I hereby resign
I, Pilgrim, hereby resign as the "out front" person. *
I GIVE UP.
As of NOW.
I officially cannot do anything right and I'm sick of it. Oh and by the way, showing feelings SUCKS. I've always wanted to try to do it, but the process of actually doing it once I psyche myself up to doing it--- FUCK IT. Emoting is not for me. Asking for things I need, which people SAY is a "good idea"--- also not for me. Both just make me a giant shithead.
I'm going to just go back to "survival". It's easier. All I have to do in that mode is keep my mouth shut, don't ask for things, don't get things because I dont ask, and therefore do NOT get constantly disappointed, people don't have to deal with me, and.... VOILA! everyone is happy and in the dark.
Let Carolineine be the queen of communication, therapy, relationships, and coping. She is SO GOOD at it. She's not perfect, but she is LIGHT YEARS ahead of me. And besides, EVERYONE likes her. She runs the bulletin board, my husband loves her, my therapist loves her, the kids at school love her, and my colleagues love her. Carolineine has yet to piss off my husband or my therapist (which I manage to do frequently) and she rarely asks for things-- if she does, she does it SO appropriately and nicely, and she just gives and gives and gives. Everyone loves someone like that.
I, however, and the shit head withdrawing in the corner. Feelings are stupid. Asking for things is stupid. I'm sick of doing things wrong. I feel like a real fuckwit right now.
*This bad attitude brought to you as a public service announcment by PRE-TRIP PANIC ATTACKS AND AFTER THERAPY REACTIONS ANONYMOUS. Thank you, and have a good day.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
WE like you. I'm sorry that something upset you so much. I hope you don't give up asking for what you need because of this. Sometimes, nothing goes right and it's not your fault. It just is.
The Real Me
hi there, first let me say that this entry sounds very much like something that one of us has written a hundred times over. she does not live up to the glamor that Joan of Arc lives up to. She is not liked the way Joan of Arc is liked and she feels she lives in Joan's shadow. What I found interesting was the passive aggression that the writer shares with our person Destiny. There are the true feelings that are tempered with humor so as not to truly offend by what was said. there is always that fear that someone will write in and say how wrong you are for feeling this way but if a person adds to it something that is funny, especially at the end then chances are they will remember the chuckle and not the so-called offensive words. We wanted to tell you that it makes sense that you/the writer would feel this way. sometimes feeling like a failure and being known as a failure is better than trying your hardest just to get shot down. also, if you say you don't want something then it's supposed to hurt less when you don't get it. you and i both know that isn't true but we do have to keep face...thus the humor after spilling our soul to the world.
Austin
One of the issues I/We find keeps resurfacing in this system is that of jelousy among the pieces. The babies want all the attention. The soldiers name them pathological. The shadow hearts long to be somebody's favorite. The condemers punish that desire with scathing reproach.
Reading your words saying another part of you is loved & appreciated more than Pilgrim reminded me of so many similar conflicts...
You willingness and ability to put these complicated feelings into words in cyberspace is such a sacred gift to the rest of us who are standing on the sidelines tounge-tied and hurting. You give voice to so much that so many have felt but did not know how to name.
I would not wish the pain you are struggling with on anybody - but am so grateful that you will allow yourself to use that struggle to speak out to us all.
Peace to you sister, if you can find it. And on those days when it still eludes you, at least know you have lots of company in the chaos. I can very much relate to your hurt, frustration, and sense of loss over not being able to participate in the group that you wanted so badly, but please know you are NOT alone.
Well, I'm glad you haven't given up on your sense of humor--because I like it! I'm really sorry to hear about the re-emerging panic attacks, tho. That sucks. Hey how did it go at your sister's?