dissension in the ranks
For some reason this week, emotions are running high inside. Don’t know why. We are crashing into each other, with memories crashing into each other. Words crashing into each other. Ever since on Monday when Mae asked our therapist about things moms and dads do to make babies and why babies are not bad, when THAT is bad-- that is what started it all. When Mae started to cry and pushed it all down again, all of a sudden everything went SLAM. Crashing waves. Then we finally figured out, we think, why Mae has been so high strung, crying NO NO NO in the evenings--- the longest day of the year has past. Guess what, we are headed downward again, the days are officially going to start getting shorter. Which heads to winter. Maybe in Mae’s mind-- because she has no perception of time-- the shortest day of the year and the hardest days of winter are just around the corner. She has that “any second a panic attack is coming” vibe around her. We talked to her-- Mae, its still a long time away, the days are still long, its still summer, we still have a long time on summer vacation, this winter we’re going to take really good care of you…. But she doesn’t quite get it. She doesn’t get the time thing. Next week is far, far away-- but the dead of winter could occur at any second.
This is just jo. Stupid, quit-acting-like-such-a-teenager,jo I am sick of everything. I hate people. I want to go away. I want to just spend the rest of the summer on the couch, under some covers, with my head buried in a book, or asleep. I don’t care. I hate ALL of the adults. I hate people.
Stupid doctor today. Asked if anyone inside is “acting up.” Yah, because that’s what we do-- ACT UP. Because its not like we’re REAL PEOPLE or ANYTHING. We’re just these THINGS, these non-beings, who ACT UP. He looked at his chart to see who was ACTING UP last time and wanted to know if MAE and JO were still ACTING UP.
And damn those stupid adults. “Well, Mae and Jo-- the usual.”
GEE--- oddly enough, being ignored by EVERY person in my life and getting a whole 5 minutes a semester with our therapist has not cured me yet. Go FIGURE.
Oh, fuck them. I hate them. Yah, because mae and I are such PROBLEMS. Like Mae doesn’t feel bad enough about herself already. I hate myself.
So Dr says, “Jo--- she still wants to kill herself?”
I spoke up for myself. “No-- not as much anymore.” What am I supposed to say. “All the time?” So that he can say-- great, the van to take you to the mental hospital will be here in 10 minutes to pick you up, you freak?
“Oh”, he says “well that’s good.”
Good dog. Sit.
I hate people.
So Pilgrim asks about meds for her ADD again. Something to help them concentrate. Something that can help her get organized. Something to help her BE MORE LIKE CarolineINE. The Strattera they took last year gave us terrible nightmares. I had hallucinations at night. We saw things in our rooms and heard voices like we were schizophrenic. It was bizarre. But other options for ADD meds are out, herr dokter thinks. So they discussed it. MAYBE it wouldn’t be so bad now if they tried it again. They liked the Strattera so much. They got SO MUCH WORK DONE. (And that’s whats IMPORTANT, right? WORK. Because God forbid jo has time to lay on the couch and sleep her life away like a teenager….)
And besides, they say. We’re in such a better place now than we were last winter. Much less depression (for THEM anyway), working inside so much better, the doctor says maybe we wont’ have such bad side effects. So they say OKAY.
AGH. Never mind that jo has schizophrenic NIGHTMARES FROM HELL on THEIR wonderful meds.
Screw them. I hate them.
Yah, maybe if they ignore me long enough I’ll just go away. That’s obviously working REAL WELL for them. And not letting me talk about anything I need to-- THAT’S obviously working real well for them too.
See, here I am, getting better completely on my own, getting no one to talk to and not being allowed to have any time to talk to our T. RIGHT. That’s REALLY WORKING WELL.
The dumb thing is, I WILL take their Strattera. Same way as I follow their meal plan even though I don’t want to. Same way as I don’t purge anymore, even though I want to so bad and I miss it so much, even though it makes me feel so much better to binge and purge, even though I need to. Same reason I need to cut and don’t do it. Because I give in… because that’s just what I do. Because I DO want them to be able to work harder at work-- because it makes them happy. Because we couldn’t really get any more meds for depression, because the Wellbutrin on a higher dose wouldn’t get paid for by our insurance, or something, and they didn’t want to take yet ANOTHER new medicine for depression. So they say, well if we could do more work, that’d make us happier. Of COURSE it would. If Carolineine could move her bed into her classroom and sleep there, she’d be GREAT. She’s already got a refridgerator and a stove and a laundry room right there, and a tv too. All she needs is a bed and she’d be ready to live right there in the classroom. Because she’s a workaholic just like dad. Only more cheerful about it.
SO… we start taking the Strattera again tomorrow, and I’m scared. But of course we take it anyway. I know what they’ll say if I don’t want to take it: “Oh come on, Jo-- it’ll be ok… quit thinking so negatively. Try to be positive once in a while…. Quit being so dramatic…. Quit acting like such a teenager” (As though acting like a 50 year old is an option for me at 17).
Maybe I’m just tired. I feel stupid. I should shut up.
I don’t have any right to complain anyway.
Here I have all day long to myself, with no people around. The kids watch tv, or Carolineine works on school stuff. We’ve got the summer off.
If I could just sleep like I want.
Mae wants to play, paint, look for bugs, color, read books, watch Sesame Street, watch the sun sparkle on the floor, look at leaves. Not lay down on the couch.
The thing is, the more lonely Pilgrim gets, the more opportunity I get to just take over and go lay down on the couch and hibernate. Sometimes I get lucky. About now she is getting more lonely. About now, I get to get my couch back.
I’m just stupid. What right do I have to get mad anyway.
jo
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Oh, Jo-- You are so important. I hope Pilgrim hears what you had to say here. You expressed yourself so clearly. I hope the meds aren't as awful for you this time around. I think it's wonderful that you cooperate so much, for the good of the whole. But, speaking up for yourself is important, too, and you just did a great job of that. The Real Me