just woke up after 2 hours of sleep which is about the average amount of time I am able to sleep per day 4.5 hours being the most.
And each time I wake up, and up to the time I try to sleep again my mind is stuck in a loop of shit I just don't want to think about.
I feel like my heart and soul has died.
Yet I don't want to fall back on my old habit of cutting whenever my mind is stuck in a loop of images and deep analysis of the past present and future.
I think I am just trying to stay a bit above that, but never getting anywhere away from it.
So I've run out of options, maybe someone that had some experience in the same situation has any advice that can help move me to any direction.
Any direction is fine. I just don't want to be stuck in the same place anymore.